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8 Tips for Parenting and Supporting a College Student New Student Orientation 2019. Overview. Presenter Contact Information.
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8 Tips for Parenting and Supporting a College StudentNew Student Orientation 2019
Overview Presenter Contact Information The following PowerPoint presentation has been adapted from the NSO 2019 Parenting & Supporting a College Student session. The hope is that this presentation will be a valuable tool for UD parent/family members to reference as you transition from parenting an adolescent to parenting an adult. Should you have any questions, please feel free to contact either presenter listed below. • Dr. Re’Shanda Grace-Bridges • Director of Student Transitions & Family Programs • rgracebridges1@udayton.edu • Debra Monk • Associate Dean of Students • dmonk1@udayton.edu
Learning Outcomes • After reviewing this presentation you will be able to: • Acknowledge UD’s commitment to “Challenge and Support” • Define resiliency as it relates to the college student experience • Articulate what the lack of resiliency looks like in college students • Identify 8 tips for parenting and supporting a college student and incorporate one or more into your parenting approach • Recognize the developmental growth that is expected of your student as UD faculty, staff, and administration support and prepare them for post graduate life
Parent Tip #1 1) Acknowledge the transition (theirs and YOURS) and create space to reflect
Parent Tip #1 Plan down time when you get home. It is perfectly normal to feel a bit crazy, emotional, and/or overwhelmed.
Parent Tip #2 2) Ask yourself… How does one learn to manage stress, anger and disappointment?
Parent Tip #2 Resiliency…that’s how! This is an important life skill that all students need in preparation for the ‘real world.’ Imagine if you hadn’t developed resiliency.
Resiliency The ability to rebound from adverse situations using coping skills in order to return to a subjectively normal level of functioning. • College is HARD… it is supposed to be hard. Also Hard… • Interpersonal conflict • Doing the right thing • Leaving a place or situation you like • Speaking up for yourself • Managing fear • Telling the truth when it will disappoint or anger others
A lack of resiliency looks like this… • Fragility – break down in the face of challenge or disappointment • Entitlement – I work hard therefore I deserve or shouldn’t have to deal with… • Expectations – Problems will be solved by others or should not be a part of their college experience. • Responsibility – difficulty taking personal responsibility for choices
Resiliency Symptomatic phrases you might hear: “Why am I the only one having to deal with this?” • Long term effects if you solve it for them… • Reinforces self doubt. • Reinforces the belief that others are responsible for your happiness. • Impacts ability to lead and supervise others. • Reinforces that they should not have to deal with life events if they are busy or stressed. • Reinforces that life is fair and that fairness is to be set up and maintained by others. “I can’t handle this.” “Nothing I do is going to work so why try?” “It’s not fair!” “How am I supposed to concentrate on my work with him/her being like this?”
Resiliency • Your “baby” is now a young adult! Now it is time to help them HELP THEMSELVES… • Ask questions (maybe even role play the situation) • Brain storm with them as they might with others in the future • Don’t buy into the “that is only going to make it worse.” Seeking assistance and talking things out with someone you are in conflict with is a life skill. • Share potential examples, if a similar situation were happening to you in your work place, what might you do to resolve it? • Know that you, better than anyone else, knows when your child is truly in a state of harmful distress whereby they are in need of mental health intervention and therefore it is necessary for you to become more involved in the resolution. “But that’s my BABY!”
Parent Tip #3 3) Adjust your parenting style
Parent Tip #3 Helicopter no more…transition to the “submarine” parenting approach
You might be a helicopter parent if… • You check your students emails • You know your student’s passwords • Make their appointments • Manage their health • Call institutions to intervene before the student has done it themselves. • Remind them of of daily tasks. • Require daily check ins
Submarine Parenting • Be Accessible in case of real ‘danger’ or ‘emergency.’ • Provide support without ‘hand holding’ • Be mostly out of sight, help them break the habit of running to you for every problem. • Be present. Ask questions first instead of automatically offering advice. • Guide decision making rather making the decision • Ask them what they need and want in terms of communication & visits
Try new language…take ‘no’ out of your vocabulary… Parent Tip #4
Replace ‘no’ with: Parent Tip #4 “I won’t…”, “My expectation is…”, “Ok, let me know your plans so that I can know what is going on.” “Are you asking for my help or just telling me something?”
Supporting Transition “I’m worried” “I’m Concerned” Allow independence (be uncomfortable with it) Treat them as an adult Be clear about your expectations Check in when expectations are not being met, but do it differently than you might have done yesterday Follow through on consequences…stick to them Try new language (examples to the right), you just may see new responses “You need to buckle down and get through it.” “That seems like a lot to manage, how are you dealing with it?” “What you need to do is…” “I want to encourage you to…”
“We have been working toward your becoming an engineer for years. If you find you want to change majors, we support you but please know we have only financially planned for a four year degree.” You still get to have expectations! What are your academic expectations? How are adults expected to act in your family? You are no longer in charge of rules, you set your own boundaries and confront them when they have not acted as a courteous adult. “We love having you home over break! We hope to spend time with you but know you will want to catch up with old friends. What is your plan?” “As you know, we have dinner with Granny every Sunday. How do you plan to stay connected to Granny while you are away?” “When you stay out past midnight, we prefer you stay at a friends rather than coming home. We don’t sleep well knowing the house isn’t locked and secured for the night.”
Parent Tip #5 5) Expect obstacles and hardships
Parent Tip #5 Be Empathetic, Patient & Understanding Majors change Friends come and go Students experience this journey differently
Our Recommendations… Think through in advance how you will react when they call with a problem. Send them to find the recourses, Academic, Wellbeing, Roommate conflicts, Mean People Problems, etc... We are here and we have those services. It is OK to not know the answer, it is actually better than giving incorrect information. Create a support system for yourself, this is a hard transition for parent/family members also!
How Will You React? What do you think you could do differently to get a different reaction? Do you want me to help you brainstorm this one? • Some things will go wrong. • Some things will not be fair. • Someone is going to act weird and post mean things online. • Someone is going to lie. • A class is going to be harder than expected. I know this is hard. What do you need? What do you think you should do about it? Have you checked the website, etc.? What did your advisor say? I don’t know what to do either, but I’m here and ready to talk it through with you. Have you thought about calling someone about it? Is there anything I can do to help you get back on track?
Parent Tip #6 6) Their growth can be seen month by month, not solely by academic year
Wow. Having the flu at school is terrible. I should have gone to the health center much earlier than I did. I’m glad you told me about Tamaflu. I guess you are going to have to take off work and come get me. I have less time to call you and push back on too much communication. You think that all I care about is being with my friends. I’M FINE! #*%$*&# I went on a long weekend trip to the Grand Canyon and didn’t tell you I was going. I yelled at you on the phone in front of everyone to prove that I really want to go but can’t. I think I can be at grandma’s birthday if I don’t go home for a few weeks and get ahead of things. Parent Tip #6 Role model the change in relationship, they will follow your lead.
Parent Tip #7 7) Sometimes people are jerks. Raise your hand if you know a jerk.
Parent Tip #7 All are Welcome at UD…yes this means its possible that some may be jerks! Let your student find their own way of managing the jerks in their life Our students need to find their own ways of dealing with the things we have encountered and will encounter all of our life.
Parent Tip #8 8) Call us...
Parent Tip #8 After listening, questioning, following up, and processing…it may be the perfect time for the submarine to emerge. Call us (or the most appropriate University department) so we can support both of you through clarification, resources, and suggestions.
