Protecting God’s Children Teaching Touching Safety

1. Protecting God’s ChildrenTeaching Touching Safety Elaina Swanson, MS Licensed Professional Counselor Intern Candidate

2. Overview • Why is this necessary? • Statistics • Your duty as a parent • Sex Education vs. Sexual Abuse Prevention Education • Prepare yourself • What to know

3. Overview cont… • What to Teach • Boundaries • Body parts • Safe touch vs. unsafe touch • Grooming behavior • No secrets • Stranger danger • K-5, middle school, high school • Resources • Q & A

4. Why is this necessary? • Teaching children to protect themselves is part of the mandate of the Charter for Protection of Children & Young People adopted by the United States Conference of Catholic Bishops. June 2002.

5. How pervasive is the problem of child sexual exploitation? • 1 in 5 girls & 1 in 10 boys will be sexually victimized before adulthood • 86 % of sexual assaults perpetrated against children go unreported • In Texas, 1 in 5 women & 1 in 20 men are sexually assaulted-the vast majority before their 18th birthday

6. How many children are victims of online sexual exploitation? • 1 in 7 youth online (10 to 17-years-old) received a sexual solicitation or approach over the Internet • 4% received an aggressive sexual solicitation - a solicitor who asked to meet them somewhere; called them on the telephone; or sent them offline mail, money, or gifts

7. Online information cont… • 34% had an unwanted exposure to sexual material -- pictures of naked people or people having sex • 27% of the youth who encountered unwanted sexual material told a parent or guardian • 42% told a parent or guardian IF the encounter was defined as distressing - episodes that made them feel very or extremely upset or afraid

8. Your duty as a parent • It is the right of parents to educate, especially in the areas of: • morals • values • sexuality • Parents have the right to opt out of the mandatory teachings • Parents then “have the DUTY to give children adequate formation, appropriate to each child or young person’s state of development.”

9. Sex Education vs. Sexual Abuse Prevention Education • Sex Education • Teaching children how to live as adults in a loving, chaste, sexual relationship with their marriage partner • Sexual Abuse Prevention Education • Teaching children about Touching Safety • Empowering children to resist the advances of child molesters & the lure of manipulative, controlling people who would exploit children for their own sexual gratification.

10. Prepare yourself • Know that children, in general, are comfortable learning about Touching Safety • Parents often exhibit more discomfort! • Be prepared!

11. What to know • Choose a setting where your child’s attention is focused on YOU! • Select a time where there are no interruptions or distractions • Allow enough time to answer completely all your child’s questions

12. What to know cont… • Keep the rules simple & easy to understand • KISS--Keep It Simple Silly!!!! • Take advantage of ‘teachable moments’. • Ex: When a child asks a question that provides the opportunity to discuss Touching Safety • Give specific examples when describing safe touches vs. unsafe touches • When Daddy hugs you goodnight vs. when one child hits another

13. What to know cont… • Be careful to avoid training children to fear others • Children & adults must know the difference between having a healthy suspicion vs. being afraid of everyone • Teach respect • A child who respects his or her own body & demands respect from others is more likely to be in control of his or her physical well-being than peers who lack an understanding of respect

14. Two general principles of Touching Safety: • Children must be able to identify & resist any touch that can harm them-sexual or non-sexual • Children must respect their own health & safety & the health & safety of others

15. Four primary points of Touching Safety Children MUST know: • The anatomically correct names for their private body parts • The difference between safe & unsafe touches • What to do if a child, adolescent, or adult touches them in an unsafe manner • That they cannot keep secrets about unsafe touches

16. The four R’s • Rules: discussing with your child the importance of rules for behavior around others • Respect: explaining why the rules are necessary - your child has a right to feel safe, but so does everyone else • Responsibility: the hard part - teaching your child to follow these rules through reminders and encouragement • Reading: encouraging your child's awareness of their social environment

17. Boundaries • Limits that define one person as separate from another or from others • Promote & preserve personal integrity • Give each person a clear sense of ‘self’ & a framework for how to function in relation to others • Bring order to our lives & empower each of us to determine how others will interact with us

18. Forming boundaries • Personal boundaries are formed during our early years • As we react to the attention we get from parents & other influential adults • Parents say & do things that model appropriateness of boundaries in relationships

19. Healthy boundaries • Have some flexibility & some defined limits • Move appropriately in response to situations-out for strangers, in for intimates • Distinct enough to keep values & priorities clear • Open enough to communicate priorities to the right people, yet closed enough to withstand assault

20. Body parts • Children are naturally curious! • Children who are not provided adequate answers from their parents or guardians, are MORE VULNERABLE to abuse • Head, shoulders, knees, & toes, eyes, ears, & mouth & nose! Include it in a game!

21. What children should know • The names a doctor would use to describe body parts • Private body parts are ‘private’ for a reason • Private body parts are ‘off limits’ to almost everyone • Nobody has the right to touch or see a child’s private body parts except for keeping the child clean & healthy.

22. Knowledge is power • Teaching children about their private body parts, IS teaching them that it’s okay to ask questions about their body • Children who know they can ask their parents ANYTHING, are more likely to speak up if someone is inappropriate towards them

23. Speaking out • Teaching children the proper names for their body parts is giving your child the ability to accurately communicate • A child MUST communicate to parents, medical personnel, or even police if the child is ever harmed

24. Safe touch • Explain safe touch with a child’s own experiences: • Mom or Dad kisses you goodnight • Dad hugs you after he comes home from work • The ‘high five’ you gave Tommy when he made a basket at the ball game • Shaking hands with someone • A pat on the back • Why are these touches safe? • Have a good purpose • Not intended to hurt • Are familiar & safe

25. Unsafe touch • Any touch that is meant to hurt or scare someone • Hitting • Kicking • Punching • Tripping • Spitting • Touching private body parts (any place that a bathing suit covers)

26. Know the difference • Not all safe touches feel good • Ex: Doctor giving a shot • Not all unsafe touches hurt • Ex: Being shown affection by someone you don’t know well • TEACH CHILDREN TO TRUST THEIR OWN INSTINCTS & TO SPEAK UP WHEN SOMETHING MAKES THEM UNCOMFORTABLE

27. Targeting children • A child molester grooms a child using techniques: 1. Choose the most vulnerable child 2. Engage the child in peer-like activities (playing with the children, playing games, etc.) 3. Desensitization of the child to touching 4. Isolating the child 5. Making the child feel responsible & thus less likely to disclose the abuse

28. No secrets • It’s important to choose your words wisely. Don’t ask children to keep secrets • Use the word ‘surprise’ instead of secret in regards to Christmas presents, birthday plans, etc • There are NO secrets when it comes to personal & physical safety

29. Stranger danger • Stranger Danger is important for children to understand but it doesn’t stop there • It’s not enough to just know what to do if a stranger approaches Most children are harmed by people they know, trust, & care about

30. Your child should know • How to send a clear message that unwanted behavior will not be tolerated • It’s okay and they are encouraged to yell NO!!!!! • They will NOT be in trouble for saying NO!!! Even if it’s uncle… • It is NOT safe to keep secrets about unsafe touches…even if the person apologizes or said it was an accident

31. Specific age focus • 3-5 Year Olds- • Teach children how to say NO!!!!! to someone who makes sexual advances or requests that causes a child to feel uncomfortable. Give your child direct answers to questions about sex • 5-8 Year Olds- • Talk about safety away from home, scary experiences, & the difference between safe & unsafe touch

32. Specific age focus cont… • 8-12 year olds- • Teach & focus on personal safety issues • 13-18 year olds- • Discuss personal safety issues • Rape • Date rape • HIV & STD’s • Unintended Pregnancy

33. Resources: • Counseling Institute of Irving • Dr. Craig Spillman, PhD-Parishioner • Coppell Counseling Center • Dr. Theresa Vo, PhD-Parishioner • Texas Woman’s University Counseling Center • University of North Texas Counseling Center • www.ChildHelp.org • www.ChildWelfare.gov • www.PreventChildAbuse.org • www.ParentsAnonymous.org • Department of Family & Protective Services www.dfps.state.tx.us

34. References • D. Finkelhor. (1994).“Current Information on the Scope and Nature of Child Sexual Abuse.” The Future of Children: Sexual Abuse of Children, 4, pg 37. • D. Finkelhor. (2002). Protecting God’s Children: A Time to Protect God’s Children. The National Catholic Risk Retention Group, Inc. • D. Finkelhor, K. J. Mitchell, & J. Wolak. (2006). Online Victimization of Youth: Five Years Later. Alexandria, Virginia: National Center for Missing & Exploited Children, pgs 7-8, 33. • The United States' Stop It Now! Foundation