Pursuing Passion Through the Neo-Cortex

1. Pursuing Passion Through the Neo-Cortex Don Ferguson, Ph.D. donferguson@tds.net www.inrelationships.com

2. Response to Threat • Full body experience • Breathing, heart rate, musculature, body chemistry, hormones, digestion • The brain also prepares for battle or flight • Direct routing of threat info to amygdala • Narrowed focus and vision

3. Executive Operating Systems RAGE CARE FEAR PANIC SEEKING PLAY LUST Affective Neuroscience Panksepp, Jaak, 1998, New York: Oxford University Press

4. Bartholomew and Horowitz used this model to create the Relationship Questionnaire (RC).

5. I need I can’t Curiosity ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- You want too much You’re bad You won’t You’re bad

6. Anxiety increases anxiety • Frustrated needs and desires will lead to increased anxiety and need for reassurance • As one acts out this desperation, the partner’s anxiety and desperation increases and so on • Getting one partner to surrender in some manner may only make matters worse

7. Couples out of synch • The partners are often startled by the fact that even their most positive efforts are met with suspicion or resentment. (the gift of information) • They are out of synch so that when one tries the other is not ready. • This leads to hopelessness: “Nothing I do is ever good enough.”

8. John Gottman • Increase overall positivity in marriage—nonconflict • Decrease negativity during conflict discussion • Increase positivity during conflict discussion

9. The Goal Reduce intensity between partners. This is exactly opposite of attempting to increase intimacy. Reducing their closeness and tension facilitates their ability to use complex neo-cortex abilities.

10. The treatment agreement • Following the initial assessment- I ask the couple to have a brief meeting about their experience of the intake. They should discuss whether this approach sounds reasonable and whether they both feel comfortable with me. • If agreeing to treatment, they will make one evaluation appointment for each and a conjoint session for recommendations.

11. Common fears when attempting change • It won’t change • It will get worse • It will change but it won’t last • The change will not be sufficient • I will be talked/coerced into doing or accepting things that are not good for me.

12. The mechanics-assessment • How do they attempt discussions? • When do they have time together? • How do battles begin? • How do they fight dirty? • How do they ask for things? • Who initiates sex and how do they respond to each other?

13. Primitive battle • Diagnosis and name-calling • Attacking the family • I’m the expert • I work harder than you • Calling on experts, books and other evidence • Intimidation • Arguing the facts

14. Looking for positives • Attachment language-agency, connection, hope, positive story telling, humor • Shared goals • The exceptions to the negatives: • When do things go well? • When do they have their best times? • Be cautious when asking about exceptions.

15. The Experimental Nature of Change • Everything a couple asks for or tries is merely an experiment. • Be prepared to back up because… • If an assignment fails, it wasn’t resistance. It was the wrong assignment.

16. We need to talk. I really need to talk to you and get to know you better. I will feel closer to you. or I want to rip you open emotionally, make you feel guilty and inadequate and then tap dance on your bloodied useless carcass. This will take about four hours.

17. The mechanics- planning • Planning meetings- timing, time-limits, preparation, decreasing surprises • Place- remember conditioning theory • Establishing rules of engagement • Soft start-ups, bids and increasing positives (Gottman)

18. Defining the Problem • Forcing your brains to organize the data • Specific and behavioral objectives • Select and define sub-arguments and distractions • What are the key subjects and what do they mean to each of you? • What would each of you view as a successful conclusion to the topic you have named as important?

19. Early Building of Positives(Gottman, Hendrix) • Wish list • Minimal positive contact • Sacred times • Initiating times together (How do they get together after absences? The arsenic hour is described.) • Celebrating change Note: These are early interventions and do not necessarily address the big issues, yet.

20. Relapse • Inoculating against catastrophic reactions to relapse • Using relapse as a learning tool • Celebrating new responses to old behaviors • Discussing continued growth

21. After Relapse, Tx Begins! • Couples have an initial honeymoon • They then have a vicious relapse which is all the more painful because they thought they had made it. • Now they are ready to do the deeper work beyond just learning to be nicer to each other. • You need to invoke their curiosity.

22. Sex, love and affection • Couples often view problems of sexual desire, arousal and performance as problems of interest, affection and desirability. • It is often difficult but necessary to help them separate these concepts.

23. What part of sex is just business and mechanics? • Business versus Personal Issues • Partnership Meetings • Place, timing, agenda • Defining the problem and who has what problem • What is minimal positive change? • What else do we need for this discussion? (books, other info)

24. Group Program • Introduction to the biology of fighting and estrangement • Self Assessment • Development of structured interactions • Meetings, Negotiations, Play • Family Discussion and Assessments • Problem focus for successful discussions • Increasing intimacy • Relapse