Distinguish. Tell apart. Separate. Tell the Difference. “I can tell you who I am, what I think, feel, believe, want to do, and have done, without getting anxious or worrying about what you may think about what I have told you, even if I believe you disagree with me and disapprove .”.
Tell the Difference
“I can tell you who I am, what I think, feel, believe, want to do, and have done, without getting anxious or worrying about what you may think about what I have told you, even if I believe you disagree with me and disapprove.”
Differentiation means not needing to change the other person to meet our expectations, or change ourselves to meet the other’s, in order to be close.
Differentiation deals with the effort to define oneself, to control oneself, to become a more responsible person, and to permit others to be themselves as well.”
There is a difference between telling people what I think and telling them what they should think. Defining self means that we consistently and calmly tell others what we think and feel, without demanding that they think and feel the same way.
A search for individuality – autonomy – self-expression
A search for community – relationships - togetherness
Highly differentiated people show, above all else, two prominent attributes: Well-defined self boundaries and a well-developed thinking inner guidance system. People at higher levels of differentiation are comfortable with their own well-thought-out beliefs, standards, values, and priorities.
This is who I am – this is where I stand – this is what I will do and this is what I won’t do. I take responsibility for my own ideas and decisions. I can say no and set limits. I don’t demand that others conform to my way of thinking. Don’t take responsibility for the feelings or decisions of others. Don’t try to control others.
Beliefs, values, life goals, purpose & priorities. Well thought through principles. My beliefs & values are examined & in my awareness. Who do you want to be in this relationship or in life? What are your core values?
When a person can’t separate themselves from another person. They take responsibility for how another person feels or they expect the other to take responsibility for how they feel.
When anxiety rises, we become rather predictable. Our thinking becomes less clear and more reactive. We begin to see ourselves as the victim of other’s actions. We assign motives to others’ behavior, or we take it personally. Demand for conformity in thinking and behavior increases. We look for a quick fix to the symptoms that develop. The least mature members among us begin to attract most of our attention.”
Fused individuals “have a deep-seated need to be loved, accepted, approved of, and guided by others; or conversely, to provide this for others.”