Difficult People

2. Difficult People • Make getting the job done harder • Can really hurt and confuse you • Are usually self centered • Lack insight • Don’t DO teamwork • Cause conflict

3. Difficult People Can Make Us Feel angry, frustrated, and powerless Miss work/activities Feel unskilled Lose concentration Lose our cool Want to quit Wonder why we chose our profession

4. Types of Difficult People

5. The Whiner • Can’t someone else do it? • Complains incessantly • Always finds fault • Never happy • Full of excuses • Brings everyone down • Very irritating • Never wants to work

6. The Tank • Rude and tactless • Aggressive • Insensitive • Forces others • Orders others around • Never considers others needs • “TELL IT LIKE IT IS!” • Get what they want

7. The Sniper • Keeps track of everyone else • Always in others business • Loves to spread gossip • Agrees with everyone • Denies any bad feelings • Loves to “help” others • Snide remarks • Sabotages you behind your back

8. The Grenade • Explodes with little warning • Always on the edge • Poor problem solving • Poor long term thinking • Usually mostly noise • Counts on others to be civil • Wants immediate gratification • Uses threats to get what they want

9. The Think They Know It All • Exaggerates • Brags • Misleads • Distracts • Legends in their own minds • Irritating • Hard to contradict

10. The No and Nothing Person • Doleful and discouraging • Take no chances • Always a reason not to • Give no feedback • Seal their mouths • Stare past you • No response

11. Emotional Vampires

12. What They Do • Take advantage and leave us feeling foolish • Drain our energy • Let us down • Humiliate us • Use up precious resources • Leave us angry and upset • They are not likely to change

13. Narcissistic Legends • Knowledgeable • Use and then discard people • Very controlling • Expect special treatment • Rigid • Low tolerance for correction or confrontation • Demand obedience and submissiveness

14. The Obsessive/Compulsive • Workaholic • Can’t relax • High standards • Extremely organized • Difficulty making decisions • Rigid and controlling • Black/white-right/wrong thinking • Finds fault with everything

15. The Paranoid • Few friends • Demands absolute loyalty • Holds grudges • Makes big deal of nothing • Angry at even small slights • Sure everyone is up to no good • Greets every change with suspicion

16. Blanch Duboise • Always depends on others to do the work • Needs constant assistance • Never follows through • Great at eliciting help • “Fragile” • Trades on looks or other attributes

17. Anti-Socials • Rules don’t really apply • May be charming • Good at reading others • Give you what you want • Unreliable • Untrustworthy • Take advantage of others • Never really produce

18. What To Do?

19. Know What They Want Know who you are dealing with: • When they want power you feel angry or humiliated • When they want your attention you feel annoyed and irritated • When they want revenge you feel hurt • When they want to be taken care of you feel hopeless, worried and concerned • When they just want to win you feel worthless

20. Know Their History • Have they done this to others • Have others had difficulty with them • What is their reputation • Are they successful at what they do • How do others view them

21. Know Your Goal • Is this person necessary to you • What do you want out of the relationship • Can you ignore this person’s behavior • Do you need to escape • Will confrontation work • What limits can you set • How will you enforce the limits • How can you gain advantage

22. Having Tough Conversations

23. The Lens of Understanding From: Dealing With People You Can’t Stand Dr. Rick Brinkman & Dr. Rick Kirschner

24. Mistaken Assessment of Danger Aggressively Defensive Behavior Negative Feedback Cycle of High Conflict Thinking

25. Listen to Understand • Blend with their style visibly and audibly • Backtrack or repeat what you hear • Clarify the meaning, intent and criteria • Summarize what you hear • Confirm to find out if you got it right

26. Speak to Be Understood • Monitor your tone • State your positive intent • Tactfully interrupt interruptions • Tell your truth • Be ready to listen

27. Managing Anger • Receiving and absorbing anger - be the sponge! • Using deflecting statements – “That may be”, “Be that as it may”, “OK”, “Thanks for sharing that” • Coming back to the point • Visualizations to do ahead of time – Blue Light, Golden Light

28. Listen with E.A.R. • Empathy – I’m sure this is difficult for you. • Attention – I am here to listen to you and you will have my full attention • Respect – I have a lot of respect for your commitment to your child

29. B.I.F.F. for Hostile Communication • Brief • Informative • Friendly • Firm

30. Practice New Skills Standing Strong Saying Nothing “And your point is?” “So” Using Humor • “Agreeing” with the bully • Walking away • Wise retreat • Reporting • Making a plan

31. Business like Communication • Sticks to the point • Is courteous and polite • Is always respectful • Is interested in getting results • Never burns bridges • Is not open to provocation • Is win/win

32. Dealing With the Whiner • Listen for a limited amount of time • Express respect for the things they do well • Ask them to come up with solutions • Change the subject to something positive • Express faith that they will be able to master the task • Redirect the conversation

33. Dealing with the Tank • Stay calm • Use a strong stance • Don’t back down • Ask if they mean to be disrespectful • Use I Statements and Reflective Listening • Use assertive voice • Explain that you will consider everyone’s needs

34. Dealing with The Sniper • Call them out on nasty comments • Show interest in their opinions • Ask them what their comment has to do with the presentation • Confront their behavior directly

35. Dealing with Grenades • Allow one minute to vent • Don’t react to insults • Take control of the conversation • Take a strong stance and assertive tone • Get their attention with a strong statement • “Hey, I’m on your side” • “I understand, but that is not going to happen”

36. Dealing With a Know-It-All • Make sure to have facts • Be assertive • Counter misinformation in neutral way • Keep staff abreast of all new info • Confront false facts and information directly • Don’t attack their self esteem

37. Dealing with Dr. No • Recognize their expertise • Draw out their opinions by: • Inferring thoughts to them • Thinking out loud • Staying silent • Ask for their help • Connect with them on a personal level

38. Specific Strategies for Fighting Vampires • Get outside views and advice • Don’t get caught up • Maintain your composure • Set limits • Follow through • Center yourself • Do things that feed your spirit

39. Dealing with the Narcissist • Is this person necessary to you • What do you want out of the relationship • Can you ignore this person’s behavior • Feed their ego to get what you want. • Confrontation rarely works • Find ways to work around • Acknowledge their expertise

40. Dealing with Obsessive/Compulsives • Appeal to their need for order • Give lots of warning and information • Connect with their emotional side • Help them see the benefits in time and stress • Let them have input into planning

41. Dealing with the Paranoid • Give them lots of warning • Give them lots of information • Tell them why • Reassure them of support • Recognize their expertise • Ask them to help plan • Keep them abreast of all information

42. Dealing with Blanch • Show faith in their ability • Be direct, clear, firm • Set a tone of expectation • Empathize with the difficulty • Continuously point out strengths • Help them see the students as helpless and in need of their expertise

43. Dealing with an Anti-Social • Have a clear understanding of the rules and your own limits • Check everything out • Don’t fall for charm • Resist giving in to their pressure • Repeat the rules and limits • Never make quick decision

44. Soothing Your Emotions • Breathing • Talk to someone • Art and writing • Planning • Visualizations • Blue Light • Golden Light • Calm Places • Music & smells