Assertiveness

1. Assertiveness Dr Louise Livesey, Programme Co-ordinator, MA Women’s Studies, Ruskin College Oxford 18th April 2014

2. Structure of the Morning 9am – welcome and opening exercises 9.20am – What is Assertiveness? Why is it an issue? 11am – Coffee Break 11.30am – Assertiveness and Gender – what are the issues? 1pm - Lunch

3. Learning Outcomes • Explore what assertiveness means and how to enact it • Within the context of culturally specific settings (e.g. Russia and the UK) • Within the context of cultural gender relations • Within the context of advocating for particular client groups/service users • Explore the gendered implications of assertiveness, forms of backlash to that and how to manage these responses.

4. Teaching Styles • Please feel free to ask questions, don’t feel you have to wait until the end of the session. • Please take part in all exercises unless you feel very uncomfortable in which case please let me know • Please take part in discussions and contribute ideas – this is a very interactive, participatory session.

5. What is Assertiveness? Why is it an issue? • Discuss with your partner (15 mins): • What does “assertiveness” (уверенный) mean for you? • How do you behave assertively? • What behaviours are not assertive?

7. Assertiveness is: • A mode of communicating transparently and openly about your position/viewpoint/needs. • It is being direct without being rude • It is try to achieve goals without violating the rights of others

8. It is not: Behaving aggressively • focussed on dominating, winning, forcing others to lose at all costs. • Intruding into space, staring people out, threats, put downs • ‘This is what I want- what matters to you isn’t important to me’ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=78b67l_yxUc&list=RDDS3MqZWW3Ac

9. It is not: Behaving passively • Appeasing others and avoiding all conflicts • Apologizing inappropriately • Not saying what you mean • Averting gaze, hesitation • ‘I don’t count so you can take advantage of me’ https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HDG9PvsVxjo

10. It is not: Behaving passive-aggresively • Most often verbal passivity with non-verbal aggression • Such as communicating when there is clearly something problematic to discuss; burying an angry head in the sand to evade issues; intentionally putting off important tasks; deliberately stalling or preventing action; being cryptic, unclear or not fully engaging in conversations; always coming up with reasons for not doing things; blaming others for situations rather than taking responsibility for their own actions; withholding information. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9JubaAS1v-w

11. Assertiveness and Work • In what circumstances might you need to use assertiveness skills? • In groups of three you are going to role-play situations to improve/use assertiveness skills.

12. Break – see you at 11.30am

13. Assertiveness and Gender • Assumptions about how different genders should behave affect how identical behaviours are seen by understood the audience. A man should be…. A woman should be…..

14. Gender Assumptions • Women are socially trained to be submissive, passive, valued for appearance rather than substance – so they don’t behave assertively. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=crRYaELNj_k • When girls and women behave in ways considered at odds with passivity, they are negatively characterised https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6dynbzMlCcw#aid=P9LIY5UvRog

15. Research Bowles, Babcock & Lai (2007) found that • women incur a greater social cost from attempting to negotiate for personal goals (such as higher pay) - the negative effect was more than 5.5 times greater for women than for men and how they asked (strongly or moderately) made no difference. (Butler and Geis 1990; Costrich, Feinstein, Kidder, Marecek, and Pascale 1975; Heilman, Block, Martell, and Simon 1989) • This is deemed “the likeability paradox” – being feminine is seen as at odds with managerial effectiveness resulting in women being perceived as competent but unlikable, or as likeable but incompetent (see Janoff-Bulmanand Wade 1996, Fiske, Bersoff, Borgida, Deaux, and Heilman 1991; Heilman 2001; Lyness and Judiesch 1999; Sonnert and Holton 1996). https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CyMnSmlRw3Q • When the gatekeeper is male, women are less likely than men to negotiate for personal goals. When the gatekeeper is female there is no gender difference. Bowles, H; Babcock, L & Lai, L (2007) “Social incentives for gender differences in the propensity to initiate negotiations: Sometimes it does hurt to ask” in Organizational Behavior and Human Decision Processes 103 pp84–103

16. Should we tailor assertiveness to gender expectations? • Gender categories are deeply ingrained. Trying to simply argue people out of (often subconscious) gender stereotypes (undoing gender biases simply by telling people they exist) is not likely to work. • Some women choose to work with/play up the feminine stereotypes – for example negotiating as caregivers for someone else. • Some women hide their successes in cross-gender contexts so as to appear less effective/threatening. • Some women adopt “feminine wiles” to get what you want (often passive-aggressive behaviours). • Some women adopt power-differential positions such as the organisational daughter or the work-wife. • Some women work to change, expand or minimise the boundaries of what is considered feminine • Some women choose to work in environments that are more female-friendly.

17. How to be assertive Value yourself and your rights • Understand that your rights, thoughts, feelings, needs and desires are just as important as everyone else's but not more important than anyone else's, either. • Believe you deserve to be treated with respect and dignity at all times. • Stop apologizing for everything. Identify your needs and wants, and ask for them to be satisfied • Don't wait for someone to recognize what you need (you might wait forever!) • Find ways to get your needs met without sacrificing others' needs in the process. Acknowledge that people are responsible for their own behavior • Don't take responsibility for how people react to your assertive statements (e.g. anger, resentment). You can only control yourself and they are not your responsibility. Express negative thoughts and feelings in a healthy and positive manner • Allow yourself to be emotional but in control and always respectful. • Do (appropriately) say what's on your mind, but do it in a way that protects the other person's feelings. • Stand up for yourself and confront people who challenge you and/or your rights. Receive criticism and compliments positively • Accept compliments graciously. • Allow yourself to make mistakes and ask for help. • Accept feedback positively – be prepared to say you don't agree but do not get defensive or angry. Learn to say "No" when you need to. • Know your limits and that you can't do everything or please everyone and learn to be OK with that. • Suggest an alternative for a win-win solution.