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Assertiveness 101:. Intro to Saying What You Mean and Meaning What You Say. Three Patterns of Communication. Aggressive Nonassertive (Passive) Assertive. Aggressive Behavior.

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assertiveness 101

Assertiveness 101:

Intro to Saying What You Mean


Meaning What You Say

three patterns of communication
Three Patterns of Communication
  • Aggressive
  • Nonassertive (Passive)
  • Assertive
aggressive behavior
Aggressive Behavior
  • Directly standing up for personal rights and expressing thoughts and beliefs in a way which is often dishonest, usually inappropriate, and always violates the rights of the other person
aggressive behavior4
Aggressive Behavior
  • Goals of Aggressive Behavior:
    • domination and winning
    • forcing the other to lose
  • Winning is insured by humiliating, degrading, belittling, or overpowering other people so that they become weaker and less able to express and defend their needs and rights
aggressive behavior5
Aggressive Behavior
  • Nonverbals intend to dominate or demean the other
  • Eye contact that tries to stare down, dominate the other
  • Sarcastic, condescending tone of voice; loud
  • Parental body gestures such as excessive finger pointing
reasons people act aggressively
Reasons People Act Aggressively
  • To get your point across
  • Don’t know another way to get your point across
  • For personal gain, control
  • To avoid your own personal responsibility
  • Low self esteem
  • Anger related to previous nonassertion
  • Don’t have other coping mechanisms
  • Reacting to another’s aggression
consequences of aggression
Consequences of Aggression
  • The other person gets defensive
  • Get rid of anger or other emotions
  • Lose friendships, other intimate relationships, damage relationships
  • Affect work, lose job
  • Lose respect
nonassertive behavior
Nonassertive Behavior
  • Violating your own rights by failing to express honest feelings, thoughts, and beliefs and consequently permitting others to violate you
nonassertive behavior9
Nonassertive Behavior
  • Goals of nonassertive behavior:
    • to appease others
    • to avoid conflict at any cost
  • Message communicated:
    • My thoughts aren’t important; I don’t count
    • I’m nothing; you are superior
    • I don’t respect your ability to take disappointments, handle your own problems. . .
nonassertive behavior10
Nonassertive Behavior
  • Evasive eye contact
  • Body gestures such as stepping back from the other, hunching shoulders, covering the mouth, nervous gestures
  • Voice tone may be singsong or overly soft
  • Hesitant speech pattern, nervous laughter
  • Gestures which convey weakness, anxiety, self-effacement
reasons people act nonassertively
Reasons People Act Nonassertively
  • Avoid confrontation
  • Personality
  • Fear of hurting the other person
  • Fear of rejection, losing the other person
  • Avoid aggression
  • Self esteem
  • Lack of skills
  • Cultural differences
consequences of nonassertion
Consequences of Nonassertion
  • Not getting your point across
  • Nothing changes, problems can get worse
  • Damages self esteem
  • Can lead to aggressive behavior
  • Other people can take advantage of you
assertive behavior
Assertive Behavior
  • Standing up for personal rights and expressing thoughts, feelings and beliefs in direct, honest, and appropriate ways which do not violate another person’s rights
assertive behavior14
Assertive Behavior
  • Goals of Assertive Behavior--
    • to get and give respect
    • to ask for fair play
    • to leave room for compromise when the needs and rights of two people conflict
    • to communicate and develop mutuality in relationships
assertive behavior15
Assertive Behavior
  • Involves respect, not deference
  • Two types of respect:
    • respect for oneself
    • respect for the other person’s needs and rights
assertive behavior16
Assertive Behavior
  • Basic Message:
    • This is what I think
    • This is what I feel
    • This is how I see the situation
  • This message expresses who the person is and is said without dominating, humiliating, or degrading
assertive behavior17
Assertive Behavior
  • Assertive Behavior is NOT:
    • simply a way to get what you want
    • manipulative
    • aggressive
    • irresponsible
assertive behavior18
Assertive Behavior
  • Nonverbals are congruent with verbals
  • Voice is appropriately loud to the situation
  • Eye contact is firm but not a stare down
  • Body gestures denote strength
  • Speech pattern is fluent, expressive, clear, and emphasizes key words
assertive communication
Assertive Communication
  • I language Communication--3 parts:
    • I feel . . . (describe your feelings)
    • when . . .(objectively describe the other person’s behavior)
    • It’s tangible effects on you . . .(describe how the other person’s behavior concretely effects your life or feelings)