One Heart, One Mind, One Voice: A Celebration of Difference

1. One Heart, One Mind, One Voice:A Celebration of Difference To draw in the pundits one needs: Celebrities!

2. Who has Celebrity Status? A celebrity is a person who is widely recognized in a society. Fame is one prerequisite for celebrity status, but not always sufficient. Traditionally, politicians are rarely described as celebrities, but in the era of television, some have had to become de facto celebrities. ...

3. Our Invited Celebrities Included • Three members of Parliament • A famous singer and songwriter • A model wife • Star of TV Programmes • And a dog…

4. Invited Celebrity Name: Jack Straw MP Performance: The Dance of the Seven Veils

5. Declined Because: Jack was involved in a horrid incident: During a keynote speech on “The Need To See What People Say” A breech of the peace was committed as he bent and turned his back to speak clearer to the audience…….

6. Alternative Views of Jack Straw Or would you prefer

7. Invited Celebrities Name: Paul and Heather Performance: A two part harmony

8. Declined Because: Sadly, Paul and Heather are still in court fighting out a bloody, bitter battle for custody of… Heather’s spare leg

9. Invited Celebrity Name: Margaret Hodge MP (former Minister of Disabled People) Performance: Conjuring tricks

10. Declined Because: Reported to have said: “Oh, I am not worthy to perform with such brave and plucky people. That doesn’t sound too patronising, does it? Besides, I only know one illusory trick… Putting all my knowledge and experience of disability issues onto a… Well, I think it’s an illusion..”

11. Invited Celebrity Name: David Cameron MP (Leader of the Opposition) Performance: Story Telling

12. Declined Because: An Aid said in a text: “Sorry, schedule too tight. Planning new multi- functional buildings – Jails, asylum centres, special schools, etc. Organising focus group on: benefits and decriminalising an aspect of street crime – Begging. Before attend a performance of ‘The Beggars Opera’…”

13. Invited Celebrity Name: Jade Goody Oh, Brother! (No, sorry, I meant, ex-BIG Brother) Performance: Stand up comedienne

14. Declined Because: Recorded answer phone message: “Is this beepthing working? Me, stand up? Not after bleeping eight thirty, I don’t!”

15. Anyhow, I’m not coming unless I can have those two new parking bays outside the Arena Theatre.”

16. Invited Celebrity Name: Lucy (I’m the real bitch in his life) Performance: Reading extracts from her new diary

17. Declined Because: I would’ve loved to come, but… …would’ve have to come with… Talks about disability equality; but he hates being with … Can you read extracts for me? If you do, that’ll really piss him off!

18. Paws for Thought The Diary of a Guide Dog called Lucy

19. About Me My name is Lucy. I work for his nibs – David Blunkett MP. He hasn’t a cat in hell’s chance of getting anywhere without ME!

20. A Guide Dog for the Blind Without me he’d plough head first into a pile of smelly stuff… ….Come to think about, he does that anyway! I am what they call “a guide dog for the blind” – not my choice of words, I assure you…

21. A more suitable title might be: • Guide dog for a slippery snake • Guide dog for a dumb arse politico • Guide dog for a repetitive disaster maker • Guide dog for a Minister of Silly Walks • Guide dog for someone beyond help

22. Why Write A Diary? • Better than listening to Parliamentary gob shite all day long • There’s a limit to putting up with having to keep looking up his nibs’ trouser leg • And if he can do it… • …Besides, have you read his load of bollocks?

23. Who does he think he is? As I’ve already suggested, I’m the leader; he just follows my lead. They all crap on about how “wonderful” he is; how he’s “overcome blindness”, etc. Excuse me, what’s been my role here? Who made the Civil Service jump? Sorted out his Access to Work? Oh, and f**ked up the Nanny’s travel permit?

24. And another thing… Who ensured maximum media coverage EACH TIME he put his foot … …and that other thingy he has… …in it? Look at this?

25. David Blunkett News Articles from around the world focusing on David Blunkett. The mass media love stories about: “Triumph over Tragedy” or High flyers who end tits up! Yes, the media just adore, David!

26. That’s enough about his nibs… …My diary

27. Part of the job – being a poser

28. Extracts from My Diary August 2001 • I’m dragged to another bloody dinner party by his nibs. Hate standing round, nose at crotch level, with a bunch of pretentious snobs. As time goes by and the alcohol flows, in more senses than one, it’s not a pleasant experience. • Talking about bitches nosing around and crotches; his nibs got friendly with some media type called, Kimberley Quinn. I felt a right spectator.

29. So, tell me, what could SHE do for him, that I couldn’t?

30. Extracts from My Diary Tuesday October 17th 2006 David Blunkett's dog’s dinner of a diary Cheeky bastards! My dinners aren’t crap, I have you know!

31. Extracts from My Diary Wednesday October 11th 2006 His nibs’ relationship with the PM is going to be the death of me. First of all, we have Cabinet meetings; God, they’re so boring! …At least I don’t feel out of place there – licking my private parts in public.

32. Then there’s the PM’s gift… …the second coming! After dropping a bollock and having to clear his desk …neither of them learnt any lessons… “Here’s another post for you, David.” “It’ll be good therapy…” Oh, yeah? Home Secretary – therapeutic?

33. And, finally, why go along with all the PM’s half baked ideas? I’ll lead you, he says. Kept saying, we need to go down the 3rd way. What kind of instruction is that? Took me awhile, but I cottoned on that it meant, keep turning right. Then there’s that other time I let the PM lead; arm in arm they strolled off, and before I knew it, we were in Iraq!

34. People I have known… Mixed with all sorts; from Kings and Queens, (plenty of queens, but don’t tell his nibs), through to prisoners he was quite willing to see shot if they got out of hand. Maybe its because I work with his nibs, but I have a thing about people who are, well – Up themselves…

35. Stand up Now, take that Jimmy Carr. He’s far too deep for my liking… (Think about it) He went to Cambridge…so he thinks he’s a Clever dick. I think he’s 50% accurate there!

36. Here’s a tasteless piece of his own medicine They say he has a deadpan face… …Deadpan? Bedpan, more like! What’s the difference between Jimmy’s face and a baboon’s arse? Never been tempted to put my fist in a Baboon’s arse…

37. Carr tells a lot of jokes about his girlfriend. Does she need a guide dog; I could fit her up… However lots of men claim to have a ‘girl friend’ because they don’t want to feel left out What if ‘girl friend’ is a code phrase for something quite different? You don’t mean…

38. A Whole New Meaning • I got arrested for being seen out in public with my girlfriend • How would I describe by girlfriend? Rather small, fat and wears a polo neck • No, I’m not going to flash my girlfriend up on the screen for you…

39. That’s All Folks! If anyone was upset, shocked, disgusted, offended or traumatised by this performance… ...please seek professional help!