Dealing With Conflict André van der Walt

1. Dealing With Conflict André van der Walt

2. THE SKILLS PYRAMID Tech- nical skills Functional skills Enabling skills (Scherer in Pfeiffer & Co Library)

3. Change and Conflict?

4. Learning Outcomes • Understand the conflict concept • Understand your own conflict style • Get insight into how others deal with conflict • Know the stages in the escalation of conflict • Apply different strategies to handle conflict • Improved conflict handling skills • Use conflict as a stimulus for growth in your personal and work life

5. I cannot deal with conflict before I have dealt with myself: • Perceptions • Values vs Principles • Fears • Needs • Self-esteem

6. Functional vs. Dysfunctional Conflict The distinction between functional conflict and dysfunctional conflict pivots on whether the organization’s interests are served. The question is: Does the conflict hinder or support organizational performance? (Kreitner & Kinicki, 1989)

7. “We owe almost all our knowledge not to those who have agreed, but to those who have differed” – Charles Colton All progress occurs because people dare to be different.” – Harry Millner

8. The Antecedents/Causes of Conflict • Incompatible personalities or value systems • Overlapping or unclear job boundaries • Competition for limited resources • Inadequate resources • Interdependent tasks (have to wait for someone else) • Organisational complexity – hierarchies, etc

9. Unreasonable/unclear policies, standards • Unreasonable deadlines or extreme time pressure • Collective decision-making (collective irresponsibility) • Decision-making by consensus (100% agreement?) • Unmet expectations (unrealistic expectations?) • Unresolved or suppressed conflicts • (Kreitner & Kinicki, 1989)

10. Self-centredness • Competitiveness • Authority • Seniority • Affirmative action • Interdepartmental concerns

11. Conflict Intensity & Outcomes (Brown, 1996) Pos. Outcomes Neut. Neg. Too little conflict Appropriate conflict Too much conflict Low Moderate High Intensity

12. SIX STEPS IN THE CONFLICT RESOLUTION PROCESS Step 1: Acknowledge that conflict exists Step 2: Identify the “real” conflict Step 4: Explore and generate ways to resolve the conflict Step 3: Listen actively to all points of view Step 6: Schedule a follow- up session to review progress Step 5: Select a solution and clarify responsibilities

13. The Conflict Cycle Experiences Behaviour Interpretations Beliefs/self-talk

14. “You’re wrong” means “I don’t understand you” – I’m not seeing what you’re seeing. But there is nothing wrong with you, you are simply not me and that’s not wrong” Prather, 1970

15. Collaboration means moving from … Me & the Problem vs. You to Me & You vs. the Problem

16. 8 Pillars of Conflict Management

17. Pillar 1 Have Confidence

18. Beliefs and Confidence Raw Ability Results Beliefs A B

19. Pillar 2 A Clear Message

20. Pillars 3 & 4 Listen & Feedback

21. “To be listened to is a striking experience – partly because it is so rare. When another person is totally with you, leaning in, interested in every word, eager to empathize, you feel known and understood. People get bigger when they know they’re listened to; they have more presence. They feel safer and more secure, as well, and can begin to trust. It is why listening is so important … Whitworth, et al., 1998

22. “As Gandhi said, ‘Three-fourths of the miseries and misunderstandings in the world will disappear if we step into the shoes of our adversaries and understand their standpoint.’ As we really understand the other point of view, we often find our own point of view changed through increased understanding.” (Stephen Covey)

23. Empathy (Clifton & Buckingham) “You can sense the emotions of those around you. You can feel what they are feeling as though their feelings are your own. Intuitively, you are able to see the world through their eyes and share their perspective. You do not necessarily agree with each person’s perspective. You do not necessarily feel pity for each person’s predicament - this would be sympathy, not empathy. You do not necessarily condone the choice each person makes, but you do understand”

24. Active listening closes the communication loop, ensuring that the two parties do not only “hear” each other, but confirm their understanding, and as a result, take the appropriate actions. What is the quality of the communication in your … Team? Organisation? Personal life?

25. How Do You Know When Someone is Really Listening? • The person … • Gives you his/her undivided attention • Is sensitive – doesn’t interrupt • Is open minded, non-judgemental • Listens for meaning and understanding • Won’t break the silence • Asks open-ended questions • Remembers and summarises what you said • Remains calm and focused • Responds appropriately

26. Non-verbal signs of active listening • Eyes: Take note of your posture, face, gestures, movements • Ears: Register your words, rate of speech, voice, volume, pitch • Mind: Concentrates on content, meaning and your thought process • Heart: Picks up your feelings

27. Pillar 5 - Clarify Perceptions People interpret reality differently. They perceive differences in the severity, causes and consequences of problems

28. Pillar 6 - Be Open and Flexible We may simply be too inflexible and could therefore hold rigid, dogmatic beliefs about the "right way" to do things.

29. Human Default Positions • What are some of my default positions? • How do they serve me? • How do they get in the way

30. In conflict with others In dealing with unexpected events Rigid Flexible In confronting obstacles In expressing and discussing ideas In relating with others

31. Pillar 7 Focus on a Positive Outcome

32. Approaching Life’s Challenges Destruction Decay Survival Success Artistry Ruin Lose/Lose Nothing Not you, not me Apathy I don’t care Lack Not me Scarcity Win/Lose Possess- iveness You or me Productivity I must win Accumulation Me, then you Breakthrough Win/Win Abundance You & me Diminishing Energy Increasing Energy Fear Love Stress Joy

33. Pillar 8 Work Methodically

34. Power • The “powerful” • The “powerless”

35. Organisational Politics • Attacking or blaming others • Using information as a political tool • Developing a base of support • Praising others (making influential people feel good) • Associating with influential people • Creating obligations (reciprocity) • Robert Allen, et al.

36. In Conclusion …

37. Conflict Resolution’s Enemies • The natural need to want to explain our side first • Our ineffectiveness as listeners • Our fears • The assumption that one of us has to lose for the other one to win • Encina, 2002

38. Two Vital Principles • “Seek first to understand, then to be understood” (Stephen Covey) • Focus on NEEDS, not position • Encina, 2002

39. Oh yes, also remember to … ENJOY YOURSELF, IT’S LATER THAN WE THINK!

40. Six Pillars of Self-esteem • Living Consciously • Self-acceptance • Self-assertiveness • Self-responsibility • Living Purposefully • Personal Integrity Nathaniel Branden