Chapter 7: Why All This Misery?

1. Retrouvaille C.O.R.E March 14, 2008 Chapter 7: Why All This Misery?

2. Chapter 7 • Unrealistic Expectations • We have unrealistic expectations that get in the way of seeing who the other truly is. • We have preconceived notions of what we want in the spouse • We also have expectations of ourselves and our role in the marriage • Couples in romance have high expectations and lots of dreams • Most divorces occur at one of three vulnerable periods of marriage. Each is a major time of disillusionment • first 3 years – seeing the reality of our own & our spouse’s limitations • ‘seven year itch’ – when we achieved our initial dreams of 2 careers, 2 kids, own home and we find ourselves in a rut • ‘empty nest time’ – when youngest child gets into the teen years and no longer depends as much on parents 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17

3. Chapter 7 • Stages in a Marital Relationship • Every relationships goes through 4 stages • In romance, we focus on the other person • In disillusionment, we are bugged by the traits or behavior of the other and begin to focus on ourselves • In misery, we become totally turned in on self and, if we notice the other person at all, we believe that person is the cause of our pain • In awakening, we focus on ‘us’ as a couple & experience unity again • These stages recur unless we get stuck in misery In misery, we become totally turned in on self

4. Chapter 7 • Disillusionment • We grow disappointed with ourselves • Our spouse doesn’t always make us happy. Little things get annoying • Our vision of ourselves and our spouse gets distorted • Romanticized expectations give way to truth / reality • e.g. woman is not as good a housekeeper as she had envisioned • e.g. man’s dreams for a successful career are not panning out • We react by lashing out / expressing a projected disappointment with our spouse • she nags him for not sharing housework or taking time for household repairs • e.g. he accuses her of pushing him to be successful • Marriage doesn’t seem as exciting • Both feel burdened with responsibilities • Fights or silence replace deep conversations & understanding of previous years • Slowly, unconsciously, behavior changes and spouses begin to live a more self-centered relationship • Couples develop a ‘married singles’ lifestyle

5. Chapter 7 • Married Singles Lifestyle • Spouses start thinking more of their own interests than of their partner’s • Think they are happier pursuing individual goals • Aren’t anxious to do things together or spend time together • We use sports, TV, newspapers, work or clubs to avoid each other and to avoid the difficulty of the marriage relationship • We engage in a frequent activity (e.g. club) to keep us away from home, show our spouse who is boss and a way to be in control • The habits of the workaholic spouse say ‘my work is more important than you’ • We may sincerely believe that fulfilling our own personal dreams will be best for our marriage but that begins a vicious cycle of even more independent decisions and behaviors “After a while, we are trying so hard to survive personally that we can hardly survive together.”

6. Chapter 7 • Misery • Bottoming out of the disillusionment stage • Bitterness, distrust, anger, hopelessness take over. We feel trapped • Spouses find it hard to protect themselves from being hurt again • Get hung up on issues or problems because the relationship is not healthy or strong enough to work through them • Couples blame each other for their pain • They fail to see each other’s because the pain has drawn them into themselves • We may get trapped in the misery stage because we don’t like ourselves • We put up protective walls and turn in on ourselves • Spouse doesn’t seem understanding or even present • Spouses sleep in separate beds, talk to one another only about children & communicate through bitter arguments • Couples usually come to counselors at this stage, seeking a cure • People don’t reconcile anymore • In this hopelessness, people often give up. • Divorce seems a logical way out

7. Chapter 7 • “... it was just added to the mountain of unshared feelings, hopes, frustrations and resentments. It was just left to fester and erupt at a later time. We were crying and dying on the inside but to others we appeared to be quite the normal couple. “There’s no religious or moral or ethical concept in our society to hold people together.” • Decision to Love • Love is not a feeling. Love is a decision and a commitment • If we recognize misery for what it is, we can make the decision to love • The person who makes a decision to love has made a commitment to be loving whether a loving feeling is present or not • It is easier to profess love, than to act loving. Pain magnetizes our attention. Yet we have to make the decision to love in spite of ourselves.

8. Chapter 7 • Decision to Love • Time of forgiveness, rebuilding, making the needed changes and beginning again • We strive again for unity • May mean telling someone the truth they do not want to hear or bringing up a discussion they want to avoid • We offer what we think will help another grow. We never force their response or acceptance. • This giving is the result of a committed, thoughtful decision and not simply a passing feeling • We never reach this stage and stay here. We keep cycling through these stages • Romance and awakening focus on the other person/relationship • Disillusionment/misery focus on self • True joy comes not in ‘poor me’ but in moments of unity

9. Chapter 7 • Questions • When have there been deep feelings of isolation and loneliness for either or both of us in our marriage? • Share a time when the decision to love your spouse has led to the experience of joy.

10. Retrouvaille C.O.R.E Chapter 8: Who Is the Dirtiest Fighter?

11. Chapter 8 • Handling Conflict • People we care for and live with can stir two of our most intense emotions – love and anger • No involvement means no conflict, but usually also means no love • Conflict is a necessary part of relationships in order to solve issues • Most of us do not handle conflict well. • We react to conflict with protective behaviors, because we fear rejection, judgment or another’s anger or domination. • In protective behavior, we blame the other for our feelings and behavior, denying that anything is wrong with us • Loving behavior, being open to learning from conflict, is a healthy alternative When we are willing to look at ourselves, seeking to understand why feel the way we do and how our spouse feels, we can gain insights that lead to healthy change.

12. Chapter 8 • Managing Anger • Some people use anger to protect themselves • You can learn how to handle anger so it becomes constructive rather than destructive • Venting anger clears the air for the venter but causes hostility and leaves scars • Suppressing anger leads to silent treatment, superficial truce, shallow relationships, and build-up resentments • Both venting and suppressing anger can be harmful to marriage • Couples sometimes uses competition to solve conflict, choosing a power play • May try to control each other • One control, the other complies  doesn’t solve deeper issues • When one spouse is indifferent, each go their own way, avoiding intimacy and growth

13. Chapter 8 • Conflict Resolution • Conflict is the emotional tension that results from incompatible needs or values • We have conflicts within ourselves • Conflicts are inevitable in a close, intimate relationships • The dirtiest fighter is the one who refuses to fight at all • Fighting can actually get us through a conflict to a level of greater intimacy • Rules for fighting • Fight • Fight fairly • No name calling • No third parties • No past history • Stick to the subject • Don’t hit below the belt • Don’t go to bed angry • Maintain a sense of humor • Hold hands and/or look in each other’s eyes

14. Chapter 8 • Confliction Resolution Begins with Exploration of Feelings • Decide what the issue is and then dialogue about it. Decide what and whose the issue is, and where and when to talk about it • Write your feelings. We need to be willing to feel pain in order to enter into learning rather than self-protection. • What are your thoughts and what assumptions are you making? (if you loved me, you would never leave your clothes on the floor) • What do you see yourself doing? How are you acting or reacting to these thoughts, feelings and assumptions? What have you chosen to do or not to do? Exploration calls us to get down to the level of feelings, especially the fears that motivate our actions • The next step is to look at whether we are willing to change. Compromise on the issue, ‘gift’ the issue, agree to disagree

15. Chapter 8 • In summary • Unresolved anger and conflict can gradually destroy understanding and intimacy in marriage. • Partners need the feeling of being understood and appreciated • Learning to deal with conflict is a process in which our initial goal is not to solve problems but to understand ourselves • Some issues will continue • Learning to deal with conflict means being willing to experience pain • We need to believe in ourselves and in each other • We are both wounded people who need healing, and we can help each other to heal • If you don’t confront the issues, your relationship doesn’t grow Conflict can be an ally in gaining intimacy and understanding.

16. Chapter 8 • Questions • How do I handle my feelings of anger? Do I get defensive or do I try to discover the deeper feelings behind my anger? • How were conflicts handled in the home where I grew up? Am I repeating these patterns?