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. Sociology 287: Sex for Singles , Hooking Up, and S ex in Uncommitted Relationships

. Sociology 287: Sex for Singles , Hooking Up, and S ex in Uncommitted Relationships. Pepper Schwartz, PhD September 2013. The Present landscape ( Bedscape ?). Later marriage High Divorce rate Global Networks Internet Dating and Internet “Worlds”

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. Sociology 287: Sex for Singles , Hooking Up, and S ex in Uncommitted Relationships

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  1. . Sociology 287:Sex for Singles , Hooking Up, and Sex in Uncommitted Relationships Pepper Schwartz, PhD September 2013

  2. The Present landscape (Bedscape?) Later marriage • High Divorce rate • Global Networks • Internet Dating and Internet “Worlds” Second Life, Facebook, VibrantNation,etc

  3. Institutional Innovation • Living Together • Domestic Partnerships, • Gay Marriage,

  4. We still have the rituals of virginal wives.. • Engagements • Wedding Showers • Honeymoons • But now they come aftersexual experience..

  5. But it is a hypersexualized world.. • 2010 Indiana University Random Sample

  6. Intercourse before age 14 is rare but • By age 21- 85%

  7. Virginity gets “lost” for various reasons..(Carpenter) The Gift to a partner? A Stigma A “Natural Step”? Forced A Rit de Passage– or Process to Adulthood.. • (for Lesbians- “coming out”)

  8. THE WEDDING NIGHT IS A REPRISE , Only 6.9% of men and 21% of women aged l8 to 59 had their first intercourse on their wedding night.

  9. YOUNG ADULT SEXUALITY AND “DATING” • DATING IS MODEST TO DEAD IN HIGH SCHOOL AND COLLEGE: • ENTER: HOOKING UP

  10. WHAT IS A HOOK UP? • A CASUAL SOCIAL SITUATION OR PHONE CALL • SOMETHING SEXUAL HAPPENS • USUALLY INCLUDES DRINKING • DOES NOT PRECLUDE A RELATIONSHIP

  11. DATA FROM THE COLLEGE SOCIAL LIFE STUDY (ENGLAND, ET AL.2008-heterosexual data) • On “ their most recent hook up” self report: • 39% of the males and 36% of the females -vaginal sex 18% of the males and 14% females -oral sex 16% of the males and 15% females: hand to genital 27% of the males and 34% females: kissing, touching

  12. Definitions of Sex Differ- to say the least • “All that happened was like kissing.. Fully clothed action. I hooked up with him again.. There was more sexual stuff, but not sex…”

  13. Knowing each other before ahook up.. only 12% of the males, and 10% of the females say not at all.. • but 29% of the males and 20% of the females said “a little bit”; 26% said “ moderately well” • 17% of males and 23% of the females: “very well”

  14. Alcohol is a common theme • NUMBER OF DRINKS ON THE MOST RECENT HOOK-UP: THE MEAN… • 7 FOR MALES • 4 FOR FEMALES

  15. In Moore and Davison • 75% OF COLLEGE WOMEN SAID THEY HAD BEEN DRUNK IN THE PAST YEAR • 10% SAID THAT WHILE DRUNK THEY HAD SEX WITH A STRANGER.. • 17% OF COLLEGE WOMEN SAID THEY DRANK MORE TO MAKE SEX “EASIER’

  16. DOES A HOOK UP LEAD TO A DATE? • USUALLY IT DOES • By email approx 70% of both men and women re-contact their partner • Call or see in person-Between 77-80% • So today “dates” come after hook ups in most cases

  17. DATES VERSUS HOOK UPS BY SENIOR YEAR COLLEGE STUDENTS: • AN AVERAGE OF 4.4 DATES • AND 6.9 HOOKUPS • ( THE MEAN IS 3 DATES AND 5 HOOK UPS)

  18. Most Hook ups don’t lead to a relationship…but… most relationships are preceded by hook ups.. • “..it tends to start with …chemistry… then,,, alcohol or some party setting..helps ..people hook up. If they’re really in to each other already a series of hook ups can…lead to a relationship”

  19. DefiningTHE RELATIONSHIP? “ I wanted to see where I stood,, but I didn’t want to go.. Are we exclusive ?.. So I was ..sneaky and said..if..my friends were to ask.. What was going on with us , what should I tell them?”

  20. What does Bogle have to say about initiating the conversation about “ a relationship”? 1- Both men and women equally initiate it • It is an example of men’s hidden power • Women initiate it more

  21. Relationships that are sexual need additional definition • The “Defining the Relationship Talk” • “ So –what are we?” • “I was initiating a lot of the “do you like me” discussion. I think it was him who might have been the one who initiated the “lets actually do this”.

  22. Hooking up AND ORGASM • THERE IS A ORGASM GAP BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN Men-44%, 19% women

  23. OWN ORGASM-LAST HOOK UP • Receiving oral sex: men57% • women25% • Vag. Interc/no oral men 70% • women34% • Vag. interc/oral rec men 86% • women 49%

  24. And in this group-and all groups- an orgasm miscalculation • Reports on female partner’s orgasm by partner...(most recent hook up) Oral sex 60% men 25%women Interc/no oral 59% men 34% Interc/with oral 80% men 49%

  25. WHY? • Female reluctance for oral sex for themselves? • Male reluctance? • Faking orgasm “ I faked it because I didn’t want to hurt his feelings” • Male indifference “ I don’t think any hook up is based on mutual orgasm..its really just based on orgasm for me”.

  26. Lack of reciprocity • FR He did that thing where… they put their hand on the top of your head…and I hate that!... Especially cause there was no effort made to, like, return that favor…

  27. Lack of reciprocity • Interviewer to male respondent • Was it reciprocal oral sex? • MR: No…I think a lot of the times the girl.. does it because it’s expected…

  28. Some women are reluctant to receive oral sex • MR: • The female feels a little more protective of herself.. They’re not expecting nor do they really..allow themselves to be,, that open right away.

  29. BUT SOME WOMEN DO SEEK RECIPROCITY • “He wanted me to go down on him which I actually rather enjoyed . And then we finish- I don’t want to say “my turn’ but … So I go to the bathroom..and he’s asleep when I come back. Next morning..he turns over and wants to start making out… So I’m gonna assert my wants this time. So I’m like..taking his hand and trying to move it down there and he goes for maybe 30 seconds and then stops ..and expects me to repeat the night before… I was like” I’m sorry”..

  30. Still there is a lot of performance that is misleading • FR He orgasmed I did not.,, I faked it .. Cause I didn’t want to hurt his feellings. • FR2- No.. Faked it.. I do that quite often. I think a lot of girls do.

  31. Sex is still gendered among the liberal 20s-30s • Initiation- more shared, but still more male • Double standard- More equal but still not exactly • Women, more than men, can have “too many” hook ups; sex on the first or second hook up disadvantages women..

  32. According to Bogle- what made men think a woman was a slut? • 1 It depended on timing. It happened if a woman had sex of some kind with two men in a short period. • 2- it depended on how many men she had sex with • She had sex with guys that were friends • There wasn’t an easy operationalization of the term- all of these could matter.

  33. as Bogle said in “hooking up”… • “Men and Women want something different from the hook up culture- women still are more likely to be hoping for a relationship”

  34. But unlike the past, many women are also interested in JUST a hook up • Still the costs are different: • 33% of men said they respected their partner less • 23% of women • 21% of men said they felt less respected afterwards • 55% of women..

  35. So according to Bogle- why do women opt in to hooking up? • 1- Women really like this as much as men do. • 2-Men have all the power • 3 –It’s the best way to get a deeper relationship

  36. But adolescents aren’t powerless when it comes to sex

  37. Adolescents/under 21- are the public health stars Indiana University study: Adults used condoms 24.7%-most recent vaginal intercourse Male Adolescents used condoms 79.6% Female Adolescents 70.2%

  38. Dating and Online Dating • As people enter their mid twenties they are looking for a “relationship” • But online dating has changed the rules, by enlarging the pool immeasurably..

  39. Online Dating has changed the game From Propinquity to Similarity or Aspirational searches • New Networks • Selectivity by Appearance , Class, Age and new social science based search engines..

  40. Boutique and Mass Dating Sites • Mass- Match.com, Yahoo.com, Eharmony.com, • Medium, Boutique sites-Chemisty.com , Perfectmatch.com, Lavalight.com, Americansingles.com, OK Cupid • Nitch and smaller- Jdate, Christiandate.com, Mormondate.com, Fitsingles.com, The Rightstuff.com, Asiansingles.com , Seniorfriends.com, etc.

  41. Matching Systems • Relationships versus Dating Duet plus “ mini quizzes” on money, affection, etc. Intake Preferences and “ Deal Breakers”

  42. 42

  43. New Sexual Etiquette? • First email, • Then phone • Coffee first or a “walk” –short form… • Date next OR • Hooking Up? ( all ages..but more common among the young..)

  44. Singles: twenty to forty somethings

  45. Singles:18 to 40s Heterosexual women, (last 90 days IU) Masturbation- (alone)or with a partner 50% in last 90 days • Oral Sex (giving and receiving) 50%

  46. Intercourse • – 28% until the 20s- (70% dating) • 10% in the 30s (53% dating) • 7% in the 40s (68% dating) • 75-80% if in a relationship.. • Anal Intercourse 10-14%

  47. Females- Same Sex ( last 90 days, IU) Oral 18-24 highest group 3.4% receiving • 4.1% giving 30-39 0.8 % to 1.4% both giving and getting

  48. Singles 18-40s Heterosexual male, (last 90 days,IU) • Masturbation 80% -all unmarried.. ( highest 25-39)- peaking at 95.5% of “ single and dating” • Oral Sex • -highest in 20s-30s 60-78%

  49. Intercourse highest in late 20s-30s 60-75% • Anal Sex • 13-15.9% almost only in partnered relationships…

  50. Same Sex behavior last 90 days (IU) • ORAL SEX • Highest – men in their 50s- (7%) 40s- 5 % • ANAL SEX 30s /40s ---2.8%

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