Personal Memoir Feedback
Need more imagery • Telling vs. Showing: • Students tend to tell the reader that their “subject” is important or that there is a lesson learned, but they do not show the reader that.
Telling vs. Showing Example # 1: • “Friendship is important. I realized that we must hold onto the memories that we have of each other because we never know when we will have to say good bye. This was a valuable lesson that I learned and one that I will never forget.”
Telling vs. Showing Example # 2: • “I see my reflection on the car window with Claire’s face on the other side. Though the frigid air bit at my ears, I could still feel the warmth of her eyes. But as the minivan leaves the driveway, I know that I am not going to see Claire for a very long time. I look down at the raggedy doll she gave me, one black button left for an eye – the other, lost somewhere in the sandbox at the playground, hoping one day a new pair of strawberry blond girls will find it and begin the best years of their lives.”
Telling vs. Showing • Which example told the reader about the subject of friendship? Which example showed the reader about the subject of friendship? Explain.
Other Feedback • Avoid “Jumping the Timeline” - Must focus on one moment in time • Needed a Conflict and Crisis (Lesson Learned) • Avoid Cliché’s • Needed to focus on community
Grammar Mini-Lessons • Spell out numbers 1 – 20 • Object vs. Subject Form (Pronouns) • Inconsistent Verb Tense • PUNCTUATION!!!
“Me” vs. “I” • Me, Tom, and Daniel had to find a way to get there. • Tom, Daniel, and I had to find a way to get there
“Who” vs. “Whom” • Can someone please tell me to ______ this sweater belongs? • whom • I am very thankful for my mom, _____ is very generous. • who
Inconsistent Verb Tense • “It was the best day ever. The park was practically empty, and there were no lines. We climb up the stairs to the first roller coaster.” • “We climbed up the stairs to the first roller coaster.”
PUNCTUATION!!! • “This was only the beginning and there were too many things to see the exhibit only lasted one hour. Once we got there we started with the modern art.” • “This was only the beginning, and there were too many things to see. The exhibit only lasted one hour. Once we got there,we started with the modern art.”