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"Recognizing and working with high conflict behaviors in mediation". PRESENTED BY DEBRA DUPREE , MA, LMFT FOR THE ASSOCIATION FOR CONFLICT RESOLUTION WORKPLACE SECTION. Working with Emotional Intensity. What are some key features of high conflict behavior

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recognizing and working with high conflict behaviors in mediation

"Recognizing and working with high conflict behaviors in mediation"

PRESENTED BY DEBRA DUPREE, MA, LMFT

FOR THE

ASSOCIATION FOR CONFLICT RESOLUTION

WORKPLACE SECTION

what we will learn today
What are some key features of high conflict behavior

When and how to interrupt while setting boundaries around emotional venting

How to listen through the moment of emotional intensity

Understanding their Fear-based logic while not getting hooked: using reality testing and indirect confrontations

Creating action plans to establish structure, emphasize their strengths and manage their emotions

Learn and use a four-step process for analyzing situations that employees can take back to the workplace

What we will learn today…

Using CPR

Credibility, Professionalism & Respect

four clusters of personality disorders dsm iv
Four Clusters of Personality Disorders DSM IV
  • Borderline: marked by extreme mood swings, fears of abandonment, frequent anger and manipulative behavior
  • Histrionic: emotionally intense, similar to Borderline but often with less anger and more drama; sometimes fabricates events
  • Narcissistic: extreme preoccupation with self, a disdain for others, and preoccupation with being treated superior
  • Antisocial: extreme disregard for the rules of society, little empathy, and a willingness to hurt others for personal gain
key traits of high conflict personalities
Key Traits of High Conflict Personalities

Borderline

Narcissistic

  • Fear of abandonment
  • Idealistic
  • Devaluation of others
  • Impulsive behavior
  • Suicidal behavior or threats
  • Chronic emptiness
  • Sudden, intense, extreme anger or change in mood
  • Paranoia
  • Lack of empathy
  • Inflated sense of self-importance
  • Demands special treatment
  • Demands admiration
  • Sense of entitlement
  • Exploits relationship
  • Envious
  • Arrogant

OC Mediation Conference 2012

key traits of high conflict personalities1
Key Traits of High Conflict Personalities

Histrionic

Anti-social

  • Demanding of attention
  • Inappropriately seductive or

provocative

  • Physical appearance draws attention
  • Shifting & shallow emotions
  • Dramatic, theatrical & exaggerated
  • Suggestible
  • Believes relationships are deeper than they are
  • Repeated violation of social norms/laws
  • Lying and conning
  • Impulsive and fails to plan ahead
  • Irritable & aggressive
  • Reckless & Irresponsible
  • Lack of remorse
  • Onset of conduct disorder by Age 15

OC Mediation Conference 2012

hcp core features
Lack of self- awareness

Lack of adaptation

HCP CORE FEATURES
  • Why they are the way they are
  • How they contribute to their own problems
  • Or, how to change
        • Aaron Beck (1990)
        • Cognitive Therapy of Personality Disorders
  • Behavior becomes rigidly patterned
  • Social impairment evolves
  • Rigid behavior evokes responses from others that “validate” their inflexible beliefs
        • Efrain Bleiberg (2001)
        • Treating Personality Disorders in Children & Adolescents

OC Mediation Conference 2012

primary fears driving behavior
PRIMARY FEARS DRIVING BEHAVIOR
  • Fear of being wrong / being ignored
  • Fear of losing / being inferior
  • Fear of not being liked / being abandoned
  • Fear of emotional discomfort / being dominated

OC Mediation Conference 2012

high conflict behaviors
High Conflict Behaviors
  • Rigid & Uncompromising
  • Difficulty accepting loss
  • Difficulty healing from loss
  • Emotions dominate thinking
  • Inability to reflect on own behavior
  • Difficulty empathizing with others
  • Preoccupied with blaming others
  • Avoids responsibilityfor the problem or the solution
  • Depends on others to solve problems

OC Mediation Conference 2012

understand the three step cycle of high conflict thinking
Understand the Three-step Cycle of High Conflict Thinking
  • Mistaken Assessment of Danger (M.A.D.)
    • Internal distress that’s perceived as external danger
    • E.g. being abandoned, treated inferior, ignored, dominated
  • Behavior becomes Aggressively Defensive (B.A.D.)
    • HCP “attacks” the perceived source of danger
  • Negative Feedback
    • HCPs perceive ANY feedback as negative
    • HCP then escalates

Bill Eddy, High Conflict Institute

four key issues in managing hcps
Four Key Issues in Managing HCPs
  • Bonding – this is a big issue for HCPs. Pay attention to your relationship – they seek a dependent relationship and agreement with their thinking through a secure relationship and intense emotions.
  • Structure – acknowledge emotion and then focus on tasks . Emotional distresses dominate the HCP, making it hard to think clearly, but they can switch out of these feelings with help. Make lists, gather information, get external help, assign 2-3 things to get done before next meeting.
  • Reality Testing - remain skeptical of the accuracy of their information given their cognitive distortions. Let the HCP know that you may never know the full story but that decisions can be made with what is known!
  • Consequences - HCPs tend not to connect realistic CONSEQUENCES to their own ACTIONS…explore various outcomes, what if no agreement, build consequences into agreement, prepare for breach, address fear of loss.

OC Mediation Conference 2012

common snags in communication
Common Snags in Communication

What’s your snag?

Skillpath Seminars

structuring your listening
Structuring your Listening

ACTIVE LISTENING

Ways to structure your listening skills to listen through the moment of emotional intensity!

Listen for the sounds of the BEACH

Beliefs Expectations Assumptions Concerns Hopes

a five step process to setting boundaries around emotional venting
A Five-Step Process to Setting Boundaries around Emotional Venting

REMEMBER…Listen for the sounds of the BEACH!

paying attention to a person s feelings helps de escalate the venting
Paying attention to a Person’s Feelings helps de-escalate the venting

.

E.A.R Method

Empathy

Attention

Respect

Wm. Eddy “It’s All Your Fault”

what can we do to settle the nervous system down
What can WE do to settle the Nervous System Down
  • De-escalate
  • Tone of Voice
  • Plan ahead
  • Empathize, don’t argue
  • Acknowledge fears
  • Demonstrate respect
  • Adult Time-outs
determine the source of conflict
Determine the Source of Conflict
  • Internal
  • Interpersonal
  • Organizational
what are some likely causes of conflict
What are some likely Causes of Conflict
  • Interdependence
  • Differences in style/personality
  • Differences in background
  • Differences in leadership
managing the situation
Managing the Situation
  • Break things down according to…
    • What do we FACTUALLY know?
    • What EMOTIONS do we have about the situation…how do we feel…how are we impacted?
    • What do we VALUE in this situation, i.e. what is important to us…the other person…the organization?
listening using your e a r
Listening using your E.A.R.

Demonstrate

Empathy

Pay Attention

DisplayRespect

Recognize that it’s easy to become frustratedwith their emotional sensitivity & cognitive distortions

Recognize that it’s easy to get “emotionally hooked” & want to withhold positive responses

Recognize that it’s easy to want revengeand attack or criticize in return

Bill Eddy, High Conflict Institute

c a r s a 4 step process
C.A.R.SA 4-Step Process

1) CONNECT WITH YOUR E.A.R.

2) ANALYZE REALISTIC OPTIONS

3) RESPOND QUICKLY TO MISINFORMATION (IN A NON-THREATENING OR NON- ATTACK MANNER)

4) SET LIMITS ON MISBEHAVIOR

Bill Eddy, Esq. LCSW

ten tips for managing emotional intensity
Ten TIPS for Managing Emotional Intensity
  • Lower expectations for change
  • Listen to highly insistent emotions (w/o getting hooked)
  • Understand their logic is fear-based
  • Focus on tasks – create action plans…next steps
  • Emphasize their strengths
  • Reality Test
  • Use indirect confrontations
  • Educate about consequences
  • Include a positive advocate
  • Make recommendations

Bill Eddy, High Conflict Institute

what to do if you are hooked
What to do if you are “HOOKED”
  • Take a deep breath…or a few
  • Take an adult time-out
  • Acknowledge their concerns…arrange to meet at another time to resume discussion
  • Go to the balcony…get some perspective
  • Reach back out…focus on behavior, not the person
  • Use “I” language…not “You” language
  • Remember…the “issue” is not the “issue”…the “issue” is the behavior being demonstrated
recognizing and working with the high conflict personality in mediation

"Recognizing and working with the high conflict personality in mediation"

CONCLUSION

USE IT OR LOSE IT!

WHAT’S ONE THING YOU LEARNED TODAY THAT YOU WILL LEAVE THIS CLASSROOM & TAKE ACTION ON?

slide27

It’s not YOU…it’s ME!Taking responsibility for effective communication & conflict management at work & at home

PRESENTED BY DEBRA DUPREE, MA, MFT

1-800-743-1973

WWW.RELATIONSHIPSTHATMATTER.COM

“I GO LOOKING FOR TROUBLE!”

PROVIDING SOLUTIONS THROUGHCOACHING, GROUP FACILITATION, MEDIATION & TRAINING

THANK YOU!

resources
Resources

Eddy, William, http://www.highconflictinstitute.com

Grant, B., et al, Journal of Clinical Psychiatry, 7/2004, 4/2008, 7/2008.

Kvols, K.J. Redirecting Children’s Behavior

McIntosh, J., et al, Family Court Review 1/2008.

National Institute of Health (NIH), 2002 and 2008.

National Institute on Alcohol Abuse & Alcoholism (NIAAA).

Skillpath Seminars

OC Mediation Conference 2012