Under Siege – Sex Today

1. Under Siege – Sex Today Helping Brothers Get Free 2008

2. The Pastoral Approach Talks 1. Standard help for the area 2. Helping young men get free

3. What can we do? • Teach about it. • Discuss it in pastoral care and get them to use the normal helps well. • Help someone work out of it.

4. When to Invest • Work with some of the brothers who are (should be) leaders. • It takes time. • It won’t help unless they are ready. • Let the others use the normal means – with an occasional pastoral discussion. • Do more if you can. • Do not try to do more than you are capable of. Sometimes get someone else to help. • There is a risk to failing — they lose hope.

5. Assess the Situation • Are they ready? • Do they want to change? • Do they need to make more basic changes (discipline, stress, etc.) before they can make progress?

6. Timing • Wait until they are ready to work for a change. Only “weigh in” when you are confident they can change. • Most need FC2 foundations first. • If they cannot get enough help: give gentle encouragement, especially not to be hopeless, too guilty, cut off from God. • If they are generally under stress or anxious or seriously undisciplined, do not try much. • Work on those things first.

7. Problems Caused to Leaders • It undermines their confidence – at times very seriously. • It can make them feel hypocritical. • It can distance them from God. • It keeps them from considering living single (if they should do it).

8. The Habit Dynamic • Nowadays it is a normal adolescent stage that lasts into the twenties. • For all of them, it is a habit. • Recognizing that helps. • “I don’t have to, but I am going to.”

9. The Habit Dynamic • They have to break the habit. • The less often it happens, and the longer between each event, the weaker the habit will be. • Do not focus on avoiding particular wrong actions, but on doing the right things to break the habit. • Help them to keep the habit from “clicking in” (they need to anticipate the problem). • “Addiction” not so helpful a term – for most.

10. The Course of the Habit #1 Domination (daily or more or almost) #2 Half-free (about weekly or when something happens — temptation, stress) #3 Free with occasional falls #4 Will never masturbate or go for porn (an opposite habit)

11. Hope • Usually hope is more needed than repentance. • Build their confidence. • Do not mainly console them. • If they are past stage #1, they can attain the rest. • Do not tell them there will be a change until you are confident you can get it to happen.

12. Hope • They can get free, and you can say that with care. • Warning: they may have something wrong psychologically and so cannot. • Be careful with kids of divorced families. • You: do not lose hope when there is no progress for stretches of time.

13. The Value of Authority • Once you get enough experience, you can tell them they personally can change – if you are confident they can. • The older you are, the better.

14. Be “clinical” • Never express shock. • Ask them about it concretely. • Objectifying it helps them. • Remember it is usually painful for them. • Don’t let them be vague. • “When was the last time?” • “How many times?” • “You mean you…”

15. Be clinical • Ask them what got them to do it. • Unless they are in stage #1, it is not just sexual desire or sexual pressure. • You probably need some past history.

16. Two Strategies • Cold turkey • Most cannot do this in stage 1. • Do not try it more than once. • Slow progress • Remind them that they are making progress.

17. Ask regularly • It is motivating. • You are a coach. • You can keep their heads clear. • You need to encourage them regularly.

18. “Bouts” • When people are in stage 2, it often happens in “bouts”. • The goal is to lengthen the time between each bout, not necessarily reduce the number of times per bout. • Help them figure out how to stop a bout.

19. Speaking to Them • Repeat the basic truths they need to hear. • Be alert to whether they understand the basic truths (the principles) – use the checklist for yourself. • Keep returning to the points in the strategy until they become instinctive. • Apply the tactics as you figure out what is needed.

20. Exhort Them Personally • Help them keep their heads straight. • Remind them where they are. • Be as encouraging as you can but don’t lie. • Tell them they do not lose your respect because of it (the problem is common). • Address the guilt area — try not to let them be more guilty than necessary or let them get distant from God.

21. Prayer • Pray with them, maybe each time. • See if you can get spiritual input for them. • Try to discern the work of evil spirits.

22. Guard Yourself • What can you handle? Perhaps you should not do much. • Only ask for details that you need. • Unfortunately, you need many for assessment. • Report to your supervisor (do not tell him about the brother’s sin unless you need to to get help).

23. Success • With patience you can have a high success rate. • Partial success is still success, but many can become free.