Celibacy is addressed first:

1. Celibacy is addressed first: 1. Ministry Effectiveness 2. Consider the times 3. A wrong ascetic view

2. Four Principles of intimacy in marriage: • Monogamy 7:2 • Give your spouse the intimacy they desire v.3 • You are not free to meet your own needs for intimacy. V.4 • Withholding intimacy is cruel and sinful v.5

3. Welcome to: Dinner for two Where you feed me And I feed you.

4. Sermon Notes- 1 Corinthians 7:1-9 You were made for the Lord! Paul’s overriding thought going back to 6:12-13 is that you were made for the Lord and the Lord for the body!  Never lose sight of this.  However, sexual desire is strong within men and women.  Some will find that they are not content to be friends with the opposite sex, instead they desire deeper and deeper intimacy to the point that it becomes a distraction that is making them ineffective as God’s servant, and or tempting them to commit fornication. ·Read 7:9, 34-36 Celibacy v.7:1 Paul’s begins this section with a statement affirming celibacy.  Throughout the passage several reasons emerge. A.  Ministry effectiveness ·Read 7:7-8 ·Read 7:32-33 B.  Consider the times “good” ·Read 7:29-31 oThe word “good” does not have a moral connotation here that would be the word (agathos) which has to do with something that is good in its very nature (ie. God is good), whereas (kalon) has do with something that is well adapted to its circumstances (ie.  Hiking shoes are well adapted to their circumstances but they probably will not go well with a prom dress)![1]

5. § “Another matter in the background of the question and in especially Paul’s answer, was the character of the times.  The near return of Christ was still a lively hope in the church.  On the other hand, Paul sensed that severe trials were on the way.  Nero had recently been proclaimed emperor (A.D. 54).  Within ten years the terrible Neronic persecution against the church would break out (A.D. 64), and while, as yet, there were few outward signs of Nero’s unbridled wickedness, a man as naturally astute and as spiritually alert as Paul might well have had a foreboding of trouble to come.  When the terror leaped upon the church in all its ferocity, it would be well indeed to be wifeless and childless.  Jesus had said much the same (Mt. 24:19)[2] oPhilips continues by making the converse point, that what if Amram and Jochabed had refrained from being married or having children simply because of the severity of the times?  The world would have been deprived of Moses! Some ascetics may have been teaching celibacy for all:  The immediate context is to quell ridiculous ideas about ascetics who viewed sex as somehow unholy.  C.  Introduce and address a wrong ascetic view of celibacy ·The statement here likely reflects a quotation from the letter they wrote to him.[3] ·Celibacy is good if it is the gift that God has given you (7:7), but in terms of married people celibacy has no part of marriage.  The ascetics were probably putting pressure on married people to become celibate as if it were somehow the higher road. 

6. Transition into Sermon: Paul’s writing in 7:2-5 is to help married people understand the proper place of intimacy[4] in marriage.  He likely does this to correct the wrong view portrayed by zealous ascetics who were teaching celibacy for all.  While at the same time encouraging celibacy as good and fitting to the times in which they are living if they can bear it. ·Saved or unsaved, you show me a man and a woman who are satisfied in their intimacy within the marriage and I’ll show you a productive, healthy, optimistic, vibrant individual.  On the contrary, you show me a couple that is struggling in intimacy and you will find a distracted, tired, discouraged individual.  What we have to say this morning is important for those of us who have chosen marriage.  The oneness that God has intended for married couples finds its fullest expression in sexual intimacy.  A struggle at that central level has a major, not a minor affect on the marriage.  What he says here is simple, but very significant. Four principles of intimacy in marriage 1.  Monogamy 7:2 ·Each man (who must get married) is to have one wife, and each woman (who must get married) is to have one husband. ·Monogamy is the answer to so many of the world’s problems.  It is the answer to the spread of sexually transmitted disease, it is the safe guard against unwanted pregnancy, it is the bedrock of a stable home environment.

7. ·Monogamy is not one at a time, monogamy is one for life. ·You’ll note on the heels of chapter 6 he also includes that marriage is a safe guard against fornication! ·Monogamy means commitment.  It means that you can trust me, I’m not going anywhere, I’m here to endure whatever comes our way.  Monogamy means that you have forsaken all others and you have fled to this one and only this one.  Monogamy 1.  Give your spouse the intimacy they desire v.3 Let’s face it, I loved Jessica before we were married, and I enjoyed spending time with her, and she was a lot of fun to be around, and she laughed at my jokes, but there were lots of girls like this, but as we spent more and more time together, I wanted to be more than just friends, and as we moved deeper and deeper in commitment it was obvious that deep intimacy was building between us.  Intimacy that could not be expressed without a wedding.  If all we wanted was a good friendship and companionship, then no wedding was necessary, but there’s more to it than that!  Intimacy is what makes your relationship with your spouse different than every other relationship you have.  Present imperative…the command is to give not get! ·Statistically studies show that even among Christian marriages, the bedroom is not a bonfire of intimacy and both men and women are saying, I did not sign up for this, but there’s no way out.  If I seek intimacy outside my marriage I sin, if I leave my spouse I sin, but if I stay I’m miserable because my needs go unmet.

8. Different but complimentary! God made them male and female. (Gen. 1:27) ·Read excerpt from separate sheet. ·It is only logical that this difference extends even to the way we process intimacy. ·I do not have one specific verse to tie these thoughts to, however, experience and research by others who have counseled thousands of miserably married couples reveals that there is some basic truth to what I’m about to share.  oHis needs Her needs oMen are from mars women are from Venus oSex begins in the kitchen.  oPintus and Dillow wrote a book entitled Intimacy ignited which is an exposition of Song of Solomon and within the scope of their study they came to many of the same conclusions rooted generally from within the text of Song of Solomon. ·There are always exceptions to generalizations, but when there is this much consensus there are generally some truth principles that are valuable to learn. Woman’s intimacy triangle Relational…is he on my team… Emotional…does he appreciate me… Physical…the response from sensing relational and emotional connectedness! Man’s intimacy triangle Physical...is she on my team, does she appreciate me, does she respect me Emotional…He feels loved and respected Relational…He feels close and secure

9. Here’s the Point: 1.  There are significant differences between the ways men and women process intimacy. 2.  If you ignore these differences, you are not rendering/giving your spouse his/her needs, you are not respecting them nor their creator who has made them different but complimentary to you. 3.  If it is your job to give and not get, then you must know how your spouse processes intimacy. Persisting to fulfill his/her needs in a way that is familiar to you is like giving them a gift that is obviously self-serving.  Ie. Gee honey, that’s a nice guitar, only I don’t play guitar. 4.  Each has to learn how to appreciate and love the other in a way that will likely be foreign to them. ·So ought men to love their wives as they love their own bodies, he who loves his wife loves himself.  God argues for the husband’s selflessness on the basis of his selfishness.  What you really want is a wife who desires and satisfies your need for intimacy…you can have this, but it’s gonna cost you.  You’re gonna have to turn your attention to her in ways that you typically turn toward yourself, but trust me, you’ll like the outcome. I think that’s what the passage is saying (Eph. 5:28) oWe used to do this back when we were dating/courting.  She’s wondering where that guy went!

10. §Many women feel defrauded.  They feel used and abused because their husbands have failed to recognize core differences in how many women experience intimacy and they have a very male approach to giving intimacy to their wives.  It’s not that they don’t want intimacy, they just want it on their terms not yours!  This is how God made them, it’s not an affront to your masculinity, it’s that God has made them different by design!  They are complimentary…the sooner you recognize this and with purity in your heart begin going after her heart.  You must render that is give. §Many men feel defrauded.  They feel neglected and abandoned because their wives have failed to recognize core differences in how many men ex 3.  You are not free to meet your own needs for intimacy v.4 Headship is clearly taught in the Bible, however as it relates to intimacy, this verse makes it clear that in this category the husband and wife are on equal/mutual footing.  There is no bedroom boss.  The verse indicates that whatever is true of the husband is also true of the wife.  Therefore, they are equals in the bedroom. On your wedding day, you take the intimacy category of your life and you entrust that to your spouse.  From that day forward, you are not permitted to take care of your own needs.  You get them from your spouse, or you do not get them at all! Marriage is risky because of this.  Each other’s needs for intimacy must, must, must be met by the other person, or those needs must remain unmet!  Which is why the imperative in v.3 is so important.  You are to present, active indicatively give intimacy to your spouse.

11. The key to understanding the intent of this verse is in asking the right question of the text.  If we ask the question what does it mean for a husband to have authority over his wife, we can arrive at some very abusive and irrational conclusions, This verse delivers it’s powerful message when you ask this question: What does it look like when one partner takes authority over their own body? What does it look like when a husband takes authority over his own body?  Ans. He takes it upon himself to fulfill his own needs.  This is manifested in many ways: domineering attitude toward his wife demanding of her (which only further alienates her) or withholds from his wife, pornography, flirtatious with other women.  What does it look like when a wife takes authority over her own body?  Ans. She takes it upon herself to fulfill her own needs for intimacy.  This is manifested in many ways:  Withholds from her husband or seeks to dominate, reading romance novels, fantasizing, seeking the attention of other men… Application: Communication is so, so, so important especially given the significant differences between men and women, there are things about my wife that even after 13 years of marriage I still feel like I’m fighting in the dark…We’ve affectionately named emotional needs the big, ugly, green monster in the room.  I can’t see it, I don’t know what it looks like, but it is there it is real and my wife knows it all too well.  It is not an exaggeration to say that she has probably had to remind me and communicate with me about her emotional needs as it relates to intimacy 100 times.  But we haven’t given up! Transition: which leads us to Paul’s next point.

12. 4.  Withholding intimacy is cruel and sinful v.5 • Because your marriage partner is not at liberty to feed themselves, for one party to decide that they are no longer going to render is cruelty. • “Defraud not one another” • To defraud is to rob, deprive, bereft (lonely and abandoned) • Deprivation is cruelty because it’s like having the ability to give someone something they desperately need, but then choosing not to give it to them. • This is a present, imperative, active…meaning that you must take it upon yourself to make sure that you are not leaving your spouse robbed of the blessing of intimacy within your marriage. • This is a two way street: it applies equally to men and women…remember the sexes are very different as it relates to how they process intimacy. • Except it be with consent: • Consent means communication • For short occasions demanding your undivided attention such as prayer and fasting.  • But then come together again lest Satan tempt you.  Tempt you how:  • To take authority back from your spouse • To look outside the marriage

13. Summary: Illustration: For this sermon, I set a table very fancy and sophisticated on one side, and very plain and simple on the other.   I used the table as an opportunity to monologue about the four principles developed during the message as well as some broader applications that could not be adequately dealt with in the diverse audience without being under the veil of an illustration:  We likened intimacy to eating…Dinner for two where you feed me and I feed you. The following points were illustrated using the props: 1.  The differences between us begin as curiosities, but over time tend to become a point of conflict and eventually a matter of disrespect.  One key difference to really major on is the simplicity and regularity of the one side, vs. the complexity and savoring every bite on the other.  To one, quantity is important to the other quality is important.  To one it is a wholistic experience, to the other it boils down to eating. 2.  When we get into a getting mentality instead of a giving mentality we begin to give the other as we would like to receive instead of giving like they would like to receive.  We do this because what the other likes and prefers does not make sense to us so we feed them on our terms resulting in two different outcomes: The woman is starved of intimacy, and it results in a loss of appetite.  Whereas just the opposite is true for the man, he is starved, and as a result his hunger goes into overdrive.

14. 3.  Those who are doing well in intimacy are those who have learned to give on their partners terms, not theirs.  This is a two way street.  Men must understand that for most women, intimacy is a much more holistic experience that extends throughout the day, and they crave that attention in many other ways than just in the bedroom, in fact if the only place they receive attention is in the bedroom many will feel like a sex object and avoid sex altogether.  On the other hand, women need to understand that for many men, the act itself is primary to everything else which means that his regularity and desire for aggressiveness will be very different than what she desires. I illustrate this with pyramids one is right side up the other upside down with these categories: relational, emotional, physical, the man is physical, relational, emotional.  They work in exactly the opposite direction. 4.  The final point I want to illustrate is the cruelty of not feeding your spouse when the ability is right there in front of them. At times in the illustration: I popped into character as if I were the husband or the wife playing out sensitive sections of the script that is saved in this file folder. [1] Philipps pg. 140 [2] Ibid. [3] Blomberg pg. 132 Some scholars believe that the opening statement is a direct quote from their letter.  Origen A.D. 200 was one of the first to uphold this view and many scholars since then have taken this view as well. [4] I am choosing to use the word intimacy for two reasons: First, given the audience it’s a more comfortable word.  Second, intimacy is far more inclusive than sex.  Intimacy covers a wide range of actions and attitudes and touches that are not sex in themselves, but are certainly way out of line for another man or woman to do toward a married man or woman.