Group six Nikki, Ian, Deanna, Brody Wordiness
What is wordiness? • Wordiness is the overuse of unnecessary words that create confusion for readers. • Too many words distract readers and draw away from the original topic, kind of like pink text. • Wordiness also wastes time for the reader and writer.
Avoiding wordiness • Be straightforward • Avoid using wordy phrases • Avoid unnecessary words • Steer clear of redundancies
Example 1 • In accordance with your request, we have taken into consideration that there is a need for new employees in your department. • We have considered your request for new employees in your department.
Example 2 • The head office has deemed it necessary to terminate the program. • The head office has decided to end the program.
Example 3 • “No enterprise is more likely to succeed than one concealed from the enemy until it is ripe for execution.” • Niccolo Machiavelli • An idea is more likely to succeed when the enemy doesn’t know about it.
Example 4 • It has come to our understanding that we are not in a position to undertake such a demanding endeavor. • We understand that we cannot perform this task.
Example 5 • As a matter of fact there is a need for monetary compensation prior to performance of the service. • You must pay for the service before it is completed.
Example 6 • With respect to your earlier request we must decline as we do not have the required resources at this time. • We do not currently have the resources to fulfill your request.
Example 7 • Pursuant to our conversation on the 12th, the documents will be sent by electronic mail before the conclusion of the week. • As we discussed, the documents will be sent by e-mail before the end of the week.
Example Paragraph • Although the average egg looks innocent enough, it can harbor dangerous food borne bacteria. Salmonella enteritidis is the bacteria that can invade eggs in several ways. It is not passed hen to hen but usually from rodent droppings to chickens. Egg shells can be contaminated by fecal matter. It comes from the intestines and feces of infected animals including chickens. It can be passed to the egg shell when the chickens sit on the eggs. Salmonellosis (an infection caused by salmonella bacteria) can also be passed to eggs when the ovaries of chickens silently harbor the salmonella bacteria. Then, the eggs are contaminated while inside the chicken, before the shells are even formed. Because of the recent alarm about egg recalls, the public has learned that USDA inspectors don’t check hen houses or look into farms’ salmonella prevention programs, such as inoculation. Recent inspections of egg farms have brought attention to the numerous rodent holes in the chicken farms. Rodent holes are a sign that mice have entered the buildings and infecting hens with salmonella. Eggs are washed and disinfected to deal with the dirt and germs on the shells. Many farmers inoculate the hens, but salmonella contamination in eggs is not prevented entirely by this method.
Example Paragraph • Recent alarms about egg recalls informed the public that some USDA inspectors fail to check farms’ hen houses for salmonella prevention programs and inoculation processes. Further inspections of egg farms brought attention to the numerous rodent holes in the chicken farms. Rodent holes show that carriers like mice enter buildings, infecting hens with salmonella. Salmonella derives from the intestines and feces of infected animals like rodents and chickens. The bacteria Salmonella enteritidis invades eggs in several ways. Chickens may pass salmonella to eggs shells through their fecal matter by sitting on the nest. Chickens harboring the salmonella bacteria in their ovaries infect eggs before shells form. Many farmers inoculate the hens, but inoculations do not entirely prevent salmonella from contaminating eggs. Farmers and consumers should wash and disinfect eggs to eliminate the dirt and germs on the shells. Although an egg looks clean, it can harbor dangerous food borne bacteria.