Book Discussion : Difficult Conversations Presented by Hatem Kamal

1. Book Discussion : Difficult Conversations Presented by Hatem Kamal HOLOL EGYPT & CBEXCEL

2. Anne Dickson? Does the name ring a bell? It could if you have by any chance read any of the books she wrote ( A woman in your Own Right, The Mirror Within ,New look at sexuality, Women at Work) or you have been exposed to her way of thinking which is primarily concerned with human relations as intricate and interwoven as these may be. HOLOL EGYPT & CBEXCEL

3. Well ,the topic of this book is no exception - In the introduction of the book Anne Dickson comes across to us, readers, as one of those who believe that we- meaning individuals or organizations or individuals representing organizations have recently developed and even embraced quite abusive behavior towards each other . Is this true? - What do you think the most abusive behaviors for that matter? Money? Medication? HOLOL EGYPT & CBEXCEL

4. Actually examples of these are abound - Contracts being terminated by e-mails, or by SMSs; employees being terminated while away on holidays, or their stuff put together in bin bags so that they come and pick them up and just go away in silence not stirring too much fuss. - Does this sound familiar ? Any incidents that happened recently that you were personally involved in or a witness to? HOLOL EGYPT & CBEXCEL

5. Any good reason for this? I mean for the abusive and discourteous behavior? - The reason as the author chose to put it is “ the avoidance of directness which has become an established custom not only in the workplace but in our personal lives as well. - It’s one of the stumbling blocks to any possibility of establishing clear communication in all our relationships.” HOLOL EGYPT & CBEXCEL

6. So do we really feel afraid of being direct? -This is the case, I’m afraid, because according to Anne Dickson we feel “awkward” or “uncomfortable” when it comes to telling others what we think of them or of some situations so as not to make a scene or hurt their feelings or whatever any other reason and you know what ? - We may avoid the scene thing if lucky enough but in all cases we end up ------------------------------------------------------------ HOLOL EGYPT & CBEXCEL

7. Examples are so many and can’t beoverlooked because they are very much there according to the author “ Doctors are often only able to inform patients of a terminal condition in a clumsy and insensitive manner; managers give employees structured criticism of their performance unaware that their manner has a hurtful and devastating effect..I’ve witnessed many individuals criticizing their partners, parents, children or friends with condescension or superiority and then amazed and horrified at the aggressive response that comes back at them” HOLOL EGYPT & CBEXCEL

8. So if such is the case what are we supposed to do? How can we keep a civilized conversation from degenerating into a fight? - Well according to Anne Dickson we have 2 options: One option : We could keep quiet about it , pretend it never happened, bury our heads in the sand, deny what’s going on, sweep everything under the carpet, and wish it would go away. HOLOL EGYPT & CBEXCEL

9. Another option which is more appealing - Learn another different kind of communication that is based on believing in equality with others and that we need to be honest with others without being offensive or abusive, expressing difference of opinion without getting into heated argument, get others to cooperate more and get the results we’re seeking. HOLOL EGYPT & CBEXCEL

10. But how can we bring about the second option if you find it as appealing as Anne Dickson find it? How can we make it happen? - Well first we have to challenge our traditional ways , habits and assumptions about how we perceive or deal with others, a change of mind frame, of perceived images about others. - And second we have to go through this book to find out more about this. HOLOL EGYPT & CBEXCEL

11. Maybe we should have mentioned this earlier The book falls in 3 parts - Part 1 is entitled “Theory” whereas the second part is entitled “ Practice” and finally the third part is “ The way forward” . - Well the structure is pretty much telling I guess of what to expect? Right? A good example of this is Chapter 1 which is entitled “Will I win or will I lose?” - Any idea about the answer to this question or what is the question about in the first place? HOLOL EGYPT & CBEXCEL

12. Anne Dickson sort of answers this question by - A bundle of more and more questions, questions that go through our minds whenever we’re about to handle others and communicate with them, criticize them or comment on what they said in delicate or critical situations - Questions such as : Will it possibly work? Will they listen? What will they think of me? Am I opening a can of worms by saying this? Am I jeopardizing my chances of reconciliation? HOLOL EGYPT & CBEXCEL

13. Typically these are the questions of somebody anticipating conflict and trouble ahead. Actually the above-mentioned questions if anything they reflect –according to Anne Dickson – the following concerns • I’ll get in trouble if I say this • I can’t say this to the boss • It’ll get really nasty • There’ll be dire consequences to pay Can you add some more of your own? • --------------------------------- HOLOL EGYPT & CBEXCEL

14. Then we’re introduced in the same chapter to the concept of Sledgehammer. - According to Anne Dickson “It’s basically the “hit and run” strategy” . In other words you give it to them when they least expect it . It doesn’t have to make a lot of noise. It doesn’t have to draw attention. - A good example of this is when you to remove someone’s desk to indicate that he/she is no longer employed in the place. I can’t imagine of something more violent yet so noiseless . Reminds me of “killing me softly” though in negative sense here. - How about you? Any incidents in which you were subject to the Sledgehammer or being the Sledgehammer yourself? HOLOL EGYPT & CBEXCEL

15. Then we’re introduced to the concept that has to exist by default in response to the concept of Sledgehammer and usually precedes it - Anne Dickson calls it “Pussyfoot” which boils down basically to the well-known practice of tiptoeing around delicate and critical situations, dropping hints , making allusions whenever possible and hope fervently that the other person will get the hints and allusions and save the trouble of a confrontation… - Actually the flipside of the coin here is the accumulation associated if others fail to get your hints and resolutions. - Does this sound familiar? Any incidents that happened to you personally in which you were a witness to this? HOLOL EGYPT & CBEXCEL

16. Then we move on to chapter 2 in which we are introduced to the concept of power or more specifically “Perpendicular Power” Anne Dickson likens it to a ladder in which our position is defined by how much perpendicular power we possess over others “Perpendicular Power” stems from the following sources: Legitimate power, resources, expertise and charisma. HOLOL EGYPT & CBEXCEL

17. But what’s wrong with this kind of ladder? - Well according to the author looking from your position up the ladder down to others, you intuitively prepare for a battle ahead in which you seek to assert yourself because others will definitely assert themselves . - Then Anne Dickson poses the question : What happens when we want to ask someone to change his or her behavior and we only have perpendicular power as a reference point? (Maggie & Rick Conversation) HOLOL EGYPT & CBEXCEL

18. Is it then the wish or the desire to prevail over others and win, taking resort in our perpendicular power that triggers off most confrontations? - The author gives us the answer to this question which is pretty much the answer that each of us is likely to come up with now that we have become familiar with the author thinking “ To this end, we build up in our minds an armor of superiority to withstand any counterattack from the other person. - When we feel ‘justified’ in our criticism it means we have sufficient weaponry on our side and unfortunately this means that we don’t listen to the other person’s point of view.” HOLOL EGYPT & CBEXCEL

19. In chapter 3 the author tries to put the Perpendicular Power in perspective - She draws our attention to the fact that there’s nothing inherently wrong with ladders and perpendicular power concept but we should try to understand how the concept functions and how you maybe today up the ladder because of your expertise as much as this expertise is in demand. - Along these lines Anne Dickson wrote : ‘ Acknowledging the temporary nature of this kind of power, you can learn to let go of it when you have to. The permanent insecurity of moving up or down the ladder makes it hard to relinquish this power gracefully. This is why we often try to hold on, being rigidly authoritarian, waging wars, having cosmetic surgeries, engaging in dishonest and criminal practices, because the need to cling to wealth and position and status and significance is so great’ . - Wow! What do you think of this? HOLOL EGYPT & CBEXCEL

20. Then in chapter 4 we’re introduced to the “ Personal power” concept. - Personal power as defined by the author is this kind of power you have that comes from within and doesn’t owe its existence to anything external as is the case with “Perpendicular Power”. - The author tells us that this kind of power is “independent of rank, status, class, achievement, education, gender, background, expertise, health, wealth or even age” - Now am not so sure what kind of power will that be without any of these? Any ideas , suggestions? HOLOL EGYPT & CBEXCEL

21. Well it’s this kind of power that is best represented as a continuum rather than a ladder. -And as the word “continuum” suggests we’re here talking about continuity, consistency, or the best word that represents this kind of power according to Anne Dickson is “ Congruence” as this “word describes a consistency of being, an agreement between what you feel and what you say and how you behave” - And so for many of us this would be mistaken for confidence or self-esteem and it wouldn’t be such a big mistake if only we can understand that such confidence and self-esteem are not derived from your status on the ladder. - It’s this kind of self esteem that’s remotely connected to aggression to get and pursue what you want or denial which entails denying your frailties and acknowledging only strengths. Actually the features of such personal power are: balance, emotional awareness, and integrity. HOLOL EGYPT & CBEXCEL

22. In chapter 5 the author urges us to kick the habit of aggression as it’s the mother of all sins. - Her argument in this respect is simple: You don’t have to be aggressive to win and you don’t have to win all the time or lose all the time. - To achieve this you have to combine both kinds of power and definitely let go of the long-standing habit of aggression. - But then how can we do that when aggression is everywhere and we encourage and reward it as a culture under other pseudonyms such as “self assertion” HOLOL EGYPT & CBEXCEL

23. According to Anne Dickson the answer to this question is simple: - We have to sever the link between anxiety and aggression or else we’ll keep getting more of the same. - Anxiety here is synonymous with the fear of losing to others, losing face, coming across as vulnerable and all this is a propeller towards aggression. - And guess what! Aggression breeds more aggression and rigidity which comes hand in hand with Perpendicular Power breeds more and more rigidity. HOLOL EGYPT & CBEXCEL

24. In chapter 6 the author urges us to pose three questions that she thinks will get us through any situation that we feel uneasy about - What’s happening? It’s very important to depict exactly in accurate terms what’s really happening and that would be basically by separating the person from the behavior while avoiding labeling the person involved. - What do you feel about it? And this is equally important in the sense that so many of us mistake what do we feel about for what we think about it and that stems from a deep-seated conviction that emotion is much inferior to reason . (Understanding the importance of feelings and different view P 37-38) - What do you want to be different? This is kind of acid test because according to the author it transforms a mere complaint ( what do you do and how I feel about it) into a constructive comment or request that is actionable. Any examples off the top of your head? (Cartoon P.49) HOLOL EGYPT & CBEXCEL

25. One more time the idea of balancing“personal power” with “perpendicular power” is reiterated in chapter 7. - One time and again Anne Dickson points out the nature of “perpendicular power” and how it easily fosters exploitation, abuse and oppression yet it’s inevitable. - If it has to be there and we don’t have to split the two powers into good or bad but rather discipline a “ perpendicular power” when it gets out of control with the principles of “personal power” Antonnia & Ingrid Maggie & Rick HOLOL EGYPT & CBEXCEL

26. Part 2, chapter 8 opens with the need to commit theory to practice - Throughout the chapter the author emphasizes the fact that setting time to discuss issues that gave rise to unpleasant situations is all what we need to do in order to prevent the recurrence of these situations in the future . - To achieve this she suggests: “ Given that you know that you’ll be anxious you have to give yourself the best chance possible of communicating from a clear base . You can chose when to speak up” - It’s kind of preemptive strategy wouldn’t you say? Let’s have a look at these examples of Sally & Rebecca HOLOL EGYPT & CBEXCEL

27. Then we move on to chapter 9 which is entitled “ talking it through” This chapter is all practice giving examples of ineffective communication and detecting what’s wrong to in order to know how to initiate and close conversations effectively, stating ultimately what’s on your mind. Sally & Pete , Rebecca & Mum ( P67,68,69) HOLOL EGYPT & CBEXCEL

28. In chapter 10 which is entitled “letting go of the need to blame” Anne Dickson tells us that - To keep blaming others for anything negative that happens without acknowledging your part in this is a quick recipe for more and more fights to follow and more recriminations. - Unfortunately putting the blame on others is tempting enough . By doing this according to the writer we’re simply “ignoring the obvious truth that any interactive pattern takes two to construct. We manage to convince ourselves that if only the other person were more reasonable, more efficient, more amenable, less touchy then our problems will simply disappear” More practice with Rosie & Ian, Martin & Karen (P82,83, 84) HOLOL EGYPT & CBEXCEL

29. In chapter 11 the writer urges us to speak up our minds so that we don’t set others up for disappointment. By speaking up she means giving due notice and not just dropping hints or muttering words of protest under breath or sighs that show discontent because chances are that others will not get them. And if they do they may just ignore them (Cartoon P 94 and more practice on avoiding the pitfalls of ineffective conversations). HOLOL EGYPT & CBEXCEL

30. But then how can we handle authority at work? - By authority here we mean this kind of authority that gives you bad news by leaking them to you or disappearing altogether when the news are passed around. - This kind of authority that cheats you out of your right to express your discomfort or anger or even mild annoyance at what happened. This is exactly what Anne Dickson calls “oppression in relationships” - According to her it is a classic opportunity of “hit & run” There’s invaluable lesson to learn from the story of “ Ben & the team” HOLOL EGYPT & CBEXCEL

31. In chapter 13 the author advises us to stop viewing others as natural enemies and start viewing them as equals. - This will in turn put a pressure on others to comply with your wishes “once you stop seeing someone as an enemy, they stop behaving like one” The story of Kate & her neighbor is a telling proof (117, 118, 119) - Treating others as equals actually starts by putting ourselves in their shoes and to bear in mind that “ none of us listens when threatened or attacked or patronized or made to feel inferior. Our eyes and ears close down as we go into survival mode” HOLOL EGYPT & CBEXCEL

32. Chapter 14 &15 are again stressing the need to speak up and live with the consequences - Anne Dickson in these 2 chapters urge us to consider the consequences before speaking up but not allowing them to hold us back though - One time and again she’s urging us to have our eyes set on the “bottom line” and how to get there using the “What’s happening, how do I feel about it and what’s it that I want to be different” coupled with “Does it matter if nothing changes, deep down can I get along with the situation?” - And so in other words speaking up someone’s mind shouldn’t occur in vacuum. It should happen to serve a certain purpose and not quit until the purpose is served. HOLOL EGYPT & CBEXCEL

33. This is best complemented with the technique that the author mentions in Chapter 18 The technique is simply entitled “One Small Step” and it’s intended for ‘nightmarish situations’ that we may find ourselves stuck in. It’s these situations that may be full of so many things or incidents to complain about and you feel ‘so powerless dealing with them’ And so the best way to get started dealing with such situations is according to Anne Dickson “one pebble, one small thing you can change” P.174 , 175 HOLOL EGYPT & CBEXCEL

34. And so to conclude : • --------------------- • ----------------------- • ------------------------- • -------------------------- • ------------------------------- • ---------------------------------- • ---------------- HOLOL EGYPT & CBEXCEL