The spirit of Marriage

goodness- faithfulness The spirit of Marriage

Fixing ME Fixes US: • Because I can’t fix you- I can’t control you • Because I can Influence you- not control • Because I can work on me • Because working on me often leads to change in the marriage- not a guarantee- a greater probability • Because I am a better person and a happier person regardless of your change The spirit of Marriage

Fixing ME Fixes US: Because these are my options: I can blame you & try to change you- which leads to living in discontent on a path that leads to divorce I can work on me … which often leads to Influencing you... which often leads to a better marriage There is no “I am going to change you” option here… that never works The spirit of Marriage

I. Defining Goodness 1. The person who displays goodness is not like the person who is simply just -The person who is simply just gives only to another what he has earned -Whereas the person who is good is generous to give what was not deserved 2. The person who displays goodness is not like the person who is evil -The person who is evil begrudges everything he has to give -The person who is good is open-hearted and open-handed, generous. It has been said that goodness "is easier to recognize than to define".

“Good Teacher, what must I do to inherit eternal life?” 19 And Jesus said to him, “Why do you call me good? No one is good except God alone. (Luke 18:18-19 ESV). I. Defining Goodness: Not Innate Goodness

I-a. Examples of Goodness • Barnabas Was A "Good" Man (Acts 11:24) • Generous with his possessions (Acts 4:32-37- generous to give to others what is not deserved) • Happy to see the progress of others; he was not envious (Acts 11:23- not begrudging another's success) • An encourager to others (Acts 11:23-Acts 4:36- Liberal with good words)

I-b. Examples of Goodness • Dorcas Was A "Good" Woman Acts 9:36 • She was "full of good works and charitable deeds" • Even in her death, her goodness was being felt • a. Ac 9:39, where the widows were showing tunics and garments she had made • b. I doubt they were praising her ability to sew, but rather her charity in making such clothes for others (such as the widows)

I-c. Goodness: has something to do with… • My Deeds • My Heart • My Life • Maybe Best Summed Up As: • “An Admirable Life of Productive Generosity”

POINT 1 Developing Goodness in Me… Enhances My Marriage

II. Faithfulness as seen in… Deuteronomy 7:9-10 "Know therefore that the LORD your God, He is God, the faithful God, who keeps His covenant and His loving-kindness to a thousandth generation with those who love Him and keep His commandments; but repays those who hate Him to their faces, to destroy them; He will not delay with him who hates Him, He will repay him to his face."

Psalms 40:11 “As for you, O LORD, you will not restrain your mercy from me; your steadfast love and your faithfulness will ever preserve me.”

II. Faithfulness… • The Greek “faithfulness” (pistis) word is a derivative of “faith” (trust or confidence) and means “to be trustworthy.” Other words that might be used in its place are “commitment”, “reliability”, “trustworthiness.” • Pistis is an inner virtue that drives one to be true to purpose and reliable for a task. IT REFLECTS AN INNER CHARACTER THAT ASSURES YOUR SPOUSE THAT YOU ARE RELIABLE IN EVERY ARENA OF LIFE.

II. Faithfulness… The American Heritage Dictionary defines faithfulas: (1) Adhering firmly and devotedly, as to a person, a cause, or an idea; loyal. (2) Having or full of faith. (3) Worthy of trust or belief; reliable. (4) Consistent with truth or actuality: a faithful reproduction of the portrait.” Synonyms listed with these definitions are faithful, loyal, true, constant, fast, steadfast, and staunch. “These adjectives mean adhering firmly and devotedly to someone or something, such as a person, cause, or duty, that elicits or demands one’s fidelity.”

II-a. Faithfulness…In Character • Faithful to God (believe in truths) • Faithful to My Spouse (reliable character)

Ii-b. Faithfulness… In Action 1. Doing What I Said I Would Do (Fidelity; loyalty; firm adherence to allegiance and duty; as the faithfulness of a subject)2. Telling & Living the Truth (Truth; veracity; as the faithfulness of God)3. Doing What My Job Is (Strict adherence to injunctions, and to the duties of a station; as the faithfulness of servants or ministers)4. Sticking With My Promise (Strict performance of promises, vows or covenants; constancy in affection; as the faithfulness of a husband or wife) Manifested in obedience to specific responsibilities Faithfulness

honoring your spouse by remaining wholly dedicated and committed to building a life with them, and purging from your heart thoughts of romantic connections with another Faithfulness in Marriage

POINT 2 Faithfulness is a Character Trait … reflected in Action- not Inaction

No good Christian gets up in the morning, looks out the window and says “My this is a lovely day. I think I’ll go out and commit adultery.” Faithfulness in Marriage

III-a. Unfaithfulness: Who Is Unfaithful In Marriage?

III-a. Unfaithfulness: Who Is Unfaithful In Marriage? • Studies suggest that only 31% of marriages make it through infidelity • 80% of couples who get divorced after an affair regret the decision • 17% of divorces in the United States are caused by infidelity • Research suggests that 56% of divorces are caused by an obsession with pornography • Studies suggest that 75% of married couples with special needs children get divorced

III-b. Unfaithfulness:What is it In Marriage? Types of Unfaithfulness: Emotional Defined By: • Object • Sexual • Emotional • Traditional • Greater emotional intimacy than in the marital relationship • Secrecy and deception from the spouse • Sexual chemistry

III-c. Unfaithfulness: What is Emotional Unfaithfulness? • Definition of Online Infidelity First:the institution of marriage involves emotional and sexual exclusivity and hence, sexual involvement with someone other than the spouse is considered unacceptable Second:it typically occurs in secrecy, and is usually kept hidden from the spouse Third:the consequential nature of chat room liaisons and the breach of trust it can create, substantiate their classification as infidelity. Most spouses feel as betrayed, angry, and hurt by online infidelity as they would if skin-to-skin adultery had taken place

Side Note: “Infidelity Quiz” If your marriage partner exhibits several of these following behaviors, your marriage may be in danger of an affair: • Avoids eye contact with you. • Talks continually about the unknowns of the future. • Shows an increased disinterest in the topic of sex. • Makes excuses for not spending time alone with you. • Acts unusually guilty when you do something nice for him/her. • Quits complimenting you on your physical attractiveness. • Stops saying, "I love you" and even acts rudely to you. • Starts buying you gifts to ease his or her guilt.

III-d. Unfaithfulness:Why Are We Unfaithful? Unmet Needs Emotional Immaturity Unresolved Conflicts Unrealistic Expectations Blame Pain Sin Social Context

POINT 3 We Are ALL Vulnerable to Unfaithful Behavior…

IV. Why Be Faithful In Marriage?a. God Calls for It • 1. It is Wisdom: • Proverbs 28:20 New Living Translation (NLT) • 20 The trustworthy person will get a rich reward,but a person who wants quick riches will get into trouble. • Luke 12:42-44 New Living Translation (NLT) • 42 And the Lord replied, “A faithful, sensible servant is one to whom the master can give the responsibility of managing his other household servants and feeding them. 43 If the master returns and finds that the servant has done a good job, there will be a reward.44 I tell you the truth, the master will put that servant in charge of all he owns. • 2. It is Maturity: • Luke 16:10-12 New Living Translation (NLT) • 10“If you are faithful in little things, you will be faithful in large ones. But if you are dishonest in little things, you won’t be honest with greater responsibilities. 11 And if you are untrustworthy about worldly wealth, who will trust you with the true riches of heaven? 12 And if you are not faithful with other people’s things, why should you be trusted with things of your own?

IV. Why Be Faithful In Marriage?a. God Calls for It 3. It Is Commanded: Exodus 20:1-17Then God gave the people all these instructions: 2 “I am the Lord your God, who rescued you from the land of Egypt, the place of your slavery. 3 “You must not have any other god but me. 4 “You must not make for yourself an idol of any kind or an image of anything in the heavens or on the earth or in the sea.5 You must not bow down to them or worship them, for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God who will not tolerate your affection for any other gods. I lay the sins of the parents upon their children; the entire family is affected—even children in the third and fourth generations of those who reject me. 6 But I lavish unfailing love for a thousand generations on those[b]who love me and obey my commands. 7 “You must not misuse the name of the Lord your God. The Lord will not let you go unpunished if you misuse his name. 8 “Remember to observe the Sabbath day by keeping it holy. 9 You have six days each week for your ordinary work, 10 but the seventh day is a Sabbath day of rest dedicated to the Lord your God. On that day no one in your household may do any work. This includes you, your sons and daughters, your male and female servants, your livestock, and any foreigners living among you.11 For in six days the Lord made the heavens, the earth, the sea, and everything in them; but on the seventh day he rested. That is why the Lord blessed the Sabbath day and set it apart as holy. 12 “Honor your father and mother. Then you will live a long, full life in the land the Lord your God is giving you. 13 “You must not murder. 14 “You must not commit adultery. 15 “You must not steal. 16 “You must not testify falsely against your neighbor. 17 “You must not covet your neighbor’s house. You must not covet your neighbor’s wife, male or female servant, ox or donkey, or anything else that belongs to your neighbor.”

IV. Why Be Faithful In Marriage?a. God Calls for It • 4. It Is More Than A Commanded About Behavior: • Matthew 5:28 New Living Translation (NLT) • 27 “You have heard the commandment that says, ‘You must not commit adultery.’ • 28 But I say, anyone who even looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

IV. Why Be Faithful In Marriage?b. God Knew Better Impact on the Betrayed Partner: Physical impact • Post traumatic stress reaction – shock like car accident/hold up • Hyper arousal – images of lover, can’t sleep/eat • Deadening – loss of interest in things that are previously interesting • If not traumatic – still destructive, still wounded Emotional impact • Relief that not crazy • Hurt (SAD) – ANGRY – SCARED • Gets depressed • Gets obsessed • Feels inadequate • Compartmentalize pain with activity/substances • Run from relationship • Less forgiving Loss of Sense of Self – SCARED/SHAME • Loss of identity • Loss of being special • Loss of self-respect • Loss of control of thoughts/actions • Loss of sense of Order/justice • Loss of faith in God • Loss of connection with others • Loss of connection with spouse • Loss of sense of purpose

IV. Why Be Faithful In Marriage?b. God Knew Better • Attempt to justify anger • Absence of guilt • Underneath is SCARE regarding sense of self- isolation/hopeless • Challenge to “get it” – take responsibility Impact on the Betrayer: Emotional Impact • Relief from the lie/secret • May not be sorry for affair • Impatience- Want to move on, not talk abut it • Grief over loss

IV. Why Be Faithful In Marriage?c. You Promised God • The marriage vow is deeply connected to the marriage relationship. The vow helps the couple to name and fashion their marriage's innermost meaning. The vow is foundational: the couple's first and most formal effort to define, and therefore understand, exactly what their marriage is. Marriage Vows: • More than a promise • A vow to God & Spouse • Precedes us- a standard that defines- is above our authority • Do they mean anything or not?

POINT 4 Faithfulness Is The Cornerstone of Marriage- Knock It Out, And The Whole Marriage Crumbles

Side Note: Repairing A Marriage After Infidelity There is Hope… Get help Separate fact from fiction Don’t let present destroy past Commit self to learn not leave Determine facts before deciding fate Ask for reasons not details Increase your growth not guilt Seek forgiveness & speak it

V. Do Something:a. Protect Your Marriage Guard Your Heart Guard Your Behaviors • Don’t be Naïve or Proud • Be Aware & Intentional • Set your Heart on Discipleship • Don’t Play the “Comparison Game” • Take Responsibility for You • Set Specific Boundaries with People • Know “Danger Zones” • Defend from Outside Intruders • Invest in Your Marriage • No Secrets (Real Secrets) • Get Help When Needed

V. Do Something:b. Live Life In Faithful Character Inconsistency Alignment Thoughts Desires Actions

POINT 5 Protect Your Marriage

The spirit of Marriage