SELF, HEALTH & MINISTRY

1. SELF, HEALTH & MINISTRY How Understanding the Family Can Help Us Swim Ontario MB. Pastor & Leaders Retreat February 21 – February 22 2013 Dr. Danny Unrau

2. What’s the Flow We Are In?

3. ...we your people, the flock of your pasture, will give thanks to you for ever; from generation to generation we will recount your praise.[Ps. 79:13 NRSV]

4. You shall not make for yourself an idol, whether in the form of anything that is in heaven above, or that is on the earth beneath, or that is in the water under the earth. You shall not bow down to them or worship them;

5. for I the Lord your God am a jealous God, punishing children for the iniquity of parents, to the third and the fourth generation of those who reject me, but showing steadfast love to the thousandth generation of those who love me and keep my commandments.[Ex. 20:4-6 NRSV]

6. Lord, you have been our dwelling-place in all generations. Before the mountains were brought forth,or ever you had formed the earth and the world, from everlasting to everlasting you are God.

7. You turn us back to dust, and say, ‘Turn back, you mortals.’ For a thousand years in your sight are like yesterday when it is past, or like a watch in the night. [Ps. 90:1-4 NRSV]

8. “Homeostasis....the tendency of any set of relationships to strive perpetually, in self-corrective ways, to preserve the organizing principles of its existence.” (23)

9. In families Homeostasis means Balance means trying to keep everything the same

10. Where Are the Whirlpools?

11. “Secrets” …act as plaque in the arteries of a families communication, causing stoppage in the…flow of relationships. (52)

12. Secrets in families divide … by creating unnecessary estrangements & false companionships. Secrets are usually kept “to spare” someone’s feelings; this is seldom really true. (52-53)

13. No secret is as dangerous in its telling as it is in being kept. Family secrets stink up the family system even if members don’t know where the smell is coming from.

14. “Triangles”

15. “When any two parts of system become uncomfortable with one another, they will “triangle in” or focus upon a third person, or issue….”(35) hoping to gain an ally, or convince or even defeat the other person they are uncomfortable with.

16. The efforts of the triangled person are generally ineffective and , more often than not, worsen the situation. The “third person in” can almost never help the other two persons in conflict, unless they maintain a well-defined relationship to each of the others, and remain non-anxious and present. (39)

17. Branches To Grab on To!

18. BUT WHO DO YOU SAY I AM?

19. Jesus went on with his disciples to the villages of Caesarea Philippi; and on the way he asked his disciples, ‘Who do people say that I am?’ And they answered him, ‘John the Baptist; and others, Elijah; and still others, one of the prophets.

20. He asked them, ‘But who do you say that I am?’ Peter answered him, ‘You are the Messiah.’[Mark 8:28-30 NRSV]

21. AS FOR ME & MY HOUSE

22. 14 ‘Now therefore revere the Lord, and serve him in sincerity and in faithfulness; put away the gods that your ancestors served beyond the River and in Egypt, and serve the Lord.

23. 15Now if you are unwilling to serve the Lord, choose this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your ancestors served in the region;

24. beyond the River or the gods of the Amorites in whose land you are living; but as for me and my household, we will serve the Lord.’[Joshua 24:14-15 NRSV]

25. “Differentiation,”

26. “means the capacity of a family member to define his or her own life’s goals and values apart from surrounding togetherness pressures, to say “I” when others are demanding “you” and “we.”

27. It includes the capacity to maintain a (relatively) non-anxious presence in the midst of anxious systems, to take maximum responsibility for one’s own destiny and emotional being.

28. It can be measured somewhat by the breadth of one’s repertoire of response when confronted with crisis. The concept should not be confused with autonomy or narcissism, however.

29. Differentiation means the capacity to be an “I” while remaining connected.” (27)

30. BE ANXIOUS ABOUT NOTHING

31. 6Do not worry (be anxious) about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. [Phil. 4:6 NRSV]

32. Cast all your anxiety on him, because he cares for you. [1 Peter 5:7 NRSV]

33. “Playfulness”

34. Seriousness too often is a way of being embedded in constant, chronic anxiety. The antidote to seriousness is the capacity to be playful, which is not to be equated with making jokes. (50)

35. To be playful is to not take oneself too seriously. To not take oneself too seriously allows one to be differentiated, more objective, less anxious, and able to remain in touch.

36. LEADERSHIP

37. Successful leadership,“...includes the capacity to maintain a (relatively) non-anxious presence in the midst of anxious systems, to take maximum responsibility for one’s own destiny and emotional being. (27)

38. ...successful leadership means not only moving a family toward its goals but also maximizing its functioning, as well as the health and survival of both the family and its leaders. First and foremost, the leader must stay in touch.. .(229)[present/connected]

39. “Leadership...”Friedmann writes, “is facilitated more fundamentally by how leaders function within their families than by the quantity of their expertise.”

40. “What is vital...is not knowledge of technique or even of pathology, but, rather, the capacity of the family leader to define his or her own goals and values while trying to maintain a non-anxious presence with the system.” (3)

41. “If a leader will take primary responsibility for his or her own position as “head” and work to define his or her own goals and self, while staying in touch with the rest of the organism, there is more than a reasonable chance that the body will follow…

42. …There may be initial resistance but, if the leader can stay in touch with the resisters, the body will usually go along…

43. we are talking here about the ability of a leader to be a self while still remaining a part of the system. It is the most difficult thing in the world in any family….” (229)

44. We are defined by our families, past & present. When we know our families, we know ourselves. When we know one another’s families, we know one another. Our families are with us everywhere we go, everywhere we are. Every family is weird, even yours.

45. WORDS of Importance: HomeostasisDifferentiation Triangles Secrets Playful/irreverent Leadership In touch/present/connected

46. Self, Health & Ministry