BULLYING and POSITIVE SOCIAL INTERACTION

1. BULLYINGand POSITIVE SOCIAL INTERACTION St. Perpetua School Parent Education Series October 22, 2009

2. Agenda • Introduction of Counselor • Positive Social Interaction • Social Development • Looking at Conflict • Bullying • Relational Aggression • Tools • Closing • Resources

3. Counselor • Who I am/background • What the counselor at St. Perpetua does • Contact information • Behind Café Perpetua, next to Mrs. Gainy’s office • Tuesday and Thursday 9:30-1:30 or by appointment • cmartindale@cdso.org or 925-285-1640 x117 • Introduction of topic • Personal • Fighting human nature • Striking a balance - empowerment

4. Positive Social Interaction

5. What we want for our children: • To have positive friendships • To get along well with peers • To feel empowered to stand up for themselves • To be respectful of others • To be empathetic • To be self confident • To be problem solvers

6. Positive Social Interaction • We want our kids to know how to: • Get along with all different types of people, different ages, ethnicities, religions • Deal with conflict • Demonstrate self-control, physically and verbally • Recognize appropriate ways to behave dependent on the situation (OK to run around at soccer practice, not OK at church) • Respect elders and people of authority • Not blindly accept information without judging and analyzing value • Avoid intimidating or hurting others

7. Friendship • Friendships are egalitarian. They are symmetrically or horizontally structured, in contrast to adult-child relationships, which are asymmetrically or vertically structured. • Friends are similar to each other in developmental status, engaging each other mostly in play and socializing.

8. Social Development

9. 5-7 years old May be anxious when separated from familiar people Learning to cooperate Talk about self and define self (likes, dislikes, tendencies, traits) Can be hard on themselves Better at sharing and taking turns 7-9 years old Still show bursts of emotions Judgmental and critical of self and others Developing closer friendships Self confidence increasing Like tasks where they can be successful, dislike tasks that are risky where they might fail Sensitive to criticism Feelings dependent on how adults respond to them Social Development

10. 9-11 years Becomes preoccupied with the opposite sex Relates to peer group intensely and abides by group decisions Gives in to peer pressure easily Does not want to be "different” Likes to play in small groups Confides constantly in best friend 11-13 years Intense emotions and moodiness Friends very important Start to question adult authority May define self by opinions, beliefs, values Copy fads, belonging with peers is important May be possessive with belongings and people close to them Social development

11. Acceptance • Children want to be accepted by their peers. • They want to be involved in all aspects of play and they seek out ways to fit in. • A primary question in a child’s mind is what do I need to do to fit in?

12. Conflict

13. Conflict can be good • Teaches kids how to negotiate • Teaches them to stand up for themselves • Practice for being an adult and navigating conflict throughout life • Can help cement a belief or value • Teaches kids different perspectives and coping styles

14. Different Levels of Conflict

15. Level 1 Conflict • Disagreement, not major, fairly easy to move beyond, not personal, might be an isolated incident • Ex: classmate took cuts in line • Solution: Ignore the behavior, don’t give it more attention than it warrants, consider how important it is to respond • Stand up for yourself if appropriate • Parent support: positively reinforce when your child says they ignored an annoying situation, or when they share they stood up for what was fair

16. Level 2 Conflict • Argument about minor issue that is important to child, usually not personal, child feels annoyed. • Ex: markers were taken so project was incomplete • Solutions: problem solve outside of the relationship – get more markers, look for a way to move beyond situation without engaging in argument • Stand up for yourself if appropriate • Parent support: positively reinforce your child’s ability to problem solve and find a solution or when they have stood up for what is fair

17. Level 3 Conflict • Issue is usually more personal, feelings are hurt, duration of disagreement is longer. Intent can be malicious. You hurt me so I’ll hurt you • Ex: a friend is excluded by friend at lunch • Solution: Speak up for yourself and explain why the behavior was hurtful. Use I message, don’t blame. Try to understand the other person’s feelings • Parent support: be supportive and caring of hurt feelings but try not to solve the situation or view them as a victim. Brainstorm with your child how to communicate and repair hurt feelings.

18. Conflicts • There can be elements of all these levels of conflict in one relationship. • Time spent together and intensity of relationship are important to consider. • Is the behavior neutral? • Is the behavior annoying? • Is the behavior antagonistic? • How much time do kids spend together? • How intense is the relationship?

19. Siblings are a good example • Consider sibling relationships and intentions of siblings. • Trying to carve out differences from one another • Trying to create space • Trying to understand power and abilities, ways to get attention and validation • There can still be an underlying element of love and/or camaraderie • Students are together a lot during the school day, year

20. 3 Ways to Help Conflicts • Control your temper • Staying calm and polite makes it easier to resolve conflicts • Try to see the other person’s point of view • Switch sides with one another and argue the other person’s point • Seek out adults when you need them • If the argument is escalating and you don’t feel like you’re making progress, ask for help

21. Bullying

22. Bullying defined • To bully: to habitually badger and intimidate smaller or weaker people; to intimidate, domineer • American Psychological Association (APA)

23. What is bullying? • When a person or group tries to hurt or control another person in a harmful way • When there is a difference in power between those being hurt and those doing the hurting • When hurtful behaviors are repeated over time • Hurtful behavior that is intentional, the goal is to injure, control or manipulate someone

24. Types of Bullying • Physical: punching, kicking, spitting • Verbal: name calling, threatening, teasing • Psychological: spreading rumors, excluding people from games and groups • Cyber: writing mean things on someone’s face book, emailing embarrassing photos of people

25. Forms of bullying • Bullying can be physical, verbal, psychological, or a combination of these three. • Name calling • Put-downs • Saying or writing inappropriate things about a person • Deliberately excluding individuals from activities • Not talking to a person • Threatening a person with bodily harm • Taking or damaging a person's things • Hitting or kicking a person • Making a person do things he/she does not want to do • Taunting, teasing and coercion.

26. Aggressive bullies • An aggressive bully is seen as an individual who is belligerent, fearless, coercive, confident, tough, and impulsive. • This type of behavior typically comes from individuals who have a low tolerance for frustration coupled with a stronger inclination toward violence than that of children in general.

27. Passive bullies • Passive bullies rarely provoke others or take the initiative in a bullying incident. • As groups, the aggressive bully will instigate the bullying situation, the passive bully supports his/her behavior and/or begins to actively participate once the bullying begins. • The passive bully aligns with the more powerful and, relatively speaking, more popular, action-oriented aggressive bully.

28. Who is a target? • There's something that makes him stand out to the bully • Could be he walks differently, talks differently, behaves differently, clothes are different, parents are divorced or from another country, or even just his name is different. • She gets anxious or upset very easily. • He doesn't have as many friends and is often alone.

29. Signs of Bullying • Reluctance to leave home. • Missing activities. Declining to attend extracurricular activities may be a sign that your child is being bullied. • Unexplained cuts or bruises. • Increased sadness or anxiety. Adolescents tend to be moody; however, a sudden increase in crying outbursts and anxiety levels could be the result of a bully. • Steadily decreasing academic performance. Repeated low scores, missed assignments, or comments from your child’s teachers about declining performance could be signs.

30. Psychological Bullying: Relational Aggression

31. What is Relational Aggression? • Calculated manipulation to injure or to control another child's ability to maintain rapport with peers • Creating networks of negativity around a target/victim • Manipulating how an individual is viewed by • Isolating them • Spreading rumors or lies about private lives • Revealing secrets • Creating situations of public humiliation • Leaves victims in a no-win situation because there is no forum to challenge the accusations

32. Girls and Boys & Relational Aggression • Girls usually differ from boys in the type of aggressive behavior they exhibit. • While boys tend to inflict bodily pain, girls more often engage in covert or relational aggression. • Girls tend to value intimate relationships with individual girls, while boys usually form social bonds through group activities (like team sports). • Aggressive girls often gain power by withholding their friendship or by sabotaging the relationships of others.

33. Relational Aggression (Cont’d) • Girls between grades 5-8 use relational aggression the most. • By high school, behavior is more direct and there is less competition between social groups

34. Why Relational Aggression? • To socially isolate the victim • Also increasing the social status of the bully • Perpetrators might be driven by jealousy, need for attention, anger, and fear of (or need for) competition. • One reason girls choose this type of bullying rather than more direct acts of harassment is that the bully typically avoids being caught or held accountable • Antidote to RA is journaling, writing out feelings and having an outlet to express what is actually happening

35. Tools

36. Tools Agenda: • Ways kids can stand up for themselves in conflicts and against bullies • What parents can do to support kids • When your child is a bully • What kids can do to prevent bullying • What St. Perpetua is doing

37. The power of the “I” message • I feel….. • When you…. • Because…. • Example: I feel sad when you don’t invite me to sit with you because I like hanging out with you. • Practicing helps kids stand up for themselves, articulate what they want and don’t want.

38. “I” Messages • Don’t attack, judge or cause annoyance like a “you” message • Can lessen some of the blame • Works to lessen defensiveness from other person • Gets to the heart of the conflict sooner • Everyone is clear on the cause and effect of behavior

39. “I” Message • Adults use them all the time • I feel frustrated when it takes you so long to put your shoes on because being on time is important. • I feel concerned when you fret about doing your homework because I want you to be prepared. • I feel unprepared when you pop-in because I like to be ready for guests.

40. Conflict Resolution Technique • Tell the person what you didn't like • Tell the person how it made you feel • Tell the person what you want in the future • Person responds with what they can do • Giving kids ways to express themselves and stand up for what they believe is fair

41. Reporting behavior • When kids recognize they are being treated in a frightening, isolating way that hurts their feelings it is important they feel comfortable to report the behavior to a teacher, counselor or trusted adult. • It is equally important when students observe other students bullying another student, that they report the situation to a teacher, counselor or trusted adult.

42. Tattling versus telling • Tattling is telling on someone in order to get him in trouble. • Telling is reporting about someone to get him help. • Tattling is attention-seeking behavior, and the tattler is rarely 100% free of responsibility.

43. What Parents Can Do

44. Parents - What Not To Do: "I haven't met a parent who hasn't wanted to run to her child's school and shake some kid who was mean to her kid (even though the parent has never done this). But one of the biggest complaints I get from kids is about parents who are meddling in their friendships. You can support your child through the tough times by lending a sympathetic ear without necessarily jumping to action." Michael Thompson, Ph.D. Co-Author, Best Friends, Worst Enemies

45. What Parents Can Do: • EMPOWERMENT • We want to empower our children to solve their own problems and to stand up for themselves • Reinforce when they share how they stood up for themselves or others • Celebrate when they have encouraged others to have better behavior (acted as a leader/didn’t join in) • Give attention and praise for their ability to be a supportive friend/classmate/teammate • Tell them you believe in them and their ability to solve a problem and stand up for themselves or others

46. What Parents Can Do: • BE AVAILABLE • Listen • Be someone your kids feel comfortable sharing tricky situations with • By sympathetic • Don’t minimize how important their feelings are - remember when school was all you cared about • Don’t jump in to solve their problem but help them brainstorm on ways to improve a situation • Know the difference between reinforcing the idea that they are a victim and when they need some real help*

47. How to Know the Difference • It is very hard to know if your child has an annoying classmate or if he is being bullied? • Ask your child about the situation, try to understand how the teacher responds, how other kids respond, how your child responds. • Set up a scale for you and your child to work from. 1=mildly irritating and 10=the behavior is hurtful, scary and personal and often. • Be in touch with teacher/school when necessary

48. How to Know the Difference • Observe your child’s behavior, mood • Watch for isolation – is your child seeing other friends, still engaged with other people? • Does your child stand up for himself? Does he stand up for others? • Is he afraid to go to school/or activity? • If you determine your child is being bullied, contact your child’s teacher or counselor /activity immediately. Steps must be taken to stop the intimidation and imbalance of power in the relationship.

49. What Else Parents Can Do: • Involve kids in groups outside the school (e.g. scouts, gymnastics, karate, skating, etc. etc.) • Talk about bullying and positive social interaction, how to treat friends and classmates • Give them diverse friendship circles, so that if a situation arises, there are alternate venues of support already in place • Have other supportive adults available, grandparent, aunt/uncle, older cousin, trusted friend or neighbor so they feel comfortable sharing what is happening in their lives

50. When Your Child is a Bully: