“ Parental Alienation ” What is it? What can you do? How is it connected to abuse? March 27, 2014

“Parental Alienation” What is it? What can you do? How is it connected to abuse? March 27, 2014 Tamar Witelson, Legal Director, METRAC Victoria Starr,Lawyer, Starr Family Law Funded by:

METRAC METRAC, the Metropolitan Action Committee on Violence Against Women and Children • works to end violence against women, youth and children • a not-for-profit, community-based organization www.metrac.org METRAC’s Community Justice Program • provides accessible legal information and education for women and service providers • focuses on law that affects women, from diverse backgrounds, especially those experiencing violence or abuse Family Law Education for Women in Ontario -- FLEW • provides information on women’s rights and options under Ontario family law • in 14 languages, accessible formats, online and in print www.onefamilylaw.ca www.undroitdefamille.ca

Presenters Victoria Starr Family Lawyer/Mediator/Arbitrator, Starr Family Law, Toronto Tamar Witelson Legal Director, METRAC

Topics to be Covered • What Does “Parental Alienation” Mean? • Reasonable Child Behaviour • Signs of Parental Alienation • Is Abuse Part of the Picture? • What To Do: • Out of Court • Going to Court • What Is the Office of the Children’s Lawyer? • Conclusion • Additional Resources Accurate as of the date of this webinar presentation: March 27, 2014

What Does “Parental Alienation” Mean?

What Does “Parental Alienation” Mean? • “Parental Alienation Syndrome” term introduced by child psychiatrist Richard Gardner (1985, United States) • Gardner described a condition in which a child criticizes and pulls away from one parent, without reason • usually after parental separation • usually the other parent is blamed for influencing, indoctrinating or “poisoning” the child’s view

What Does “Parental Alienation” Mean? • “Parental Alienation Syndrome” is not a medically recognized disorder • Gardner’s observations were limited, focused on child custody cases where he believed fathers were “falsely accused” of child abuse • High conflict parental separation can affect children in many ways: • strong bond with one parent • distance or estrangement from other parent • may or may not involve abuse

What Does “Parental Alienation” Mean? • A child who persistently expresses unjustifiednegativefeelings and beliefs about a parent that are out of proportion to the child’s actual experience with that parent is a legitimate cause for concern • such as anger, hatred, rejection, fear • May be called “Parental Alienation”

Reasonable Child Behaviour

Reasonable Child Behaviour • When separating parents fight over custody of a child, it is common for child to feel: • sadness • guilt • protective of one or both parents • anger at one or both parents • conflict over loyalty to one or both parents • a need to reduce conflict and bad feelings

Reasonable Child Behaviour • Child behaviour that is justified, or has a reasonable explanation is not “parental alienation” • Strain, tension, distance in the relationship with one parent is not always “Parental Alienation” • There are expected and typical reasons why a child may feel more positive/negative with each parent

Reasonable Child Behaviour • Some explainable reasons for a child’s positive/negative feelings towards one parent: • greater comfort with the usual primary caregiver • separation anxiety when leaving a comfortable environment • identity with parent of same gender or interests • preference for more material comforts and/or fewer demands on behaviour

Reasonable Child Behaviour • A child’s reasonable positive/negative feelings towards one parent, related to family breakdown: • anger at the parent who leaves • moral judgement of a parent’s behaviour • sympathy or worry for rejected parent • disruption in social life and routine • dislike of a parent’s new partner or step-siblings

Reasonable Child Behaviour • Signs of reasonable child behaviour: • negative attitudes towards the rejected parent are occasional or reduce over time • negative attitudes may be mixed with positive attitudes and affection • negative attitudes may be directed at both parents at various times

Reasonable Child Behaviour • Behaviour related to abuse or neglect, such as: • child is/was physically or sexually or otherwise abused by one parent, or by someone else while in care of the parent • child witnessed a parent’s violence or abuse against someone else • child was threatened or has a reasonable fear of harm by parent • child’s needs are or were neglected by parent • child was abandoned by parent

Signs of “Parental Alienation”

Signs of “Parental Alienation” • Context • increasing number of claims of “Parental Alienation” (PA) in Canadian child custody cases • from 1989-2008, 60% of PA claims upheld • mom was 2 times more likely to be considered the “alienating” parent (moms are more likely to have custody or most time with child) • dad was 3 times more likely to claim PA which is not upheld

Signs of “Parental Alienation” • Negative child behaviour becomes progressively more severe, for example: • feeling pressure and loyalty conflict between parents • reducing pressure by siding with one parent • adopting more negative views of rejected parent • resisting contact with rejected parent, even when contact has been positive in the past • extreme anger and complete rejection of alienated parent

Signs of “Parental Alienation” • Concerns about a child’s behaviour arise when there is no reasonable or justifiable explanation • view of parents is one-sided; one parent is “good” and the other is “bad” • towards the rejected parent: • vicious response or hatred – verbal and physical • negative to associated family, friends, pets, possessions • blamed for separation and current life conditions • reasons for rejection are false, irrational, trivial

Signs of “Parental Alienation” • view of parents is one-sided; one parent is “good” and the other is “bad” • towards the favoured parent: • worried about parent • cares for or feels the need to care for parent • defends parent • denies worry or protection for parent • mimics what the parent says without an individual view • parent is idealized

Signs of “Parental Alienation” • The favoured parent (the alienator) • direct or indirect signs of encouraging the rejection or alienation of the other parent, such as: • rarely talks about other parent or regularly says negative things about other parent • denies other parent has any positive qualities • interferes with child’s contact with other parent • lets child decide if/when to visit • is upset if child does visit • discourages phone calls, email, birthday or celebrations of other parent

Signs of “Parental Alienation” • The favoured parent • encourages the rejection of the other parent: • sends messages through child, puts child in the middle • ignores or destroys messages from other parent to the child • talks about the other parent with disdain • makes child feel guilty for any positive feeling towards other parent • unjustifiably portrays other parent as damaging to child • discusses legal/separation issues with child • asks child to spy on or keep secrets from other parent • threatens to withdraw affection, unless other parent is rejected

Signs of “Parental Alienation” • The rejected parent’s behaviour can make things worse, such as: • says negative things about other parent • makes child feel guilty • ignores or rejects child’s feelings • argues with child, tries to convince, or punish to change behaviour • overly strict rules or complete resignation and rejection of child • discusses legal/separation issues with child • sends messages with child, puts child in the middle

Is Abuse Part of the Picture?

Is Abuse Part of the Picture? • Richard Gardner invented the label “Parental Alienation Syndrome” to combat claims of child sexual abuse against fathers, which he viewed as commonly false • Research shows 50-70% of child sexual abuse claims are valid • A child’s fear and rejection of a parent for abuse is justifiable and not “Parental Alienation” • A parent’s legitimate concern for a child’s safety is not “Parental Alienation”

Is Abuse Part of the Picture? • Partner Abuse and Violence • criticism and de-valuing of a parent in front of a child by the other parent is a form of domestic partner abuse • encouraging a child to reject a parent without justification may be a continuation of partner abuse • the risk of partner abuse and violence increases immediately after separation • custody battles can be used as a tool to attack a person’s competence as a parent, identity and dignity • interference with a mother-child relationship may be a profoundly damaging tactic of woman abuse

Is Abuse Part of the Picture? • Child Abuse • child’s right to have a meaningful and beneficial relationship with both parents is threatened or lost • alienating parent exploits child’s lack of power and control • risks of harm to child from “Parental Alienation” • Short Term • stress • emotional distress • taking on adult responsibilities to protect favoured parent • guilt or regret from loss of rejected parent • health: depression, self-harm, eating problems, cutting

Is Abuse Part of the Picture? • Risks to child from “Parental Alienation” • Long Term (still being researched) • ongoing emotional distress • low self-esteem; belief in inadequacies like rejected parent • ongoing dependence on favoured parent • fear of loss of favoured parent • rigid, black/white view of world • self-blame • depression • difficulty with interpersonal relationships

What To Do: Out of Court

What To Do: Out of Court Tips to avoid or deal with “Parental Alienation” • Both parents should: • follow terms of a custody agreement or Court Order • stay positive with child • avoid being negative about other parent • not involve child in legal or parental discussions • not use child as messenger between parents • use an online program to communicate with other parent • e.g. Our Family Wizard • keep personal record of positive activities and concerns • save or copy all notes, cards, documents, email, texts, record of phone calls

What To Do: Out of Court • Services to Support Parents • Talk to a lawyer • Parenting Course • geared to child’s age • to better understand child’s needs and concerns • to respond and positively interact with child • Conflict Resolution Course • specifically for separating parents • to improve communication, respect, trust • e.g. Families in Transition • Mental Health Professional • expert in high conflict parental separation • more specific to the individual parents and child • help to reasonably respond to difficult situations

What To Do: Out of Court • Alternate Dispute Resolution (ADR) • consult a lawyer • to resolve disputes between parents • mediation (best at early stage) • parenting coordinator • arbitration • See webinar: “Conflict, Court or Another Way? Different Ways of Resolving a Family Dispute” www.onefamilylaw.ca/en/webinar/

What To Do: Out of Court • Services to Support Child • Talk to a lawyer • Child Therapist • emotional outlet and counselling • Mental Health Expert Report • report on child’s views and preferences; provide opinion • Brief Focused Assessment • report on parental conflict and effects on child • provide ideas for practical solutions • Children’s Aid Society • may assist or refer child and family to community services • can intervene if CAS believes child is in need of protection

What To Do: Out of Court • Family Counselling • should have expertise on “Parental Alienation” and child rejection of a parent (estrangement) • identify your concerns about parent/child relationships • child, both parents, new partners, other family members should prepare to attend • only a parent with custody can agree to involve child • consider: will counselling be confidential (closed) or open, with a professional report and recommendations

What To Do: Out of Court • Keep in mind: you may end up in Court • courses, counselling, assessments and reports may be viewed by the other parent in a Court proceeding • “out of Court” information could become evidence in Court • you can agree in advance that a document will not be used in Court and an expert will not be called as a witness • if it is to your benefit, you can agree in advance that a document and witness can be used in Court

What To Do: Going to Court

What To Do: Going to Court • Other solutions are not working • Court involvement may be appropriate • Court has broad powers, can order one or several of the following: • ask judge to caution parties about behaviour • ask judge to “case manage” and keep case moving • Review Order: parties return to Court every week or two to report

What To Do: Going to Court • Court can: • order “Section 30 Assessment” (under Ontario Children’s Law Reform Act) • in custody/access case, Court can appoint a professional to “assess and report” on the needs of the child, and whether the parents can satisfy those needs • Court can order parents and child to attend assessment • Request involvement of the Office of the Children’s Lawyer

What To Do: Going to Court • Court can order: • a parent or child to participate in a course or counselling, such as: • parenting, conflict resolution, individual or family therapy • psychological assessment • Brief Focused Assessment • a very specific parenting agreement • supervised exchanges of child • supervised visits with child • police enforcement

What To Do: Going to Court • Court can order: • spousal support reduced to pay for counselling • a parent is declared “vexatious” • a parent must pay the other parent’s legal costs • a parent is “in contempt” of Court and order a penalty, such as fine or jail • a limit or increase on parental time with child • a change in child custody • no parental contact with child

What Is the Office of the Children’s Lawyer?

What Is the Office of the Children’s Lawyer? • Ontario Office of the Children’s Lawyer (OCL) • free, government-funded lawyers and clinical investigators who will assist the court to help children under 18 • Court, or usually at one parent’s request can request OCL to get involved in a case • OCL may: • Not take case • appoint a lawyer to report to Court on child’s views and preferences and take a position on behalf of the child • conduct a “clinical investigation” and make recommendations to the parents and Court • determines strength, consistency and independence of child’s views and preferences

What Is the Office of the Children’s Lawyer? • advances a position on behalf of the child • makes recommendations to the Court • position might not mirror child’s stated views and preferences • does not represent either parent • does not take instructions from parents • may speak to parents and others to get more information about the child

Conclusion • High conflict parental separation and custody disputes may affect children and their parental relationships • Justified withdrawal from a parent is not “Parental Alienation” • Make sure arrangements and Court Orders are detailed • Follow custody agreements and Orders • Stay positive with child • Consider out of Court supports • Consult a lawyer • Don’t wait, take action sooner rather than later

Additional Resources

Online Basic Information Ministry of the Attorney General www.attorneygeneral.jus.gov.on.ca/english/ • 1-800-518-7901 (toll free) • 1-877-425-0575 (TTY) Family Law Information Program (FLIP) www.legalaid.on.ca/en/getting/flip.asp Family Law Information Centres (FLICs) www.legalaid.on.ca/en/getting/type_family.asp Family Law Services Centres (FLSCs) www.legalaid.on.ca/en/contact/contact.asp?type=flsc Family Law Education for Women (FLEW) www.onefamilylaw.ca/en/resources/ Ontario Women’s Justice Network (OWJN) www.owjn.org

“ Parental Alienation ” What is it? What can you do? How is it connected to abuse? March 27, 2014