Wild At Heart Chapter 4 • The Wound • Every boy in his journey to become a man, takes an arrow in the center of his heart, in the place of his strength. Because the wound is rarely discussed and even more rarely healed. Every man carries a wound. • And the wound is nearly always given by his father.
A Man’s Deepest question. (60-61) • Sam’s rock climbing story-61-62 • Male sport “shop talk” • It’s our way of affirming each other without looking like we are affirming. Men rarely praise each other directly. • It’s not a question, it’s the question- Do I have what it takes? Am I powerful? • Until a man knows he’s a man he will forever be trying to prove he is one
Where does masculinity come from? • Masculinity is bestowed • A boy learns who he is and what he’s got from a man, or the company of men. • He cannot learn it from other boys • The plan from the beginning of time was that his father would lay a foundation for a young boy’s heart, and pass on to him that essential knowledge and confidence in his strength
Dad would be the most important man in a boy’s life. He would answer his question and give him his name (blessing). • Scriptural Fathers and sons • Adam receives his name from God and is given the power of naming. He names all of creation. • Abraham names Isaac Jacob and Esau crave Isaac’s blessing • Jesus is given His father’s blessing Luke 3:22
Rachel Ben-Oni- Jacob-Benjamin • It is a critical move, when a boy draws his identity no longer from his mother, but from his father • The father needs to actively intervene
Mother’s and Sons (63-64) • For the first years the Mother is the center of the son’s universe • Mama’s little sweetheart…. • A boy can not grow into manhood with a name like that. • A boy will shift his gaze to the father and will want to wrestle, play catch, work in the garage. Dad’s return home is celebrated
Femininity can never bestow masculinity • Sweet heart/Tiger which way will a boy head? • Turns to Mother for comfort and Dad for adventure, to test his strength, answer his question • John car story (64) • If a mother will not allow her son to become dangerous, if she does not let the father take him away she will emasculate him.
From Strength to Strength(66-68) • Masculinity is an essence • The traditional way of raising sons • John’s fishing story • The fish were never the important thing, it was the delight, the contact, the masculine presence being bestowed on me • Men and their father’s • What did your dad teach you?
In these stories, what is mostly passed on is the masculine blessing. • Tribal cultures Fathers and sons • Johns wrestling/bloody lip story (67) • The ancient societies believed that a boy becomes a man only through ritual and effort- only through the active intervention of older men. • A mother’s involvement can be an integral part of this process.
The father is key to answering the question and bestowing masculinity on his son. • That is why the deepest wound is almost always given by the father.
The Father-wound (69-71) • Dave’s Story 69 • Charles’ Story 69 • Depression story 70 • Craig’s seagull story • Violent fathers-Am I man? • No you are a mama’s boy, a faggot, a seagull. Defining sentences that shape a man’s life.
One thing about assault wounds (verbal physical, or sexual abuse) they are obvious. • Passive wounds are not, they are subtle, they often go unrecognized as wounds and therefore are actualy more difficult to heal. • John’s father-wound • Not receiving a blessing from your father is a wound
Not seeing your father when you are young, never being with your father, a remote father, an absent father, a workaholic father is a wound • Alex’s father 71 • Stuart’s father • Divorce or abandonment is a wound that lingers because the boy (or girl) believes if they had done things better, Daddy would have stayed.
Silent Fathers wound their sons • The silence is deafening • Silent father provide a wound that no one could see or understand • Do I have what it takes? Am I a man Daddy? • Silent fathers silence= I don’t know, I doubt it, you’ll have to find out for yourself, probably not.
The Wound’s effect 72-75 • Every man carries a wound • Every wound whether it’s assaultive or passive, delivers a message. The message feels final and true, absolutely true because it is delivered with such force. • John’s reaction to his wound 72 • “Becoming a Christian doesn’t necessarily fix things. My arrows were still lodged deep and refused to allow some angry wounds inside to heal” Brent Curtis
The driven man 72-73 • The casualties of a driven man and it’s effect on others • Stan’s story 73 • The two basic reactions to a man’s wound • They either overcompensate for it and become driven (violent) men • Or they shrink back and go passive (retreating men). • Often its an odd mixture of both. College age man with goatee and backwards baseball hat
Alex’s story continued 74 • Charles’ story continued 74 • Dave’s story continued • Stuart’s story continued • The wound comes, and with it is a message. From that place aboy makes a vow, chooses a way of life that gives rise to the false self (poser) • Next time more on what happens to a man after the wound is given • Chapter 5 -“The battle for a man’s heart”