Article Review Forgiveness: Another Relationship “F Word” -– A Couple’s Dialogue

1. Article ReviewForgiveness: Another Relationship “F Word” -– A Couple’s Dialogue Eckstein, D. Sperber, M., & McRae, S. (2009). The Family Journal, 17, 256 – 262 Dr. Cyndi H. Matthews

2. Why Forgiveness? • We are saved by the final form of love which is forgiveness • Reinhold Nieburh(Theologian) • There is no love without forgiveness and there is no forgiveness without love • Bryant McGill • To err is human – to forgive divine • Alexander Pope (poet) • Often comes up in therapy • Regarding self • Regarding other people

3. What forgiveness is NOT • It is NOTcondoning, excusing, or forgetting what happened • It is NOT just a catharsis of anger (short term – depression and anxiety continue & can increase) • It is NOT seeking justice nor revenge against partner • It is (usually) NOT a one time event – it is a process

4. What is forgiveness? • It is a response to • unfairness of treatment, • or unwarranted resentment from, • or anger from an offender • And the restoration of more positive feelings, thoughts, and behaviors toward that person • And is based on mutual respect of self and other person

5. Start with self–exploration • Explore past history of concept • What are your earliest memories – spiritual, educational concepts, religious, suggestions regarding forgiveness? • Consider an experience when someone modeled forgiveness – how did it affect you? • Explore personal history with forgiveness • Remember experiences when you forgave someone – rate yourself and your success on a scale of 1 – 10 • Remember successful experiences forgiving others and when others forgave you – rate self 1-10 • Focus on current relationship • Rate self forgiving partner 1-10 • Rate satisfaction with partner forgiving you 1-10 • Contemplate issues for which you still harbor resentment • Identify issues your partner may have toward you

6. Religious significance • 61% individuals choose to forgive for religious reasons • Judaism: Talmud - constant theme throughout • Muslim: Quran/Koran “He who forgiveth is reconciled unto his enemy shall receive his reward from God” • Hindu: Bhagavad Gita “forgiveness … Divine virtue” • Christians: Bible “seven times seventy” • Quakers: recognize God is in everyone, reason to treat self and others with kindness

7. Recommendation • Couple interview each other on religious/spiritual relationship to forgiveness in past and now • Begin with family of origin beliefs – did you accept, reject, or modify those beliefs? • Focus on your beliefs regarding forgiveness and your past and current religious beliefs. What inspires you towards forgiveness? • Are there specific rituals, ceremonies, or other ways forgiveness is sought? • What has been your experience in seeking forgiveness? Successful? Unsuccessful?

8. Self-forgiveness • Individual’s own self-esteem is a determining factor for being able to forgive • Forgiveness helps increase personal power • Physical Benefits: physical benefits, including removing blockages to peptides and releasing opiate receptors to frontal cortex (experience pleasure) • Meditation and personal prayer have similar effects

9. SELF FORGIVENESS exercise • Get yourself in quiet and relaxed state (alone or with partner) – music/candles/nature/quiet place • Be mindful of breathing – conscious of lower abdomen not upper chest • Say: “Compassion and peace” on breath in and “happiness and joy” on breath out • When relaxed say, “I forgive myself for …” for 5 – 10 minutes • Imagine favorite color – let it fill you, say to self “I love to forgive myself and others” • When you feel complete end process by breathing mindfully • Stretch/walk/reflect; write experience down • Repeat if you feel forgiveness lacking • Share with partner if appropriate

10. Forgiveness IN relationships • Forgiveness helps people feel part of the relationship again • Helps individuals feel part of a collective unit with interdependence • Increases understanding of consequences of social interactions in relationship • Empathy for other individual crucial in forgiveness • It is a decision to forgive

11. Models of forgiveness • Recall the hurt • Empathize with the perpetrator • Give the Altruistic gift of forgiveness • Publicly Commit to forgiveness • Hold on to forgiveness • Worthington (2001) • Decide whether to reconcile • Discuss reconciliation • Detoxify the relationship • Develop devotion to each other • Worthington (2001) REACH MODEL FOUR “D’S” OF RECONCILATION

12. One more model/checklist (enright, 2001) • Admit to self my partner hurt me • Become aware of anger • Admit to self I feel shame & humiliation • Realize lost energy by being resentful • Thought over and over about what happened (ruminate/perseverate) • Realize I am changed by offense • Realize old ways of handling problem not working • Willing to consider forgiveness as option • Commit to forgive • Think of partner in positive terms • Empathize – step into their shoes • Develop compassion; try not to pass pain on to others • Try to do something nice for person • Find positive meaning from suffering • Realize I have erred and need to be forgiven • Find support from others as I forgive • Develop new purpose in life with forgiveness