Enhancing Communication Skills. Dr. Jim Guinee Nov 17, 2009 APEN Conference. Testing your communication skills. 1. Is there a law that prohibits a man from marrying his widow’s sister?
Dr. Jim Guinee
Nov 17, 2009
Happy couplesUnhappy couples
My partner is a very good listener 83% 18%
My partner understands how I feel 79% 13%
I am satisfied with how 90% 15%
we talk to each other
We find it easy to think of things 86% 28%
to do together
I can share feelings and ideas with 85% 22%
my partner during disagreements
We are both equally willing to make 87% 46%
adjustments in the relationship
[Source: Olson & Olson, 2000, “Empowering Couples: Building on your strengths”; National survey of over 10,000 married couples]
The ultimate fly in the ointment
Communication problems are UNIVERSAL
This game is played much like the regular Simon Says: You obey the instructions that come after “Simon Says.” However, you can’t move while you play this version. You must do it all in your head.
Simon says, stand straight, hands at your sides.
Simon says, raise your right hand.
Simon says, if your right hand is raised, put your left hand on your left hip.
Simon says, if one of your hands is raised, raise you opposite leg.
Simon says, if your right hand is not on your hip,
reverse the positions of your two hands.
Touch your nose with your right hand.
Simon says, the next time you hear the word “reverse”, switch the
positions of your two hands.
Simon says, if one of your legs is raised and your tongue is not out, put
your leg down.
Do not reverse the positions of your two hands.
Simon says, reverse the positions of your two hands.
Have each person stand and show you what positions they are in.
Source: Data from L. Gaelick, G.V. Bodenhausen, and R.S. Wyer, Jr., Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 49:1248, 1985.
AWARE of HOW you communicate
(e.g., body language, tone of voice)
(message you wish to get across)
-For those who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery.
-This afternoon there will be a meeting in the South and North ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.
-Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.
-Wednesday the ladies liturgy will meet. Mrs. Johnson will sing "Put me in my little bed" accompanied by the pastor.
-This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the altar.
-The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.
-The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind. They can be seen in the church basement Saturday.
-Bean supper on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow!!
-At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and listen to our choir practice.
-Weight Watchers will meet at 7:00 pm at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use the large double door at the side entrance.
-The Associate minister unveiled the church's new tithing campaign slogan last Sunday - "I upped my pledge - up yours!"
-Next Sunday, Mrs. Vinson will be the soloist for the morning service. The pastor will then speak on "It's a Terrible Experience."
-Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on Oct. 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in school days.
-Smile at someone who is hard to love. Say, "hell" to someone who doesn't care much about you.
-Low Self-Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 to 8:30 p.m. Please use the back door.
(sender & receiver)
A tragic example of mis-communicating:
A. Anger is a futile business
B. Anger has negative consequences
C. True control comes from managing your
anger, not venting/exploding
D. Become aware of own reactions to anger, hostility – a “solvable problem”
A. Example: Married couples
B. The key is that there is a clear difference between feeling angry
A. They choose to be angry
1. See negative outcome
2. Access chain of thoughts
3. Revise the situation
4. Model the “right” behavior
“An ounce of prevention…”
Self-talk is Good Medicine
F. Don’t conflate the level of concern with the degree of knowledge
Q1: How much does this person know?
Q2: How much does this person care?
[Tip: Answer the questions IN ORDER]
Q: Which one do you have control over?
When faced with an immoveable obstacle (i.e., the other person):
When faced with an immoveable obstacle: