Immortal Words of Wisdom from Fur Q (Innit !!!!!)

1. Immortal Words of Wisdom from Fur Q (Innit !!!!!)

2. But First If you are easily shocked or offended – Don’t be so bloody soft & get a life

3. Laying a Carpet ………………… is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You check the dimensions, lay her out on the floor, pin her down, walk all over her. If you're adventurous like me you might like to try an underlay.

4. Washing a Car ………………… is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You've got to caress the bodywork. Breathe softly and gently. Give every inch of it your loving attention. Finally, make sure you've got a nice wet sponge.

5. Answering the Phone ………………… is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. In that you've got to lift the receiver, put it to your ear, speak loudly and clearly ... oh, yes and don't forget to state your name.

6. Making a Cup of Coffee ………………… is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Take your time. Make sure its hot. Stir gently and firmly. Grind your beans until they squeak; and then you put in the milk

7. Being in Therapy ………………… is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You get on the couch. String them along with some half-lies and evasions. Probe some deep dark holes; and then hand over all your money.

8. Camping in a Tent ………………… is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. You’ve got to unzip the door. Make sure your pole is erect, and slip in to the old bag.

9. Being in a Car Crash ………………… is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, brace yourself hold on tight particularly if it's a rear ender, and pray you make contact with her twin airbags as soon as possible.

10. Hanging Wallpaper ………………… is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. Clean all the relevant surfaces. Spread her out on the table. Cover her with paste, and stick her up. Clean your brush, light your pipe, stand back and admire your handiwork.

11. Going Fishing ………………… is very much like making love to a beautiful woman. First of all, clean and inspect your tackle, carefully pull back your rod over, and remove any dirt that may have built up whilst not in use. Extend your rod to its full length, and check that there are no kinks or any wear. Particularly at the base, where the grip is usually applied. Make sure you've got a decent float, the appropriate bait, and that there's plenty of shot in your bag.

12. How to Shower Like a Woman • Take off clothes and place in a sectioned laundry basket according to lights, darks, whites, man-made or natural. • Walk to bathroom wearing dressing gown. If husband seen along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom. • Look at womanly physique in the mirror and stick out tummy, complain about getting fat. • Get in shower, look for face cloth, arm cloth, loin cloth, long loofah, and pumice stone. • Wash hair once with cucumber and lamprey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. • Wash hair again with cucumber and lamprey shampoo with 83 added vitamins. • Condition hair with cucumber and lamprey conditioner with 83 added vitamins and enhanced natural crocus oil, leave on hair for 15 minutes. • Wash face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red raw. • Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and Jaffa body wash. • Rinse conditioner off hair taking at least 15 minutes to make sure that it's all come off. • Shave armpits and legs, consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead. • Scream loudly when husband flushes toilet and water loses pressure and turns red hot. • Turn off shower. - Squeegee all wet surfaces in shower, spray mould spots with Mr Muscle. • Get out of shower, dry with clean fluffy towel. • Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel. - Check entire body for remotest signs of spots, attack with nails/tweezers (if you can find them). • Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. • If husband seen, cover up any exposed areas and then rush to bedroom to spend hour and half getting dressed.

13. How to Shower Like a Man • Take off clothes while sitting on bed and leave them in a pile. • Walk naked to bathroom, if wife seen, shake knob at her while shouting, WHEY - HEY!!. • Look in mirror and suck in gut to see your manly physique. • Admire size of knob in mirror, scratch bollocks and smell fingers for one last whiff. • Get in shower. • Don't bother to look for wash cloth, don't need one. • Wash face. • Wash armpits. • Laugh at how loud farts sound in shower. • Wash bollocks and surrounding area. • Wash arse, leaving hair on soap. • Shampoo hair but do not use conditioner. • Make Mohican hairstyle with shampoo, pull back curtain to see self in mirror. • Piss in shower. • Rinse off and get out of shower, fail to notice water on floor because shower curtain outside bath for whole shower time. • Partially dry off. • Look at self in mirror, flex muscles and admire size of knob again. • Leave bathroom light and fan on. • Return to bedroom with towel round waist, if you pass wife, pull off towel, grab knob, go, 'Yeah baby' and thrust pelvis at her. • Put on yesterday's clothes

14. If music be the food of love, then why don’t rabbits sing like f@?$

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