Cracking the Code: Effective Parenting through understanding your child’s motivations

1. Cracking the Code: Effective Parenting through understanding your child’s motivations Mary B. Moore, LCSW Southeast Psych, Inc. southeastpsych.com

2. What is motivation? • internal state or condition that activates behavior and gives it direction • desire or want that energizes and directs goal-oriented behavior • influence of needs on the intensity and direction of behavior.

3. All Behavior is motivated Each child (and adult) has a unique pattern of forces that motivates him or her. What inspires one person, may be totally ineffective for another. Just as teachers tailor instructional methods to meet the academic needs of each student, we as parents must also use a variety of motivational techniques to guide and bring out the best in our children.

4. “If there is anything that we wish to change in a child, we should first examine it and see whether it is not something that could be better changed in ourselves.”Carl Jung

5. Research dictates that the learning process begins and is reinforced with motivation Without motivation, there is NO learning Discipline does not exist without teaching and LEARNING.

6. The Key Foundation to Effective Parenting is to seek to truly understand and parent according to your child’s • Unique strengths & abilities • Motivational needs & drives

7. The 3 Steps to Effective Parenting Step 1: Understand Step 2: Plan Step 3: Do the 4 P’s (Proactive, Practice, Positive Reinforcement, Penalty) One size does not fit all

8. Step 1: Seek to Understand • Who is your child? Temperament, personality, likes & dislikes, special needs/issues • What is occurring? • Where is it occurring? Home, school, athletic fields, in public, private? • Whenis it occurring? Morning, afternoon, evening? Certain situations? • Whyis the behavior occurring? What is the motivation, function or goal of the behavior?

9. Understanding your child: A Closer Look… Temperament: Easy, Slow to Warm, Feisty Personality: Introvert – get energy from within (thinking, problem-solving) Extroverts- get energy from outside (people, stimulating environment) Special needs/issues: ADHD Anxiety Autism Spectrum Sensory Processing Issues Significant events: Trauma, abuse, loss Basic needs met? Slept? Ate? Sick? Allergies?

10. Most children share the common need to: • Belong and be accepted (attention) • Have power and control • Have freedom and independence (to rebel) • Have fun

11. What is the function of the problem behavior? What is my child trying to achieve? • avoiding something • getting something • making something happen • releasing anxiety or anger

12. Core Needs driving behavior

13. When and Where does your child display the desirable behavior? While engaged in his/her special interest? Why? Because it fulfills his/her individual needs for fun/pleasure, independence, belonging, power, and control. Because your child feels mastery. When you can incorporate needs, strengths, interests, and mastery into a previously opposed task, chances of successful compliance increase.

14. How analyze the behavior trends using ABC Note: You can analyze positive and negative behaviors with this model.

15. Step 2: Plan Identify specific target behaviors (2-3) phrased in the positive: Completing Homework Expressing your feelings appropriately

16. Identifying the Positive Opposite Behavior (desirable alternative skill) Negative Behavior Positive Opposite Say nice things Good tone of voice Stand straight, good eye contact Expressing feelings appropriately, using calming techniques. Following directions first time asked Complete homework • Rude or mean talk • Sarcastic • Slouching, poor eye contact • Tantrums, aggression • Not following directions • Procrastinating

17. If you keep doing what you’ve always done, you will keep getting what you’ve always got. Change in Antecedents and Consequences = Change in Behavior

18. Step 3: Doing the 4 P’s • Proactive approach • Practice the new skill (desirable behavior) • Positive Reinforcement • Penalty

19. Be Proactive • Rules & Routines • Give Good Clear Instructions • Actively Ignore mild behaviors (whining, rude noises, pleading, 1st refusals/complaints) • Contracts, Point Charts, & Token Systems provide clear behavior expectations and associated rewards • Be a Good Role Model! * Children learn far more from what is seen & experienced than what is said to them.

20. Be Proactive… Change the antecedents according to the child’s needs: • give advance warnings • avoid trigger situations • provide positive attention early • “Feed the need” early and often Power: give choices, responsibility, leadership Fun: play, humor, turn directions into a game “Beat the Clock” Independence: encourage self-reliance; give projects Belonging: use team approach

21. Mary’s Point Chart Grab bag = 2 points Special activity w/ parent=2 points Extra 15 minute bedtime=4 points Choosing family dinner=6 points Screen time=6 points Going out for ice cream= 8 points New Lip Gloss= 16 points Getting up by 6:30 am = 1 point Dressed & downstairs by 6:50 am= 1 point Brush teeth = 1 point At the bus stop by 7:15 am = 1 point

22. Setting Limits – A simply stated directive with associated consequence • Use a pleasant, matter-of-fact tone • Be consistent and follow through • Use “Thinking words” versus “ Fighting words”

23. Practice the new skill Whatever the function of the misbehavior, it is crucial and most effective to teach them a better way to get what they want. New coping, problem-solving, conflict-management and social skills can be taught, reinforced, and measured.

24. Teach a more appropriate way to achieve the goal:

25. Keys to learning a new skill: • Prompt, Practice, Praise! • Prompt, Practice, Praise! • Prompt, Practice, Praise! • Prompt, Practice, Praise! • (repeat)

26. Positive Reinforcement • Any behavior that is reinforced, either positively or negatively will be repeated • Research shows that positive reinforcement is more effective than punishment (penalty) to change behavior • Positive Reinforcers include • Praise & affirmations • Thumbs up, hugs, high 5’s • Your time & attention (games, activity) • Privileges (late bedtime, King for the Night) • Points, tokens, stars, stickers • Material rewards – small toy, money, food treat

27. A word about praise and affirmations: Praise with description is good… …it is BETTER with an added Affirmation: “… You are a thoughtful brother.” “…You are very independent/responsible.” “…You are really in control.” • “ Good job taking turns with your brother…” • “I really liked how you got yourself dressed and cleaned for school this morning. Thank you….” • “I noticed you walked away to cool off when you were getting annoyed with your little sister. Nice work ….”

28. Praise with affirmations • nurtures a sense of success and mastery • strengthens positive self-esteem • fosters intrinsic motivation * The only long term motivator of human behavior is success. * Mastery fuels Motivation.

29. Penalties & Punishment • Punishment like tangible rewards may result in temporary behavior change, but does little to foster internal motivation. Penalties must be: • Age appropriate • Fit the “crime” • Time-Limited • Imposed immediately *Remain calm *Do not lecture *Disapprove of the behavior, not the child.

30. Examples of Penalties & Punishments • Loss of privilege (computer, video, TV Time) • Loss of a toy or possession • Early bedtime • Right the wrong • Penalty “hard” chore (cleaning the garage, washing all baseboards/window sills) • Time Out Note: Loss of special events or commitments is not recommended (e.g. Bday party, athletic practice or game, music lessons)

31. Parent with a Plan

32. Our Parenting Plan My child’s strengths: Interests: Motivational drives:

33. Final thoughts…. “A Jedi gains power through understanding and a Sith gains understanding through power.” ChancellorPalpatine (aka Darth Sidious) Star Wars Episode III: Revenge of the Sith