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Marjorie Shore M.S.W. The Coaching Clinic margie@coachingclinic.com 416-787-5555 www.coachingclinic.com/tcc. I’m Listening. Learning Objectives. Enhance leadership ability Review coaching skills Key skills: Coaching relationship Process Communication

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slide1

Marjorie Shore M.S.W.

The Coaching Clinic

margie@coachingclinic.com

416-787-5555

www.coachingclinic.com/tcc

I’m Listening

slide2

Learning Objectives

  • Enhance leadership ability
  • Review coaching skills
  • Key skills:
    • Coaching relationship
    • Process
    • Communication
    • Listen in order to script motivating messages
    • Giving and getting feedback
    • Participative and empathetic listening
    • Ask the right question with a positive and motivating script
leading vs managing
Leading

Aim is positive change

Setting direction

Aligning people to vision

Motivating

Coaching

Leading vs. Managing
  • Managing
  • Aim is predictable, orderly results
    • Organizing
    • Staffing
    • Planning
    • Budgeting
    • Solving problems

Managers are responsible for implementing a plan.

Leaders grow the dream and enroll people to help achieve it.

focus on your goals
Focus on your Goals
  • If we were meeting here three years from today and all was going very well in your coaching role, how would you describe your vision of you as a coach?
  • Describe what you see as if through the lens of a camera.
definitions coaching counseling mentoring training
Definitions: Coaching, Counseling, Mentoring, & Training
  • Coaching focuses on improving skills.
    • Can address issues of know how, know when, know why, motivation, time, distraction, priorities, support.
  • Counseling is coaching that focuses on peace

of mind.

  • Mentoring is coaching about career and relationships with people and the organization.
  • Training is skill building from the ground up.

“Coaching is cultivation, like gardening” Peter Senge

coaching process one model
Coaching Process – One Model
  • Prepare in Advance
  • Agree on Goals
  • Be a Map Maker
  • Coach
  • Review and Decide Next Steps
  • Dissolve Contract
five ways to communicate better
Five Ways to Communicate Better
  • Consider compromise.
  • Another person's view of reality may be as real as your own.
  • Never assume that you know what the other person is thinking, or what they have done.
  • Check out your assumptions.
    • Ask questions.
    • Do not correct another's statement of his/her feelings.
  • Be specific when you introduce a comment.
five more ways to communicate better
Five More Ways to Communicate Better

6. Ask for a reasonable change.

7. Try substituting "and" for "but".

  • "But" tends to negate anything that went

before.

  • "And" includes both sides of the statement.

8. Ensure that your body language is congruent with

your message.

9. When receiving constructive feedback, consider it

carefully and with a balanced approach.

10. Remember that others’ opinions of you are not always true.

listening skills
Listening Skills
  • Be physically attentive to be charismatic.
    • Don’t do anything else; just listen.
    • Make eye contact; smile.
    • Use vocal acknowledgment:
      • Words like “Yes, go on.”
      • Be curious.
    • Don’t judge; prepare a response or analyze.
listening skills10
Listening Skills
  • Participate to acknowledge you’ve heard.
    • Clarify; ensure you have the same understanding

of words and concepts.

    • Paraphrase; ask if they agree with your understanding.

e.g., “If I understand you correctly . . . ” or

“It sounds like . . .”

    • Confirm that you are both agree on the same definition

of the problem.

role models
Role Models
  • Active listening appears to be a hidden ingredient of success in the workplace.
  • Think about a few successful people you have known.
  • When and how do they demonstrate active listening?
being present
Being Present
  • Emotions distract people in the workplace.
  • To work, to learn, and to create community,

we must be present.

  • Being present means being aware and in control of your emotions.
  • Listen to your inner thoughts and uncover if there are any that are distracting you now.
being present14
Being Present
  • Close your eyes.
  • Create an image that represents distraction.
  • Give it color, shape and texture.
  • Change it to something that would help you be present today.
empathic listening
Empathic Listening
  • Listen for feelings and undertones.
    • Let the person speak.
    • Look for clues in body language.
    • Check for meaning whenever you don't understand.
    • Ask clarifying questions (sparingly) to help ensure shared understanding.
    • Be patient.
talk to your partner
Talk to your Partner
  • When you are the talker . . . TALK.
  • When you are the listener . . . LISTEN.
  • LISTENING
    • No talking
    • No opinions
    • No solutions
    • No judgments
questions for a cosmic date
Questions for a Cosmic Date
  • Who loves you and how do you know?
  • What do you do for fun?
  • What gives you a sense of worth?
  • Tell me about a change?
listening to others exercise self evaluation
Listening to Others Exercise Self-Evaluation
  • How did it feel being the speaker?
  • How did it feel being the listener?
  • Which was easier for you?
  • Why?
  • What is the most useful or important thing you have learned about listening?
giving and getting feedback exercise
Giving and Getting Feedback Exercise
  • What are the advantages of asking for feedback?
  • What reasons prevent us from asking for feedback?
  • What are the risks in giving criticism or negative feedback?
  • What can go wrong when feedback or criticism is avoided?
giving and getting feedback
Giving and Getting Feedback
  • Feedback is useful.
    • Opens opportunities to improve;
  • Constructive feedback:
    • Offers options;
    • Improves self-awareness;
    • Encourages learning.
the feedback dilemma
The Feedback Dilemma
  • Personal improvement depends on discovering and correcting mistakes.
    • Either by seeing the error or understanding what went wrong.
  • But we …
    • Ignore evidence when it causes trouble, pain or requires action.
    • Avoid the potential pain of “feeding back” to others.
tips for asking for feedback
Tips for Asking for Feedback
  • Who?: Invite feedback from people you trust

and respect.

  • What?: Ask for constructive feedback or

more details.

  • When?: Soon and when a considered and

constructive response is possible.

  • How?: Direct action will usually get respect.
  • Why?: Opens up honesty, gets new ideas, gets a new perspective, improves relationships.
tips for receiving feedback
Tips for Receiving Feedback
  • Listen to what is being said; not what you think is implied.
  • Acknowledge that you have heard and understood.
  • Evaluate the feedback: valid?, invalid? or a put-down?
    • Deal with put-downs right away.
    • Accept valid criticisms graciously.
    • Deal with invalid criticisms directly.
  • Parse: acknowledge what you agree with; separate and deal with what you don’t agree with.
tips for giving feedback
Tips for Giving Feedback
  • Set up rapport: Don’t burst; warm up first.
  • Positive with negative: Most people will respond better to a combination with positive first.
  • Be specific: Comment on observable behavior with examples to provide learning and options.
  • Empathize: See it from their point of view.
  • Keep calm: Use a steady and even voice, eye contact, body language consistent with the message.
  • Allow the other person space: Give the feedback. Don’t take responsibility for acceptance.
tips for giving feedback25
Tips for Giving Feedback
  • Take ownership of the feedback: Say “I think” not “you are”.
  • Criticize behavior not the person: Identify the behavior cleanly apart from the person.
  • Avoid (stereotype) comparisons.
  • Be aware that you are responsible for the decision to give or hold back feedback; you don’t control what they do with the feedback.
feedback exercise self evaluation
Feedback Exercise Self-Evaluation
  • How did it feel criticizing another person?
  • Was easier to give or get feedback?
  • Why do you find it hard to give or get feedback?
  • What is the most useful or important thing you have learned about handling feedback?
asking the right questions
Asking the Right Questions
  • Thoughtful questions elicit better information.
  • Try asking ...
    • Direct questions to gather facts: who?, what?, why?, when?, where? . . .
    • Open-ended questions to help people express goals, values, qualifications and feelings.
      • Hint: Open-ended questions cannot be answered

with a yes or no.

good questions for coaches
Open-ended – what?, how? questions

What do you want to do?

How did you arrive at . . . ?

What do you think might happen if . . . ?

What would that look like to you . . . ?

What concerns you

about . . . ?

What were you hoping for?

Good Questions for Coaches
  • Broadening Questions
  • What do you see?
  • Do you see . . . ?
  • Say more about that . . . ?
  • What happened when . . . ?
  • Could you tell me more about . . . ?
  • Explaining questions
  • What makes that upsetting?
  • How did you decideto . . . ?
good questions for coaches29
Clarifying questions

Can you give me examples of . . . ?

What does . . . look like to you?

What exactly do you mean?

When you say . . . what were you referring to?

Good Questions for Coaches
  • Exploring questions
  • What did you think when . . . ?
  • What concerns you about that?
  • What were you expecting?
generational differences in motivators
Generational Differences in Motivators
  • Motivators tend to be generation based.
  • What do we know about motivating the different generations?
where the generations clash motivation
Where the Generations Clash:Motivation

WhoWant

Veterans Satisfaction of job well done

Boomers Money, Title, Corner office

Generation X Freedom, Security

Nexus Work that has meaning for them

Source: When Generations Collide, Lancaster and Stillman

to understand adults examine their childhoods when they were ten
To understand adults, examine their childhoods (when they were ten):
  • Shared significant experiences
  • Parenting styles
  • Key messages
  • Cultural norms and behaviours
  • Trends and fads
  • Social values, structures
  • Roles and responsibilities
nexus boomers in context
Nexus/Boomers in Context

BOOMER

  • In person preferred
  • Process as well as product
  • The personal is private
  • You can control your future
  • Work comes first
  • Money speaks
  • Managed by team leader
  • Focused
  • Clarity of message is critical
  • Options shrinking

NEXUS

  • Remote and wireless
  • Instant everything
  • The personal is public
  • Nothing is certain but uncertainty
  • Life is for living
  • Time is money/currency
  • Self - Managed
  • Multi-tasking in multi- channel
  • Multi-message, multi-media world
  • Possibilities opening up
employee characteristics
EmployeeCharacteristics

NEXUS

  • Global travelers, mobile
  • Looking for fast feedback, recognition and rewards
  • Want balance as they define it
  • Satisfaction is key
  • Multi-taskers extraordinaire
  • Continuous change energizes
  • Compensation public

BOOMERS

  • Global travelers, mobile
  • Feedback if necessary
  • Balance if possible
  • Success is key
  • Multi-task if required
  • Continuous change exhausts
  • Compensation very private
communicating across generations
Communicating Across Generations

NEXUS

  • Encouragement
    • Everyone teaches
    • Share practices and information; not rules
  • Engagement
    • Inspire them to identify problems and solve them
  • Challenge & Choice
    • Expose them to possibilities
    • Give choices

Source : Rainmaker Thinking, Tulgan

BOOMER

  • Encouragement
    • Leaders Lead
    • Clear rules and consequences
  • Engagement
    • Inspire them to follow directions
  • Challenge & Choice
    • Offer options
    • Give direction
how i will put this learning into practice
How I Will Put This Learning into Practice
  • New learning needs practice.
  • How will you use the learning today in your work every day?