COMN 2111 FINAL EXAM REVIEW NOTES Lecture 23
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TWO ICONS TO NOTICE AS I LECTURE • MEANS THIS IS A SHORT ANSWER • MEANS THAT THIS CONCEPT IS SPECIFICALLY REFERRED TO OR COULD BE USED IN AN ESSAY R
COMMUNICATION EFFECTIVNESS: SKILLS ABOUT SKILLS • We often don’t respond effectively to others when we feel challenged • Since most of our naturalresponses are automatic, over-learned, unconscious, we need to be conscious and manage our reactions • How? By becoming • MINDFUL • FLEXIBLE • METACOMMUNICATORS
IF WE DON’T CONSCIOUSLY MANAGE OUR TALK • We automatically enact the 7th axiom of interpersonal communication • We speak defensively
R DEFENDING THE CONCEPTUAL SYSTEM OF THE SELF • DENIAL: REFUSE TO ADMIT THREAT IS RELEVANT TO SELF OR ASSUME IT CAN BE POSTPONED • AVOIDANCE: REFUSING TO FACE THREAT; NOT BEING IN SITUATION WHERE YOU MIGHT HAVE TO DEAL WITH IT • RATIONALIZATION: MOST COMMON: MAKING EXCUSES, EXPLAINING AWAY THREATS • INTELLECTUALIZATION: ENGAGING IN DETACHED ANALYSES OF THREATENING PROBLEMS • PROJECTION: OPPOSITE OF BURYING INSIDE, ATTRIBUTE THREATENING FEELINGS TO SOMEONE ELSE • REGRESSION:REVERT TO EARLIER MORE CHILDLIKE STATE • Selected Readings Book
R We Fail To Notice Our Emotional Communication Transactional Analysis (TA) TA connects needs to patterns of external behavior Internal ego states produce outward behavior to evoke appropriate response from others: • The parent - critical or controlling , standard setting, nuturant • The adult - problem solver-information getter • The child -spontaneous (+) and (-), little professor, adapted • The words/sounds of the "voices" of the ego states • Chap. 7 textbook • Paralanguage – sound of your voice shapes meaning of words and shows your emotional “position” in an exchange with another
We Don’t Give Each Other “Good Information” • “Good” – means truthful, accurate, relevant, understandable • So we both can make an informed choice • And act from commitment not coercion or manipulation
R WE CHANGE THE EMOTIONAL BIDDING IN OUR CONNECT TALK • TURNING TOWARD: + REACTION TO O’S BID • TURNING AGAINST: - REACTION TO O’S BID • TURNING AWAY: o IGNORE O’S BID
R Assumptions Behind CONNECT, C.O.N.T.R.O.L. And D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. Talk
R Connect Talk • Basic agreement, no tension, expectations clear basic agreement, no tension, expectations clear • Simple descriptions of other’s behavior and of events • Joking, story telling • Routine description of self • Actions, preferences, opinions, beliefs • Voice tone relaxed
C.O.N.T.R.O.L. Talk Assumptions • I must manage the other or situation to maintain my face • I persist - you change • My story is obvious and is the truth • Truth based on real data - my data • I have access to all the data • As C.O.N.T.R.O.L. Talk gets heavy • I know what you meant – I tell you so • You are to blame
R D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. Talk Assumptions • Solve problem not save face -manage self not other • We both have to change • My story is my story - obvious only to me • You have your story - obvious only to you • I have all the data only when I listen to your story As D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. Deepens • You clarify your meaning –I don’t try to do it for you • How did we contribute to this situation?
R STYLE ELEMENTS OF D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. TALK STYLE ELEMENTS OF C.O.N.T.R.O.L. TALK C. Critical Judgment • I Talk From Critical Judgment of You or Complain about your action O. Offer Them New Information • You-Messages: Tell Them Their Story • Ask Questions To Probe For Agreement And/Or Understanding Of My Story • Listen For Leverage - For Agreement With Me Or Weakness In Their Story N. Negotiate A Change In Them • No/Low Acknowledgement Of Their Story • No/Low Support For Them T. Try Again (Repeat Yourself) Or • Terminate Talk Or • Take It Personally and(Move To Heavy C.O.N.T.R.O.L R. Righteous Anger/Indignation – Strong Emotions Drive Speech O. Overt Aggressive or Passive/Aggressive Talk • You-Messages: Attack Person Not Problem • Disguised Emotional Talk • Creates Defensiveness • Most Often Used As “Put Downs” Or Attacks, Ridiculing Humor L. Lay Blame • Description - communicate valid info • I-messages - own your story • Asking questions - 4W2H • Listening actively -show empathy • Open acknowledgement - 4 kinds • Genuine support - affirm, feedback • Understand First - suspend judgment • Emotional Self-Management -hot to cool
Listening Actively Is the Heart of D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. • GIVE UNDERSTANDING FEEDBACK • Reflect: paraphrase back to the speaker how you think they think or feel about the subject in order to let them know you’ve really listened. • Ask questions to get more information before you reflect. • AVOID THE FOUR DON’T’S • DON’T tell them what they should be thinking • DON’T tell your story • DON’T give your opinion or advice until they ask • DON’T debate. let them correct your reflection if they need to.
R I-Messages • Descriptive – Non Judgmental • About your own perceptions, feelings, thoughts • Open Acknowledgements • One of the most powerful I-messages • Build invisible connective bridge between in difficult situations • Acknowledge the other, the situation, your own feelings, etc.
R Fair Fighting Styles Elements • Effectively Express Feelings - “I -Messages” • Define Out Of Bounds Areas Of Vulnerability - No “Below The Belt” Talk • Say What Fight Is About And Stay Inside Limits • Focus On The Here And Now • Listen Actively - Agree To Paraphrase Other’s Arguments In Your Own Words and Other Does Same • Take It With Style • Focus On O’s Behavior And Ideas • Look For Where You And Other Agree • See How You Can Help Other Get Some Of What They Want
MODEL OF CONFLICT MANAGEMENT STYLES HI FORCING WIN-LOSE COLLABORATING WIN-WIN D.I.A.L.O.G.U.E. I M P O R T OF A N C E G O A L S COMPROMISING BOTH WIN- BOTH LOSE C.O.N.T.R.O.L. AVOIDING FEAR OF LOSE-LOSE ACCOMMODATING LOSE-WIN LO LO HI IMPORTANCE OF RELATIONSHIP (Text)
Gender and talk - Two views of the world (Lecture and Wood, Selected Readings) Men speak to discover who is in charge - high vs. Lows – competition • To establish autonomy relative to each other (compete to maintain it) • To negotiate status • Using ‘report talk’ Purpose of talk: Talk should accomplish something - solve a problem, so give advice, take a stand • Their “taken for granted” world is one of hierarchy and control
R Gender and talk - Continued Women speak to discover who is connected - close vs. Far – connection • To establish their connection to each other (cooperate to maintain it) • To negotiate intimacy • Using ‘rapport talk’ (connect talk) Purpose of talk: Talk should connect people - deal with feelings, personal • ideas, build relationships • Their “taken-for-granted” world is based on closeness and distance
R BASES OF HUMAN ATTRACTION • Attraction develops from proximity and similarity in the following situations: • Perceived Reciprocity of Liking • Attraction to others can depend on whether you feel that the people you like also like you - SIMILARITY • Another’s “liking” increases your self-worth you return the compliment with reciprocal liking. • Complementary needs • Attraction is also somewhat based on COMPLEMENTARITY as well as similarity • Dominance/submission, protection/dependence, talk/silence
Relationship building: Trust and self-disclosure • The Johari Window BLIND OPEN HIDDEN UNKNOWN
Life cycle of relationships Coming together • Initiating • Experimenting • Intensifying • Integrating • Bonding Coming apart • Differentiating • Circumscribing • Stagnating • Avoiding • Terminating
R GOTTMAN’S MARRIAGE DISSOLUTION CASCADE“Coming Apart” Repeated • Complaining and criticizing leads to • Contempt in sender, which leads to • Defensiveness in receiver which leads to • Listener Withdrawal from interaction (stonewalling).
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