Conflict Resolution in the BDSM Community

1. Conflict Resolution in the BDSM Community Alexia AKA Truth or Dare alexia@sscn.org

2. About Me • I have the training • I have the experience • But I’m still human! Safe, Sane, and Consensual Network (SSCN)

3. About This Presentation • Main goals are to help: • Change how we view conflict • Keep our community together • Get things done • Not part of this presentation: • Relationship counseling • Group hugs (group sex is OK) • Quick preview of what’s coming Safe, Sane, and Consensual Network (SSCN)

4. Conflict Resolution • What’s the first thing that comes to mind when I say “conflict”? • What about when I say “conflict resolution”? Safe, Sane, and Consensual Network (SSCN)

5. So, What is Conflict? (And Why Define It?) • It’s inevitable • It’s based on: • Diversity and differences • Needs • Perceptions • Power • Values and principles • Feelings and emotions • Internal conflicts Safe, Sane, and Consensual Network (SSCN)

6. What Do I Mean by Conflict Resolution? • It does not mean eliminating differences, needs, perceptions, power, and so on • Let’s view it as something that: • Helps us get things done • Helps us understand and improve our relationships and ourselves Safe, Sane, and Consensual Network (SSCN)

7. How Is Conflict Resolution Different for Us? • We have some specific challenges • But we also have some special strengths Safe, Sane, and Consensual Network (SSCN)

8. Challenges • We have a common interest in Power Exchange • “My kink is better than your kink” attitudes hurt us all • We tend to be somewhat incestuous • Cliques are a challenge anywhere • We are a diverse group • We are human • Others? Safe, Sane, and Consensual Network (SSCN)

9. Strengths • We have a common interest in Power Exchange • D/s is all about managing conflict • T3WD encourages communication • We encourage safe, sane, consensual behavior • We encourage open-mindedness • We are interested in knowing ourselves • Others? Safe, Sane, and Consensual Network (SSCN)

10. What Doesn’t Work? • Defeating your opponent • Avoiding the conflict • Bargaining • Going for the quick fix • Relating as a persona, not a person (non-consensual topping) • Getting others involved (unless they can really help facilitate) Safe, Sane, and Consensual Network (SSCN)

11. Principles for Resolving and Preventing Conflicts • Concentrate on “we” • Look to improve the whole relationship • Look for mutual benefits Safe, Sane, and Consensual Network (SSCN)

12. Steps to Resolve Conflicts Part I • Create an effective atmosphere • Clarify perceptions • Understand needs Safe, Sane, and Consensual Network (SSCN)

13. Steps to Resolve Conflicts Part II • Share power • Keep the past and future in mind • Generate options • Identify actions to take • Review Safe, Sane, and Consensual Network (SSCN)

14. Preventing Pointless Conflicts • Why “pointless”? • Understand and remain sensitive to the things that contribute to a conflict • Focus on the principles, not the personalities • If you are caught in the middle of a conflict, try to help the parties involved use some of these skills by using them yourself Safe, Sane, and Consensual Network (SSCN)

15. Summary • Key points • Resources • Questions? • ~The End~ Safe, Sane, and Consensual Network (SSCN)