Pathfinder Raising Responsible Children

1. PathfinderRaising Responsible Children Created by James J. Messina, Ph.D.

2. Pathfinder • P Principles • A Activating • T Tracking • H Hugging • F Formulating • I Intervening • N Negotiating • D Discussing • E Establishing • R Releasing

3. Parenting Principles • A • T • H • F • I • N • D • E • R

4. Pathfinder’s Foundational Principle • TEA System Based Principles • Thoughts - must get rational • Emotions - must feel more rational • Actions - take Actions only after Thoughts and Emotions are rational and in synch

5. Healthy priorities Let go of fantasies Unique individuals Autonomy No triangulation Win win solutions Parents are leaders Healthy boundaries No entitlement Mutual respect No overprotection Empathize Have fun Be creative Curb temper Describe negative behaviors not kids Parenting Principles I

6. Catch child being good Ignore negatives Listen to behaviors Communicate Feelings are choice Don’t force lies Let kids be kids Give kids choices Use consequences Be consistent Follow through Be assertive Avoid cloning Let go of guilt Forgive yourself no overcompensating Parenting Principles II

7. Use detachment Love unconditionally Healthy sexuality no stereotyping Leadership potential Healthy lifestyle Promote spirituality Promote world view Career mindedness Adapt for specialKidz No perfectionism Be authentic No family secrets Admit mistakes Seek out help Advocate for kids Parenting Principles III

8. P • Activating Self-Esteem • T • H • F • I • N • D • E • R

9. Activating Self-Esteem • Developmental focus over kid’s lifetime • Encourage personal responsibility taking • Promote productive lifestyles • Unconditional love and acceptance • Life skills training and building • Respect as individuals • Encourage self-direction

10. P • A • Tracking Structures • H • F • I • N • D • E • R

11. Self-care Environment Chores Electronics Family phone Time management Finances Recreation Academics Outside relationships Family relationships Family meetings Tracking Structures

12. P • A • T • Hugging for Bonding • F • I • N • D • E • R

13. Hugging for Bonding • Build sense of security • Give sense of being wanted • Establish healthy self-worth • Use physical touch and hugs • Use verbal touches and hugs • Transmit unconditional love • Create emotional connectedness

14. P • A • T • H • Formulating Consequences • I • N • D • E • R

15. Formulating Consequences • Natural consequences are best • Logical consequences next best • Thinking person’s method of discipline • Enforce the consequences with no screaming, yelling, ranting or raving • Get them recognized, agreed to, contracted, outlined and recorded • Then remind and enforce them

16. P • A • T • H • F • Intervening in Kids’ Losses • N • D • E • R

17. Intervene in Kids’ Losses • Coping with divorce • Coping with step parents & families • Death of parent, sibling or close relative • Surviving physical/sexual abuse • Parent/sibling with substance abuse • Coping with disability in self or sibling • Coping with disasters or failures

18. P • A • T • H • F • I • Negotiating and Advocating for Kids • D • E • R

19. Negotiating & Advocating • Linkage, Brokering, Mobilization, Activating with: • teachers and school officials • coaches and activity leaders • community officials • members of extended family • non-supportive, non-pathfinder parent

20. P • A • T • H • F • I • N • Discussing and Communicating • E • R

21. Discussing & Communicating I • Focus on feelings • Don’t be parallel listener • Don’t jump to assumptions • Don’t compete as to who knows more • Listen effectively • Respond with understanding • Use “I” statements not “You” statements

22. Discussing & Communicating II • Clarify what child is saying • Do not belittle or make fun of child • Do not put words in child’s mouth • Make time for discussions with child • Maintain sense of humor with child • Describe behaviors not the child as being unacceptable

23. Discussing & Communicating III • Stay focused on the “here and now” • Control temper in discussions • Use “open ended” questions • Do not use “door closer” statements • Be rational in all discussions • Do not make comparisons to other kids • Help point out when child’s actions are not consistent with child’s words

24. P • A • T • H • F • I • N • D • Establishing Healthy Boundaries • R

25. Establishing Healthy Boundaries I • Maintain healthy intimacy • Do not get emotionally hooked • Release anger in healthy ways • Respect each other’s personal rights • Establish clear, mutually agreed upon, and recorded limits and boundaries • Enforce the boundaries

26. Maintain individual identity No scarcity principle Get rid of guilt Know difference between love and sympathy Ignore helplessness & neediness of kids Get rid of need to be needed Don’t wait for time to make it better Don’t personalize child’s problems Let go of fear of negative outcomes No idealism or fantasy thinking Establishing Healthy Boundaries II

27. Establishing Healthy Boundaries III • Put limits on time focused solely on kids • Put limits on money spent only on kids • Put limits on use of external resources used only on kids • Put limits on use of internal resources used only on kids • Put limits on emotions spent only on kids

28. P • A • T • H • F • I • N • D • E • Releasing Shame and Guilt

29. Releasing Shame & Guilt • Let go of anger in healthy ways • Let go of need to control, fix & change • Let go of guilt for not being perfect • Let go of shame for past failings • Self forgiveness for mistakes you have made with kids

30. Children Learn WhatThey Live • If a child lives with criticism, he learns to condemn • If a child lives with hostility, he learns to fight • If a child lives with ridicule, he learns to feel shy • If a child lives with shame he learns to feel guilty

31. If a child lives with tolerance, he learns to be patient • If a child lives with encouragement, he learns confidence • If a child lives with praise, he learns to appreciate • If a child lives with fairness, he learns justice • If a child lives with security, he learns to have faith • If a child lives with approval, he learns to like himself • If a child lives with acceptance and friendship, he learns to find love in the world.