The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work

1. The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work By John Gottman & Nan Silver

2. New Research by Gottman:Everything we thought were real reasons why marriages don’t work. • In the past marriage research has indicated these are the reasons couples divorce, but all are in fact MYTHS. • 1. Neuroses or personality problems ruin marriages. • 2. Common interests keep you together. • 3. You scratch my back and… • 4. Avoiding conflict will ruin your marriage. • 5. Affairs are the root cause of divorce. • 6. Men are not biologically build for marriage. • 7. Men and Women are from different planets.

3. Most marriage therapy hasn’t worked in the past because: • It has been based on: a. A Therapist’s training b. Intuition c. Family History d. Religious convictions The truth of the matter is it has not been based on Scientific fact.

4. What really makes a marriage work? • “At the heart of my program is the simple truth that happy marriages are based on a deep friendship. By this I mean a mutual respect for and enjoyment of each other’s company. These couples tend to know each other intimately—they are well versed in each other’s likes, dislikes, personality quarks, hopes and dreams. They have an abiding regard for each other and express this fondness not just in the big ways but in little ways day in and day out.” -John Gottman

5. What predicts divorce? • Gottman says he is able to predict divorce “ …based in part on my analysis of these couples and their interactions.” In come the signs of a potentially troubled marriage and the Four Horsmen.

6. The First Sign: A Harsh Startup • Gottman observes in the beginning phases of a conversation either spouse may immediately go into it with negative or accusatory words. • Conversations that start harshly frequently end the same way with nothing resolved. • An outcome can actually be determined on the first 3 minutes of a 15 minute conversation!

7. The Second Sign: The Four Horsemen(These can bring a marriage to an end hence why Gottman dubbed them The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse) • The four horsemen are classified as four forms of negativity ,that, if are allowed to run rampant are deadly to relationships. • 1. Critcism • 2. Contempt • 3. Defensiveness • 4. Stonewalling

8. Critcism • Criticism includes throwing in negative words to a complaint that specifically takes a stab at your partner’s personality or character. (“What is wrong with you?”) • Example: A Complaint: “James I’m a little upset you didn’t take the trash out last night. We agreed we would take turns doing it. Criticism: “James why are you so forgetful? I loathe taking out the trash when it’s your turn! You just don’t care!”

9. Contempt • Contempt often includes heavy sarcasm and cynicism and is considered the worst of the four horsemen. • This can include name-calling, eye-rolling, sneering, mockery and hostile humor. • The short definition would be anything that conveys disgust. • Belligerence as contempt. Belligerence is a form of aggressive anger due to it’s containing provocation or threats. • Contempt usually stems from long-harbored negative thoughts about your partner, or, issues that have never been resolved.

10. Defensiveness • Defensiveness is really a way of blaming your partner. It’s “The problem isn’t me it’s you.” • Defensiveness can escalate conflict. Instead of the attacking spouse backing off and being understanding their attack usually increases.

11. Stonewalling • Stonewalling occurs when either partner becomes so flooded whether it be with criticism, contempt, etc. that they make look down, avoid eye contact and not respond at all. • This is an understandable “out” to a conversation when the partner feels they have no other options.

12. The Third Sign: Flooding • Those who stonewall are, in effect, protecting themselves from flooding. Flooding means that your spouse’s negativity whether it was contempt, criticism or defensiveness was so overwhelming it left you in a shell-shocked state. • In feeling very defenseless and to avoid further attacks or replays of negative conversations the partner will do whatever they can to protect themselves and that can be to “disengage.” This can be stonewalling or the relationship is that bad that divorce occurs.

13. The Fourth Sign: Body Language • Gottman was able to predict some divorces just by looking at the physiological readings. Reason 1 for Divorce: They signal that at least one partner feels severe emotional distress when dealing with the other. Reason 2 for Divorce: The physical sensations that accompany being flooded-increased heart rate and sweating greatly prohibit being able to have a problem solving conversation. “Your ability to process information is reduced, meaning it’s harder to pay attention to what your partner is saying. “ Flight or flight mode is the last remaining function you have. The conversation will likely worsen at this point.

14. The Fifth Sign: Failed Repair Attempts Either partner may try to make amends in a conversation by trying to ease tension perhaps by making a joke, chuckling or simply saying “Wait, I need to calm down,” or “Let’s take a break.”

15. The Sixth Sign: Bad Memories • If asked to recall how, for example, a couple’s wedding went, instead of focusing on the good things all they can remember is everything that went wrong. (the bad stuff)

16. Principle #1 Enhance Your Love Map

17. To Know You is to Love You • This entails learning the likes and dislikes of your spouse amongst other things. How well do you really know your spouse? • Sample questions you might ask your spouse: 1. Name my 2 closest friends. 2. Where was I born? 3. What would be my ideal job? 4. What is my favorite meal? 5. What do I fear the most?

18. Principle #2 Nurture Your Fondness & Admiration

19. An Antidote to Contempt • Remind yourself and your spouse of their good qualities. What do you love about them? What do your admire about them? True or False to ask yourself: • I can easily list three things I admire about my partner. • I am really proud of my partner. • I can easily tell you why I married my partner. • If I had to do it all over again I would marry the same person.

20. Principle #3 Turn Towards Each Other Instead of Away

21. How do we respond? • Are we emotionally engaged when talking to each other? Gottman calls these “bids” for a partner’s attention, affection humor or support. • A good response by a husband to his wife when she says “I had a really bad nightmare last night,” would be “I‘m in a hurry but tell me about it now and we’ll talk about it tonight.” Rather than “I don’t have time.” The husband, though in a hurry says enough to show he cares and is listening.

22. Principle #4 Let Your Partner Influence You

23. Decisions, decisions. • Decisions ought to me made together between partners, neither should be dominant in making them. • Dana Kehrmakes this comment about letting his wife influence him. “I wouldn’t think about making a decision she disagreed with. That would be very disrespectful. We talk and talk about it until we both agree and then I make a decision.” • Both husband and wife must respect each other. Gottman notes many men resist letting their wives influence them.

24. Accepting Influence • True/False Questions to ask yourself: • 1. I usually learn a lot from my spouse even when we disagree. • My partner usually has good ideas. • My partner is usually too emotional. • If I keep trying to convince my partner, I will eventually win out.

25. Principle #5 Solve Your Solvable Problems

26. Not Following the Expert Rules of Communication: A New Model for Resolving Conflict • 1. Soften your startup. • 2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts. • 3. Soothe yourself and each other. • 4. Compromise. • 5. Be tolerant of each other’s faults.

27. Principle #6 Overcome Gridlock

28. The Stuff Dreams are Made of… • Dreams for a marriage or life could be any number of things; Unity with nature, sense of freedom, quietness, Asking God for Forgiveness, Travel or Building something important. • Gottman notes: “All of these dreams are beautiful. None of them are inherently bad for a marriage. But they can cause problems if they are hidden or not respected by your spouse.”

29. Principle #7 Create Shared Meaning

30. Creating a Culture • A culture is usually thought of in the sense of a large ethnic group or even a country. The truth is culture can be built in our own homes and marriages. • “A crucial goal of any marriage, therefore, is to create an atmosphere that encourages each person to talk honestly about his or her convictions. The more you speak candidly and respectfully to each other the more likely there is to be a blending of your sense of meaning.”

31. What meanings do we share? True or False to ask yourself or with spouse: • Holiday meals are very special and happy times for us. (or we both hate them) • We see eye to eye about the role of TV in our home. • When we run errands together we generally have a good time. • We see eye to eye about what home means.

32. The bottom line… • No book or therapist can solve all marital issues but putting the principles mentioned to work can definitely help! • Marriage is hard work and though change does not occur overnight change is possible! A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. -Lao-tzu