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When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn't get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out. Chuck Norris once ate a whole cake before his friends could tell him there was a stripper in it. Some people like to eat frogs' legs. Chuck Norris likes to eat lizard legs. Hence, snakes.

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When Chuck Norris calls 1-900 numbers, he doesn't get charged. He holds up the phone and money falls out.


There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.

When Chuck Norris was denied an Egg McMuffin at McDonald's because it was 10:35, he roundhouse kicked the store so hard it became a Wendy's.
Chuck Norris can't finish a "color by numbers" because his markers are filled with the blood of his victims. Unfortunately, all blood is dark red.

Scientists have estimated that the energy given off during the Big Bang is roughly equal to 1CNRhK (Chuck Norris Roundhouse Kick)


When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it won't be because he is gay. It will be because he has run out of women.


In honor of Chuck Norris, all McDonald's in Texas have an even larger size than the super-size. When ordering, just ask to be Chucksized.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.
Newton's Third Law is wrong: Although it states that for each action, there is an equal and opposite reaction, there is no force equal in reaction to a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.

When an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger was aired in France, the French surrendered to Chuck Norris just to be on the safe side.

Chuck Norris once sued the Houghton-Mifflin textbook company when it became apparent that their account of the War of 1812 was plagiarized from his autobiography.

When Steven Seagal kills a ninja, he only takes its hide. When Chuck Norris kills a ninja, he uses every part.


Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."


Chuck Norris doesn't shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.


For some, the left testicle is larger than the right one. For Chuck Norris, each testicle is larger than the other one.


Chuck Norris invented black. In fact, he invented the entire spectrum of visible light. Except pink. Tom Cruise invented pink.

when you re chuck norris anything anything is equal to one one roundhouse kick to the face

When you're Chuck Norris, anything + anything is equal to one. One roundhouse kick to the face.

Chuck Norris has the greatest poker face of all time. He won the 1983 World Series of Poker, despite holding only a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a two of clubs, a seven of spades and a green number four UNO card.
In the beginning there was nothing...then Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked that nothing in the face and said "Get a job." That is the story of the universe.
Archeologists unearthed an old English dictionary dating back to the year 1236. It defined "victim" as "one who has encountered Chuck Norris."

Chuck Norris and Mr. T walked into a bar. The bar was instantly destroyed, as that level of awesome cannot be contained in one building.


If you Google "Chuck Norris getting his ass kicked" you will generate zero results. It just doesn't happen.


Little known medical fact: Chuck Norris invented the Caesarean section when he roundhouse-kicked his way out of his mother's womb.

The show Survivor had the original premise of putting people on an island with Chuck Norris. There were no survivors, and nobody is brave enough to go to the island to retrieve the footage.
You know how they say if you die in your dream, then you will die in real life? In actuality, if you dream of death, Chuck Norris will find you and kill you.

The Bermuda Triangle used to be the Bermuda Square, until Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicked one of the corners off.

when chuck norris is in a crowded area he doesn t walk around people he walks through them

When Chuck Norris is in a crowded area, he doesn't walk around people. He walks through them.

James Cameron wanted Chuck Norris to play the Terminator. However, upon reflection, he realized that would have turned his movie into a documentary, so he went with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Thousands of years ago Chuck Norris came across a bear. It was so terrified that it fled north into the arctic. It was also so terrified that all of its descendants now have white hair.

It takes fourteen puppeteers to make Chuck Norris smile, but only two to make him destroy an orphanage.

Chuck Norris is responsible for China's overpopulation. He hosted a Karate tournament in Beijing and all women within 1,000 miles became pregnant instantly.
Chuck Norris once worked as a weatherman for the San Diego evening news. Every night he would make the same forecast: Partly cloudy with a 75% chance of pain.
chuck norris invented the bolt action rifle liquor sexual intercourse and football in that order

Chuck Norris invented the bolt-action rifle, liquor, sexual intercourse, and football-- in that order.


A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.


Chuck Norris keeps his friends close and his enemies closer. Close enough to drop them with one roundhouse kick to the face.

Scotty in Star Trek often says “Ye cannae change the laws of physics.” This is untrue. Chuck Norris can change the laws of physics. With his fists.

An anagram for Walker, Texas Ranger is KARATE WRANGLER SEX. I don't know what that is, but it sounds AWESOME.

chuck norris doesn t stub his toes he accidentally destroys chairs bed frames and sidewalks

Chuck Norris doesn't stub his toes. He accidentally destroys chairs, bed frames, and sidewalks.

Using his trademark roundhouse kick, Chuck Norris once made a field goal in RJ Stadium in Tampa Bay from the fifty yard line of Qualcomm stadium in San Diego.

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks don't really kill people. They wipe out their entire existence from the space-time continuum.

chuck norris does not own a stove oven or microwave because revenge is a dish best served cold

Chuck Norris does not own a stove, oven, or microwave , because revenge is a dish best served cold.


Tom Clancy has to pay royalties to Chuck Norris because The Sum of All Fears is the name of Chuck Norris' autobiography.

chuck norris built a better mousetrap but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door

Chuck Norris built a better mousetrap, but the world was too frightened to beat a path to his door.

The original draft of The Lord of the Rings featured Chuck Norris instead of Frodo Baggins. It was only five pages long, as Chuck roundhouse-kicked Sauron’s ass halfway through the first chapter.
Chuck Norris eats beef jerky and craps gunpowder. Then, he uses that gunpowder to make a bullet, which he uses to kill a cow and make more beef jerky. Some people refer to this as the "Circle of Life."
chuck norris is currently suing myspace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you

Chuck Norris is currently suing MySpace for taking the name of what he calls everything around you.

The crossing lights in Chuck Norris's home town say "Die Slowly" and "Die Quickly." They each have a picture of Chuck Norris punching or kicking a pedestrian.
chuck norris proved that we are alone in the universe we weren t before his first space expedition

Chuck Norris proved that we are alone in the universe. We weren't before his first space expedition.

The movie Delta Force was extremely hard to make because Chuck had to downplay his abilities. The first few cuts were completely unbelievable.

A study showed the leading causes of death in the United States are: 1. Heart disease 2. Chuck Norris3. Cancer

It's widely believed that Jesus was Chuck Norris' stunt double for crucifixion due to the fact that it is impossible for nails to pierce Chuck Norris' skin.

Along with his black belt, Chuck Norris often chooses to wear brown shoes. No one has DARED call him on it. Ever.


Ninjas want to grow up to be just like Chuck Norris. But usually they grow up just to be killed by Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris once sued Burger King after they refused to put razor wire in his Whopper Jr., insisting that actually is "his way."


The last thing you hear before Chuck Norris gives you a roundhouse kick? No one knows, because dead men tell no tales.

As a teen, Chuck Norris had sex with every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

Chuck Norris won Super Bowls VII and VIII single-handedly before unexpectedly retiring to pursue a career in ass-kicking.


"Icy-Hot" is too weak for Chuck Norris. After a workout, Chuck Norris rubs his muscles down with liquid-hot magma.


When Chuck Norris was a baby, he didn't suck his mother's breast. His mother served him whiskey, straight out of the bottle.


According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.


Chuck Norris once pulled out a single hair from his beard and skewered three men through the heart with it.

In an act of great philanthropy, Chuck made a generous donation to the American Cancer Society. He donated 6,000 dead bodies for scientific research.
When J. Robert Oppenheimer said "I am become death, the destroyer of worlds," he was not referring to the atomic bomb. He was referring to the Chuck Norris Halloween costume he was wearing.

Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull.

In a recent survey, it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Chuck Norris. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.
Chuck Norris invented a language that incorporates karate and roundhouse kicks. So next time Chuck Norris kicks your ass, don’t be offended or hurt. He may be just trying to tell you he likes your hat.

If Chuck Norris were a calendar, every month would be named Chucktober, and every day he'd kick your ass.

Fear is not the only emotion Chuck Norris can smell. He can also detect hope, as in "I hope I don't get a roundhouse kick from Chuck Norris."

MacGyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can roundhouse-kick his head through a wall and take it.

What’s known as the Ultimate Fighting Championship doesn’t use its full name, which happens to be “Ultimate Fighting Championship, non-Chuck Norris Division.”

Chuck Norris brushes his teeth with a mixture of iron shavings, industrial paint remover, and wood-grain alcohol.


There is endless debate about the existence of the human soul. Well it does exist, and Chuck Norris finds it delicious.

The U.S. did not boycott the 1980 Summer Olympics in Moscow due to political reasons. Chuck Norris killed the entire U.S. team with a single round house kick during Tae Kwon Do practice.

Chuck Norris began selling the Total Gym as an ill-fated attempt to make his day-to-day opponents less laughably pathetic.

do you know why baskin robbins only has 31 flavors because chuck norris doesn t like fudge ripple

Do you know why Baskin Robbins only has 31 flavors? Because Chuck Norris doesn't like Fudge Ripple.

google won t search for chuck norris because it knows you don t find chuck norris he finds you

Google won't search for Chuck Norris because it knows you don't find Chuck Norris--he finds you.

nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it chuck norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground

Nagasaki never had a bomb dropped on it. Chuck Norris jumped out of a plane and punched the ground.

It is scientifically impossible for Chuck Norris to have had a mortal father. The most popular theory is that he went back in time and fathered himself.

Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the element of surprise.


It is believed dinosaurs are extinct due to a giant meteor. That's true if you want to call Chuck Norris a giant meteor.


That's not Chuck Norris doing push-ups--that's Chuck Norris moving the Earth away from the path of a deadly asteroid.


Nothing can escape the gravity of a black hole, except for Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris eats black holes. They taste like chicken.


Q: How many Chuck Norris' does it take to change a light bulb? A: None. Chuck Norris prefers to kill in the dark.

chuck norris just says no to drugs if he said yes it would collapse colombia s infrastructure

Chuck Norris just says "no" to drugs. If he said "yes", it would collapse Colombia's infrastructure.


Since 1940, the year Chuck Norris was born, roundhouse-kick related deaths have increased thirteen thousand percent.

crime does not pay unless you are an undertaker following walker texas ranger on a routine patrol

Crime does not pay, unless you are an undertaker following Walker, Texas Ranger, on a routine patrol.

it is better to give than to receive this is especially true of a chuck norris roundhouse kick

It is better to give than to receive. This is especially true of a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.


Chuck Norris is the only person to ever win a staring contest against Ray Charles and Stevie Wonder at the same time.


"Brokeback Mountain" is not just a movie. It's also what Chuck Norris calls the pile of dead ninjas in his front yard.


Chuck Norris does not eat. Food understands that the only safe haven from Chuck Norris' fists is inside his own body.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris.


Chuck Norris is not capable of hitting a target on the broad side of a barn. Every time he tries, the whole damn barn falls down.

Before each filming of Walker, Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris is injected with fourteen times the lethal dose of elephant tranquilizer. This is, of course, to limit his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the fatality rate of the actors he fights.
when bruce banner gets mad he turns into the hulk when the hulk gets mad he turns into chuck norris

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris kills anyone that asks, "You want fries with that?" because by now everyone should know that Chuck doesn't ever want fries with anything. Ever.
chuck norris once kicked a horse in the chin its descendants are known today as giraffes

Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are known today as giraffes.

Human cloning is outlawed because if Chuck Norris were cloned, then it would be possible for a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick to meet another Chuck Norris roundhouse kick. Physicists theorize that this contact would end the universe.

Chuck Norris's version of a "chocolate milkshake" is a raw porterhouse wrapped around ten Hershey bars, and doused in diesel fuel.

If Chuck Norris roundhouse-kicks you, you will die. If Chuck Norris misses you with the roundhouse kick, the wind behind the kick will tear out your pancreas.

Chuck Norris puts his pants on one leg at a time, just like the rest of us. The only difference is then he kills people.

Contrary to popular belief, the Titanic didn't hit an iceberg. The ship was off course and accidentally ran into Chuck Norris while he was doing the backstroke across the Atlantic.
The original title for Alien vs. Predator was Alien and Predator vs Chuck Norris. The film was cancelled shortly after going into preproduction. No one would pay nine dollars to see a movie fourteen seconds long.

Chuck Norris’ sperm is so badass, he had sex with Nicole Kidman, and seven months later she prematurely gave birth to a Ford Excursion.


Maslow's theory of higher needs does not apply to Chuck Norris. He only has two needs: killing people and finding people to kill.


For most people, home is where the heart is. For Chuck Norris, home is where he stores his collection of human skulls.


Kryptonite has been found to contain trace elements of Chuck Norris roundhouse kicks to the face. This is why it is so deadly to Superman.

Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.

Chuck Norris doesn't look both ways before he crosses the street--he just roundhouses any cars that get too close.


Chuck Norris does not have to answer the phone. His beard picks up the incoming electrical impulses and translates them into audible sound.


How many roundhouse kicks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? Just one. From Chuck Norris.

The phrase "break a leg" was originally coined by Chuck Norris's co-stars in Walker, Texas Ranger as a good luck charm, indicating that a broken leg might be the worst extent of their injuries. This never proved to be the case.

If you rearrange the letters in "Chuck Norris," they also spell "Crush Rock In". The words "with his fists" are understood.

Give a man a fish, and you will feed him for a day. Give a man anything that is better than a fish, and Chuck Norris will beat his ass and take it.
Chuck Norris used to play baseball. When Babe Ruth was hailed as the better player, Chuck Norris killed him with a baseball bat to the throat. Lou Gehrig got off easy.

The phrase "balls to the wall" was originally conceived to describe Chuck Norris entering any building smaller than an aircraft hangar.

chuck norris roundhouse kick is so powerful it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye

Chuck Norris’ roundhouse kick is so powerful, it can be seen from outer space by the naked eye.

ozzy osbourne bites the heads off of bats chuck norris bites the heads off of siberian tigers

Ozzy Osbourne bites the heads off of bats. Chuck Norris bites the heads off of Siberian Tigers.


He who lives by the sword, dies by the sword. He who lives by Chuck Norris, dies by the roundhouse kick.


The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.


The phrase "dead ringer" refers to someone who sits behind Chuck Norris in a movie theater and forgets to turn their cell phone off.


Chuck Norris' roundhouse kick is so powerful, that on the set of Sidekicks he single-footedly destroyed Jonathan Brandis' career.

Staring at Chuck Norris for extended periods of time without proper eye protection will cause blindness, and possibly foot sized bruises on the face.
Chuck Norris does not kick ass and take names. In fact, Chuck Norris kicks ass and assigns the corpse a number. It is currently recorded to be in the billions.
little miss muffet sat on her tuffet until chuck norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier

Little Miss Muffet sat on her tuffet, until Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked her into a glacier.

They had to edit the first ending of Lone Wolf McQuade after Chuck Norris kicked David Carradine's ass, then proceeded to barbecue and eat him.
Chuck Norris was once on Jeopardy. This show is notable in that it was the first occasion in Jeopardy history that Alex Trebek had appeared without a mustache. Or a head.
Four out of five doctors fail to recommend Chuck Norris as a solution to most problems. Also, 80% of doctors die unexplained, needlessly brutal deaths.

The only sure things are Death and Taxes. When Chuck Norris goes to work for the IRS, they'll be the same thing.

the square root of chuck norris is pain do not try to square chuck norris the result is death

The square root of Chuck Norris is pain. Do not try to square Chuck Norris. The result is death.


Chuck Norris' testicles do not produce sperm. They produce tiny white ninjas that recognize only one mission: seek and destroy.

chuck norris has never been in a fight ever do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight

Chuck Norris has never been in a fight, ever. Do you call one roundhouse kick to the face a fight?

If you were somehow able to land a punch on Chuck Norris your entire arm would shatter upon impact. This is only in theory, since, come on, who in their right mind would try this?

Jean-Claude Van Damme once kicked Chuck Norris' ass. He was then awakened from his dream by a roundhouse kick to the face.

The pie scene in American Pie is based on a dare Chuck Norris took when he was younger. However, in Chuck Norris' case, the "pie" was the molten crater of an active volcano.
Those aren't credits that roll after Walker, Texas Ranger. It is actually a list of fatalities that occurred during the making of the episode.

According to the Bible, God created the universe in six days. Before that, Chuck Norris created God by snapping his fingers.


Chuck Norris doesn't believe in ravioli. He stuffs a live turtle with beef and smothers it in pig's blood.

count from one to ten that s how long it would take chuck norris to kill you forty seven times

Count from one to ten. That's how long it would take Chuck Norris to kill you. Forty seven times.

The 1972 Miami Dolphins lost one game. It was an exhibition game against Chuck Norris and three seven year old girls. Chuck Norris won with a roundhouse kick to the face in overtime.