Engaging the non-offending parent in a process of change

1. Engaging the non-offendingparent in a process of change Dr. Karen M. Nielsen, Registered Clinical Social Worker & Dr. Ann Marie Dewhurst Registered Psychologist

2. Two Stories • Cindy’s Story • Crystal’s Story • Reflect on your initial responses to the two stories. Write this down and park it for now. • What are your initial reactions to mom in each of the stories. • Physical • Emotional • Cognitive – thoughts and beliefs • Professional

3. After disclosure

4. However… • Three agendas • Therapeutic – to help support and protect the child. • Investigative – to find out “what happened” and decide parental competencies. • Judicial – to assist the judicial system to stop and charge the offender.

5. Creating Resistance • Where the agendas conflict the Investigative and Judicial agendas are privileged. • Parents understand this. • This can support resistance.

6. Non-offending Parental Responses Ambivalent Questioning Lost Unsure Frustrated Helpless Stressed Confused Distancing/ avoidant Working With Nurturing Expressive Seeking Engaging Collaborative Working Against Angry Overwhelmed Defiant “antisocial” Defensive Hopeless Rejecting / avoidant

7. Defining Resistance • Opposition to somebody or something. • Refusing to accept or comply with something. • Attempt to avoid damaging effects. • Attempt to maintain power or control. • Force opposing another force.

8. Fear • People are often afraid of what they don’t know or understand. • People are often afraid of what they might lose or what they might have to do. • People are not always confident in their ability to make change.

9. Fear and Resistance

10. Understanding the non-offending parent’s context

11. Expanding Context Adherence to female stereotype • Being a mother is life goal • Need a man • Belief in Prince Charming and Happy Ever After • Lack of voice and power Unsupportive environments • Financially unstable and under funded • Constant moving and changing home environments • Negative peers or partner’s negative peers • Physical isolation – rural, no car, etc.

12. Expanding Context Lack of education/underemployed/overworked Lack of positive mentors & supports • Poor & / or distant relationship with mother • Absent or abusive father • Abandonment issues with significant care givers • Limited social connections

13. Expanding Context Trauma experiences • Early childhood sexual and/or physical abuse • Witness to domestic violence • Battering experiences as adult by one or more partners • Emotional neglect and absence of experienced nurturing Addiction • Drugs and alcohol • Gambling • Internet chat rooms Mental health issues • FASD • Depression & anxiety disorders • PTSD • Eating & sleeping disorders, dissociative coping patterns, etc.

14. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs • Physiological= health, food, sleep • Safety = shelter, removal from danger • Belonging = love, affection, being a part of groups (including a couple or family group) • Esteem = self-esteem and esteem from others • Need to know and understand • Self-actualization = • achieving individual potential. • transcendence = helping others achieve their potential

15. Understanding a Parent’s context helps by… • allowing us to understand important sources of resistance. • When we have a better understanding of the source of resistance we can: • build alliances to overcome what is troubling the parent. • avoid engaging in power struggles that keeps people stuck.

16. Push & Pull • Pushing = forcing someone to act where they have no option but to obey. • Based on another having authority that impacts the needs of the person. • The level of threat is perceived as high and real. • Pulling = creating conditions that they chose themselves. • showing them how something else will be beneficial to them. • They decide rather than just you deciding.

17. Example of pushing & pulling • Kids taken into care (push) • Won’t come home until you change (push) • Push to comply • Compliance for conformity sake (push) • Seek to engage on shared understanding of safety (pull) • Resist acceptance of the major theme of person is problem (pull) • Externalise the problem (pull)

18. Push • Short term option. • Creates fear • Create the crisis in some cases • Requires the least effort from external sources. • Works best in situations where you just need to get people moving.

19. Pulling • Creates desire rather than fear • Involves changing how the person perceives the world such that they want to change • Involves learning about: • what the person wants • how they decide what they want.

20. Starting to Pull • Where and how you’ve lived influences how you understand reality – experience matters. • The words you use can be liberating or limiting – our reality is reflected in our language.

21. Starting to Pull • We have to have a model to move to before change can happen. • stories of change help to model change. • The stories we experienced influence our ability to see possibilities and have hope. • When we shift our viewpoint within our own stories we see new options for alternative truths.

22. Helper’s viewpoint • Return to your reflection and the two stories • Has your reaction changed • What biases might you have when working with these women? • Which woman would you find easier to help?

23. Lets take a break • 10 minutes please

24. Interventions

25. Non-offending Parental Responses Ambivalent Questioning Lost Unsure Frustrated Helpless Stressed Confused Distancing/ avoidant Working With Nurturing Expressive Seeking Engaging Collaborative Working Against Angry Overwhelmed Defiant “antisocial” Defensive Hopeless Rejecting / avoidant

26. Resistance is not futile • Resistive Non-offending Parents • Have experience resisting. • Resistance is how they have survived. • We do what we know. Coping strategies previously called upon return and are sometimes amplified. • It may not be efficient but it is better than no response. • Are survivors of abuse themselves and are coping with PTSD • Are often socially isolated with few positive supports.

27. Our Role • Reframe resistance as a rational response to a potentially damaging situation. • Identify beliefs about “damage” • Identify parent’s understanding of “help” • Develop a mutual understanding of the “problem”.

28. Our Role Reframe the abuse to support action by the non-offending parent: • Discuss how abuse happens (offence progression). • Debunk myths about sexual abuse perpetrators and victims. • Discuss how good people can do bad things: • Offender’s motivation. • Non-offending parent’s responses to disclosure. • Non-offending parent’s choice of partner in first place. • Discuss what natural consequences to abuse might be and why they are important.

29. Understanding Trouble Trouble Enters and settles in Trouble Hibernates Coping with trouble’s wake Trouble shows its face

30. Break out • Brainstorm how you might help Cindy or Crystal define “trouble” in their situations? • Brainstorm how you might externalize trouble with Cindy or Crystal?

31. Intervention Model • Accept and validate the non-offending parent’s story. • Look for connections to alternative stories and themes • Validate the parent as “expert” in their life story. • Consider “trouble” from all perspectives • Externalise “trouble” so that it can be considered by all involved. • Offer alternative understandings of “trouble” so the story can be re-written with hope. • Offer alternative understandings of how change happens and what change can look like. • Focus on empowerment.

32. Intervention • Therapeutic Stories • I know this other woman who… • Another client I know … • Listen to major themes in the presented story. • Invite the major story. • Invite sub-plots to be told. • Listen for a variety of themes and dynamics to arise

33. The Backpack Story

34. It’s not true – Harry / George wouldn’t do that… • Ask about beliefs • Can good people do bad things? (separate person from the problem) • Ask about experiences with change? • Can people change after making big mistakes? (normalize change processes, educate regarding recidivism & treatment, generate hope)

35. The Miracle Question

36. Engaging Motivation Express Empathy • Develop Discrepancy • Developing a dialogue exploring life with and without “trouble” • Roll with Resistance • Avoid power struggles – Judo v. Karate • Accept and validate the parent’s starting story. • Support Self-efficacy

37. Transforming Resistance • Clarify the dominant stories • Look for alternative stories where themes of action, cooperation and collaboration exist. • Negotiate what aspects of the story needs to be changed and in what order. • Find agreement. • Create change strategies highlighted in alternative stories part of a more dominant story – one of hope rather than resistance & despair. • Clarify what might need to happen for more change to occur on the shared goals.

38. Contact Information Karen M. Nielsen, Ph.D. karenn@athabascau.ca Ann Marie Dewhurst, Ph.D. valerian@telus.net Valerian Consulting 9412 91 Street, Edmonton, AB T6C 3P4 Phone: 780-485-5119 Fax: 780-485-5191