Treating Pornography Addiction: The Essential Tools for Spiritual Recovery

1. Treating Pornography Addiction: The Essential Tools for Spiritual Recovery By: Dr. Kevin B. Skinner, LMFT

2. Objectives: • Why Spiritual Recovery? • Where did the “Real You” go? • Overcoming warped beliefs—knowing the lies of the enemy. • Reclaiming your spiritual identity. • Preparing for the battle with the enemy. • Creating “real” intimacy.

3. Why Spiritual Recovery? • We are born with high-self worth • The Facts—average age of 1st experience with pornography (age 11) • Researchers have found that the earlier the exposure to drugs, alcohol, etc. the more likely one is to develop an addiction

4. Humans have created gods in their image1(Durkheim 1972:43) • Characteristics attributed to God—Common misperceptions of God due to child rearing practices. Researchers have found that “parental control and non-permissiveness are related to an image of a punishing God”2 77% of sex offenders report coming from a rigid home.3 (unreachable expectations about sexuality, extreme efforts to control child’s sexual behavior, and unrealistic models of appropriate behavior) 57% of sex offenders report that their family was disengaged. 3 (Sex a matter to find out by self, emotional abandonment, lack of physical or sexual affirmation)

5. Rigid/Disengaged non-nurturing, impossible to meet expectations non-available non-loving Affirming/Validating Nurturing Forgiving Available Loving Understanding God

6. Where did the “Real You” go? • Self-perception becomes warped and we adopt or accept false beliefs: • I cannot be forgiven • I have tried to stop and cannot • God doesn’t want me • God won’t forgive me

7. Reclaiming Your Spiritual Identity • Conscience—We are born with a natural capacity to distinguish between right and wrong, due to the light of Christ that is given to every person. We have a faculty by means of which we can pass judgment on our own conduct, either approving or condemning it, so anticipating the divine judgment on it. This faculty is called conscience. The possession of it at once makes us responsible beings. Like other faculties it needs to be trained, and may be deadened through misuse. (Bible Dictionary) • If one is looking for a happy settled, unchallenging life, one probably ought to look elsewhere. The development of Christlike qualities is a demanding and relentless task. Carlfred Broderick.

8. Melvin J. Ballard wrote, “All the assaults that the enemy of our souls will make to capture us will be through the flesh, because it is made up of the unredeemed earth, and he has power over the elements of the earth. The approach he makes to us will be through the lusts, the appetites, the ambitions of the flesh. All the help that comes to us from the Lord to aid us in this struggle will come to us through the spirit that dwells within this mortal body. So these two mighty forces are operating upon us through these two channels.” The enemy of our souls is not content to win over a few souls, he desires to make all miserable like unto himself (2 Nephi 2:18,27). The adversary, with misery as his goal in mind, attacks our physical bodies through various substances, images, and scintillating media.

9. Humble • —“Be thou humble; and the Lord thy God shall lead thee by the hand, and give thee answer to thy prayers” (D&C 112:10).

10. A BROKEN HEART AND CONTRITE SPIRIT The LORD is nigh unto them that are of a broken heart; and saveth such as be of a contrite spirit. Psalms 34:18

11. The Promise of a Broken Heart and Contrite Spirit • And ye shall offer for a sacrifice unto me a broken heart and a contrite spirit. And whoso cometh unto me with a broken heart and a contrite spirit, him will I baptize with fire and with the Holy Ghost (3 Nephi 9:20).

12. Preparing for the battle with the enemy • Admitting the problem

13. Preparing for the Battle (Step 2) • Reaching out and seeking help • Talking with ecclesiastical leaders • Seek professional counseling • Attending groups • Involving an accountability partner • Involve family and loved ones in recovery

14. Setting Up a Support SystemThis could be a spouse, friend, family member, or someone else who is concerned about your progress. In your first meeting you need to discuss the steps you each plan to take and schedule a fixed date within the next few weeks (no longer than one month). At that meeting, come prepared to discuss your behavior and its consequences—for example review whether you accomplished your goals or not, evaluate your progress, and determine new goals for the next month. (Stanton Peele)

15. Preparing for the Battle (Step 3) • Gaining knowledge—”My people are destroyed for a lack of knowledge…” (Hosea 4:6)—learn how to protect yourself Be actively involved in your recovery. Learn as much as you can. Be actively engaged in a good cause.

16. Books: • Confronting Pornography: A Guide to Prevention and Recovery for Individuals, Loved Ones, and Leaders. (Chamberlain, Gray, Reid, 2005) • Treating Pornography Addiction: The Essential Tools for Recovery. (Skinner, K.B. 2005)

17. Creating “Real” Intimacy • The Lives of most people are histories of their search for intimacy, of their attempts to be socially, physically, and emotionally close to others. Victor L. Brown

18. God Work Relationships WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO PUT INTO YOUR LIFE? Social Interaction Health & Fitness Addiction Religion

19. What Are You Putting into Your Life?

21. Making the Transition: Betrayal to Trust • No Secrets —If you lived honestly your life would heal itself. David Viscott • Prayer Together

22. People who have intimate relationships have fewer stress related symptoms¹ People who lack intimate relationships are at risk for a variety of ills¹ Those lacking intimate relationships are more prone to experience depression¹ Interpersonal conflicts may account for as much as 80% of people's daily negativity²

23. True Intimacy The lives of most people are histories of their search for intimacy, of their attempts to be socially, physically, and emotionally close to others. Victor L. Brown

24. Intimacy—One of the early symptoms of deterioration is diminished frequency of eye contact between partners.

25. But if ye will turn to the Lord with full purpose of heart, and put your trust in him, and serve him with all diligence of mind, if ye do this, he will, according to his own will and pleasure, deliver you out of bondage. Mosiah 7:33

28. References • 1. Durkheim, Emile. (1912) 1972. Excerpt from The social foundations of religion. In Sociology of religion: Selected readings, edited by Roland Robertson, 42-54. Baltimore: Penguin. • 2. Potvin, R. H., Dean R. H, and Hart, M. N. (1976). Religion and American youth: With emphasis on Catholic adolescents and young adults. Washington, DC: United States Catholic Conference. • 3. Carnes, P.

29. The Profile of Those Most Likely to Relapse • Keeping secrets • Limited relationship connections • Chronic conflict: arguing and fighting • Little to no social interaction—isolation • Live for intense and extreme experiences • Leaving treatment prematurely • Inadequate preparation • Ignoring emotional issues

30. A Bright Idea Guidelines for Recovery • Assess your needs • No More Isolation • Letting others help • Continuous Accountability