The Rules of Work The least you need to know about handling yourself in the real world
First a WARNING from the CDC: The Center for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically. This virus is called Weekly Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT!!! This virus will wipe out your private life entirely. If you should come into contact with WORK, you should immediately leave the premises. Take two good friends to the nearest LCBO and purchase one or both of the antidotes - Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) and Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). If alone; go to the doctor and get a Perpetual Recreation Obsession Zoom-zoom Acquisition Container (PROZAC). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends. If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.
1. Walk your talk Get your work noticed Never stand still Volunteer carefully Carve out a niche for yourself Under promise and over deliver Know something others don’t Be 100 per cent committed Enjoy what you are doing Develop the right attitude Never let anyone know how hard you work
2. Know that you’re being judged at all times Dress well Cultivate a smile No limp fish — develop the perfect handshake Exude confidence and energy Develop a style that gets you noticed Pay attention to personal grooming Be attractive Be cool Speak well Write well
3. Have a plan Know what you want long term Know what you want short term Study the promotion system Develop a game plan Set objectives Know your role Know yourself— strengths and weaknesses Identify key times and events Anticipate threats Look for opportunities
4. If you can’t say anything nice: shut up Don’t gossip Don’t bitch Stand up for others Compliment people sincerely Be cheerful and positive Ask questions Use ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ Don’t swear Be a good listener Only speak sense
5. Look after yourself Know the ethics of your industry Know the legalities of your industry Set personal standards Never lie Never cover up for anyone else Keep records Know the difference between the truth and the whole truth Cultivate your support/contacts/friends Understand others’ motives Assume everyone else is playing by different rules
6. Blend in Know the corporate culture Speak the language Dress up or down accordingly Be adaptable in your dealings with different people Know where to hang out, and when Understand the social protocols Know the rules about authority Know the rules about the office hierarchy Never disapprove of others Understand the herd mentality
7. Act one step ahead Dress one step ahead Talk one step ahead Act one step ahead Think one step ahead Address corporate issues and problems Talk of ‘we’ rather than ‘I’ Walk the walk Spend more time with senior staff Get people to assume you have already made the step Prepare for the step after next
8. Cultivate diplomacy Ask questions in times of conflict Don’t take sides Know when to keep your opinions to yourself Be conciliatory Never lose your temper Never get personal Know how to handle other people’s anger Stand your ground Be objective about the situation Put things in perspective
9. Know the system — and milk it Know all the unspoken rules of office life Know what to call everyone Know when to stay late and when to go early Know the theft or perks rule Identify the people who count Be on the right side of the people who count Be well up on new management techniques Know the undercurrents and hidden agendas Know the favourites and cultivate them Know the mission statement - and understand it
Truths to office life.... Several cannibals were recently hired by a big corporation. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR rep during the welcoming briefing. "You all get the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria for something to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees."The cannibals promised.Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared.Do any of you know what happened to her?" The cannibals all shook their heads no. After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others: "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but noooooo, you had to go and eat the secretary!"
10. Handle the opposition Identify the opposition Study them closely Don’t back-stab Know the psychology of promotion Don’t give too much away Keep your ear to the ground Make the opposition seem irreplaceable Don’t damn the opposition with faint praise Capitalize on the career enhancing moments Cultivate the friendship and approval of your colleagues