ATTRACTION, LOVE, INTIMACY ETC.

1. ATTRACTION, LOVE, INTIMACY ETC. • Love • Lust • Attraction • Chemistry • Intimacy • Friendship • Romance • Passion

2. Marriage? • Until about 150 years ago, marriage was not about two people in love. • The purpose of marriage: meet the needs of the group by forming alliances with other groups. • Through the ages, marriage was an economic and political alliance: dowry, land, mutual defence and enough people to produce wealth, work the land, exchange goods. • Husband and wife depended on each other to run the family enterprise, neither could do it alone.

3. Most important source of social security, medical care and economic support and survival. • Being so important for so many people, marriages were not decided by the man and woman alone based on attraction. • Love and lust were abundant, but unrelated to marriage.

4. Factors that helped usher the love marriage: • industrialization: individual has more value • affluence: less dependence on family • literacy: romantic novels • later, movies • increased longevity • secularization • women financially independent • lower birth rate

5. 19th century: W. Europe and N. America accept new view: husbands as providers and wives as nurturing homemakers. But only by the 1950s could a family survive on only one salary. • Love based marriage means that if love fizzles, the couple need not stay together: rise of divorce.

6. Expectations are high: • love • passion • friendship • mutual liking and appreciation • sharing many interests • companionship • intimacy • commitment • equal participation • economic partnership • Disappointments also tend to be high.

7. ATTRACTION: • What makes us feel attracted to another person? • familiarity • propinquity (geographical closeness) • complementarity (opposites attract) • similarity (birds of a feather…) • income, profession, status, power (especially for men) • common values: long term • personality: short and long term

8. Chemistry of attraction: • Arousal: phenylethylamine (PEA) • Touch: endorphins • Touch: oxytocin • Arousal short lived: 6-24 months • Depletion of neurochemicals, wear and tear • Some people become addicted: change partners often • Also, lack of accurate information: belief in passionate love forever • Historical, generational differences

9. Chemistry of attraction (Cont’d): • DHEA (dehydroepiandrosterone): • secreted by adrenal glands • weak androgen • most sex hormones as well as pheromones, derived from it. • same amount for males and females in bloodstream • Pheromones: • derived from DHEA • sexual signals for both sexes • sensed by the vomeronasal organ

10. Chemistry of attraction (Cont’d): • Oxytocin: • pituitary • released when touching or being touched by loved ones, even not in a couple relationship • seen as important for attachment • involved in parental behaviours

11. Chemistry of attraction (Cont’d): • PEA (phenylethylamine): • called “the molecule of love” • euphoria • amphetamine-like substance • produced in brain capillaries (endothelium) and in catecholaminergic terminals • low PEA levels associated with depression • some depressions successfully treated with PEA • some people become addicted to the PEA “high” and change partners frequently to get it, as it’s higher early in a relationship

12. Chemistry of attraction (Cont’d): • Estrogen: • makes women sexually attractive and receptive • skin, lips, hair, fatty padding (curves), breasts, hips • Testosterone: • increases sex drive in both sexes • too much is counterproductive

13. Chemistry of attraction (Cont’d): • Endorphins: • produced in the brain • released also in response to touch and sex • positive feelings • Progesterone: • testosterone antagonist • lowers sex drive • in the pill, it lowers sex drive too • mild sedative, calming effect

14. Chemistry of attraction (Cont’d): • Serotonin: • neurotransmitter • at low levels intensifies sex drive • at high levels decreases it • antidepressants elevate serotonin – decrease sex drive • Dopamine: • neurotransmitter associated with all pleasures • related to substance addiction • increases sex drive, promotes action

15. Chemistry of attraction (Cont’d): • Prolactin: • decreases sex drive, especially in men (couvade) • Vasopressin: • hormone produced by pituitary • antidiuretic • increases blood volume and blood pressure • “monogamy molecule” • modulates testosterone • levels extremes of feelings • increases focus in lovemaking

16. Chemistry of attraction (Cont’d): • All these substances fluctuate during the day and with age and environmental events. • The “high” is short lived (6-30 months). • Cultural belief in “passionate love forever”.

17. Passionate love vs. companionate love: • Passionate love: bonds in initial stages, flares up occasionally. May or may not lead to long-term. Not useful to weather hurdles of life. • Companionate love: warm, steady bond, more realistic for long haul, friendship, knowledge of partner, acceptance ‘warts and all’, long-term commitment. • Different couples have different mix of each. In some, passionate love reawakens in empty-nest phase.

18. LOVE STYLES: • eros • ludus • storge • pragma • mania • agape

19. Eros: • romantic, passionate love, physical chemistry, instant attraction, intense, satisfying • Ludus: • game-playing love, having two or more loves concurrently, dangling on a string, not serious • Storge: • friendship love, friends that over time become a couple, friends even if they break up • Pragma: • logical, “shopping list”, planned choice based on logic and practical considerations • Mania: • Possessive and dependent love, unable to sleep or eat, frantic if loved one out of range, can’t concentrate on anything else. • Agape: • Self-sacrificing love, spiritual, selfless.

20. THEORETICAL APPROACHES Sociobiology: • The purpose of attraction is to propagate the species, transmission of genetic material. • Attractive characteristics are those that maximize survival of the species. • Women: young and healthy, physical attractiveness highly correlated. • Males: good providers, tall and strong and with obvious material means. • Speculation, no proof in favour, proof against.

21. SOME THEORIES OF ATTRACTION (Cont’d): • Byrne’s Law: more reinforcements than punishments Berscheid and Walster’s Two Component Theory: • physiological arousal, undifferentiated, adrenaline: heart rate, blood pressure, respiration, etc. • cognitive attribution: how we explain arousal. Influenced by situational cues. E.g. exercise, Capilano bridge

22. Sternberg’s Triangular Theory: • passion • intimacy • commitment Best match: partners similar in all three

23. Many theorists underline capacity for intimacy: • physical: • sensual • emotional: • trust • self-disclosure (mutual) • vulnerability • security non -sexual sexual

24. Some cultures confuse sensual and sexual intimacy, leading to touch deprivation. • Touch deprivation can lead to: • depression • sexual deviance • inappropriate use of sex • Emotional intimacy: • based on early experiences. • Erikson: • trust vs. mistrust (1st year of life)

25. Ainsworth Attachment Theory: • secure attachment • insecure anxious ambivalent • insecure anxious avoidant • disorganized (mothers and infants) Plus • innate temperament • environmental influences • historical influences • Generational differences: • concept of love • Gender differences

26. Bartholomew and Horowitz (1991) • Attachment styles: • secure • preoccupied • dismissing • fearful • Secure: • see self as lovable, expect others to be accepting and responsive • Preoccupied: • see self as unlovable but see others positively, seek acceptance by them

27. Bartholomew and Horowitz (1991) (Cont’d) • Dismissing: • see self as lovable but see other negatively, may put up barriers for self-protection • Fearful: see self and others negatively, avoid relationships • Importance of childhood, family history. Can lead to ‘dysfunctional’ relationships.

28. Ability to have long-term, satisfying relationships is related to identity development. • Four identity types: • identity achieving • moratorium • diffuse • foreclosed

29. Individuals in identity achieving: • self knowledge • ability to focus on each other (not self-absorbed) • sensitive to partner’s feelings and needs • good communication • equal power • good conflict management • stable relationship

30. Partners with foreclosed identity: • settled early, no search for alternatives • accept everything from older generation • rigid • stable relationships if no change • many couples who married in the 50s with foreclosed identities are divorcing now

31. Partners in moratorium identity: • identity in crisis • self-preoccupied, not sensitive enough to partner’s emotional needs • alternate between avoidance and engagement • unstable relationship

32. Partners with diffuse identity: • mutual dependency • not trying to achieve separate identities • rely on each other for self-definition • make excessive demands on partner • threatened if one attempts independence • communication vague • repression of conflict and hostility • very susceptible to external pressures: • adult responsibilities, finances, parents/in-laws, arrival of children

33. TYPES OF INTIMACY • Mutual intimacy: • commit part of self to union but retain individuality • strong degree of commitment • equal sharing of power • high levels of communication • same basic values • accurate perception of partner’s needs • good conflict resolution

34. Pseudointimacy: • interaction at superficial level • low level of true communication • conflict avoidance rather than resolution • can last if mutually convenient • can have similar values • Merger: • one dominant partner, one submissive • can last if values remain same • rigid roles • relate in stereotyped ways • low awareness of partner’s emotional needs

35. MARRIAGE: Young adulthood (20-45) • Conflict (Erikson): • Independence/loneliness vs • Intimacy/loss of freedom

36. Advantages: • intimacy (emotional, physical, sexual) • interdependence (sharing resources and tasks) • belongingness (Maslow) • shared parenting • continuity (memories, habits) • shared identities (partial) • men: better mental, physical health, longevity

37. Disadvantages: • constraints of shared decisions • loss of privacy • need to accept other’s habits, quirks • responsibilities • women: double shift, others come first

38. TYPES OF MARRIAGE: • Traditional • Modern (Sr./Jr. Partners) • Contemporary Subjective perceptions differ from objective assessments: partners tend to see equality where outside observers don’t.

39. COHABITATION: • More common today: • POSSLQ: Persons of the Opposite Sex Sharing Living Quarters • Young adults: “courtship”, usually precedes marriage • Middle-aged and old: widowed or divorced

40. SAME SEX COUPLES: • Men: • Relatively low % monogamous • Women: • Higher % monogamy, serial monogamy common

41. SEX AND MARRIAGE: • Enormous individual differences • Frequency higher before children and after empty nest • Couples satisfied with sex report satisfaction with marriage overall • Actively religious women report better sex life in marriage, more orgasms. In decreasing order: Jewish, Protestant, Catholic

42. Cultural Differences: • Group/family orientation: collectivistic • Individual orientation: individualistic • individual wants less important than group needs and decision • individuals more important

43. Immigrants: • intergenerational conflicts • Arranged marriages: • pragmatic vs. love marriages • Importance of social support