Strategies and Techniques for Influencing and Motivating Children and Teenagers

1. Strategies and Techniques for Influencing and Motivating Children and Teenagers John Sommers-Flanagan, Ph.D.Professor of Counselor EducationUniversity of Montana – john.sf@mso.umt.edu Tip sheets and resources: johnsommersflanagan.com

2. Workshop Overview • This workshop is rated “PG” • A blend of personal discoveries and evidence • Caveats and excuses • This is YOUR workshop • Talking and not talking – Practice • Communicate respectfully • We will never get finished

3. Today’s Plan • Introductory comments and opening story • Brainstorm on the problem behavior • Four sources of parental power • Your favorite strategies and techniques • John’s favorite strategies and techniques • Stunning conclusions

4. Two Minute Reflection • Have you ever had a time when you didn’t want to: • Get out of bed in the morning? • Do the dishes? • Mow your lawn? • Floss your teeth? • Read a book assigned to you by someone else? • Go to work? • How did that work out?

5. An Undesirable Assignment • In one minute, I will “volunteer” someone to come up in front and talk • The topic will be . . .

6. Your Personal Reflections • What gets in the way of you doing something that someone else assigns you? • What thoughts get in the way? • What feelings/emotions get in the way? • What impulses get in the way? • What might get in the way of children attending school? [Google NASP and School Refusal for a nice handout]

7. Motivational Theories: Behaviorism • The Carrot and Stick • What are some easy and effective rewards? • What are some easy and effective consequences? • What’s wrong with too much behaviorism? [Extrinsic Motivation System]

8. Motivation and Emotion • Basic psychology textbooks • Happy people are productive, helpful, and better problem-solvers • It’s not the chocolate, it’s not the relationship, it’s the fact that these things put students in positive moods – that’s what facilitates cooperation

9. Adlerian Theory • How does Alfred Adler reframe “Lazy?” See: • All students want to succeed • Lazy young people aren’t really lazy, they just have goals that are too high . . . so they quit trying • Or, lazy students aren’t lazy, they’ve been spoiled and expect adults to do everything for them • https://johnsommersflanagan.com/2019/04/04/alfred-adler-all-day-long/

10. Embrace Your Power:Reasons to Behave • To mitigate reasons for misbehaving (attention, power, revenge, inadequacy), we need to provide youth with: • A Sense of Belonging; and • Feelings of Usefulness

11. Embrace Your Power I • Direct Power • Grandma’s Rule • Passionate Praise and Boring Punishment [Most people do this backward] • Give it (rewards), Take it (privileges) • Pre-set Rules with Consequences

12. Embrace Your Power II • Indirect Power • The new attitude (eliminate the dread) • Modeling • Encouragement • Give choices

13. Embrace Your Power III • Problem-Solving Power • Solution talk: How did you? • Behavioral alternatives • What has worked before? • Mutual problem-solving – Tonight • Collaboratively generated family rules • Educational offerings: TEDx, PPPP, etc. [Would you watch, listen, and tell me what you think]

14. Montana’s Own Parenting Podcast

15. Embrace Your Power IV • Relationship Power • Everyday connection and greeting • Recreation and play (and food**) • Special time – More tonight • A favor or I.O.U. • Guilt (I’m disappointed)

16. Embrace Your Power: Guidelines • Emphasize belonging • Emphasize usefulness • Use a balance of power strategies • Have high hopes, but realistic expectations • Remember what’s important • Lean on your friends, relatives, and colleagues for support

17. Power Pyramid

18. Your Favorite Strategies • Five minutes of discussion/reflection

19. JSF’s One Line Responses • I don’t know = Take a guess; what if. . . ? • I don’t care = What if you did? • I don’t have to do this = You’re absolutely right! (Pause) And even though I want you to do it, I can’t make you. • This is stupid! = You’re right. I’ll do better next time. What’s least stupid? • I don’t want to = Me neither. We need to do some things; let’s schedule a “don’t want to” day

20. Magic Words and Strategies • Join with the child (teen) • “I wish _ _ _ _ _ _ _” • Share the feeling: “This is the sort of thing that I really hate to do too.”

21. Magic Words and Strategies II • Ask permission to collaborate • Acknowledge expertise • Ask: What do you think? [Best explanation; best strategy] • Use experimental language – Try together?

22. Set Limits • Be the boss you’d like to have yourself. • You can be direct or use distraction to shift the mood and change the situation [Voice example] • Give a choice: You can go to school or ____[Insert plan]___________. You choose. • Set the limit – By asking: “What will happen if?” • Set the limit – By stating it yourself

23. Problem-Solve with Children • Join with the child to discuss how they can comply: “We have to follow the rules, but how can we work this out?” • Hope along with the child for a positive outcome: “I really hope you (we) can succeed with this.”

24. Problem-Solve II • Nurture the child’s “Protective Factors” – What strengths does the person have to apply to this difficult situation? • Express your belief in the child’s ability to comply and succeed: “I know you can do this.” • Don’t be isolated; get help as needed

25. The Stunning Conclusions • What do you want to remember? • What do you want to apply? • Motivation is an inside/outside dance with many different strategies . . . All that lead to encouragement are good.

26. For Free Parenting Tip Sheets and Homework Assignments go to: • To access 10 tip sheets and/or “follow” John’s blog go to: johnsommersflanagan.com

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