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CM 220 College Composition II Unit 8: Framing and Revising your Big Idea: Introductions, Conclusions, and the Post-Draft Outline. Jeff Kosse General Education, Composition Kaplan University. Today’s agenda:. How do I write effective introductions and conclusions?

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CM 220College Composition II Unit 8: Framing and Revising your Big Idea: Introductions, Conclusions, and the Post-Draft Outline

Jeff Kosse

General Education, Composition

Kaplan University

today s agenda
Today’s agenda:
  • How do I write effective introductions and conclusions?
  • How can I use the post-draft outline to revise my draft?
  • How can I provide helpful feedback to classmates in the Invention Lab?
assignments for unit 6
Assignments for unit 6
  • Readings: Introduction to unit, The Kaplan Guide to Successful Writing ch. 13 (outlining) and ch. 14 (pp. 181-194)
  • Invention Lab:
  • Post your revised introduction and conclusion paragraphs AND explain why you made the changes you did.
  • Create a post-draft outline and discuss your planned revisions for the final.
  • Attach your draft so classmates can make comparisons.
  • Respond to 2 classmates.
introductions should
Introductions should. . .
  • Set the stage
  • Engage attention
  • Set the appropriate tone
  • Provide background and definition of topic, and
  • State thesis (usually in a single sentence at the very end of the paragraph)
establish the issue
Establish the issue

In the last decade or so, American culture has become increasingly tolerant of teenage sexuality. Many parents, too busy in their lives, are not proactive in educating their teens on issues related to sexuality. Educators are often left with the role of providing basic information about the subject even as more and more sexual education classes are cut from the curriculum. Where does this leave curious teens? Statistics show that 75 percent of teens have had sex by the time they are nineteen years old. The teenage birth rate continues to climb as do reported cases of sexually transmitted diseases (Healy, 2008). Cleary, it is imperative to develop intervention programs that teach adolescents the effective skills in delaying early sexual behaviors. Early education on delaying sexual activity for teens can drastically decrease teenage pregnancies, prevent the spread of STDs, and help teens to make the right choices that can impact the rest of their lives.

pose questions use example
Pose questions/use example

Can a person’s life change dramatically in a matter of twenty-four hours? One day a person has a certain kind of life – a home, nearby schools for your kids, a wonderful neighborhood, good job, friends – and the next day it may all be gone, irreversibly changed. As a resident of New Orleans, Louisiana, Jean had always known that a major hurricane could strike, but even knowing this fact could not prepare her for what happened in the wake of Hurricane Katrina. Hurricane Katrina demonstrated the need for residents to evacuate when mandated, for local and state authorities to work more efficiently together, and for the federal government to respond in a timely and responsible manner.

use an attention grabbing statement
Use an attention-grabbing statement

Some children cannot sit still. They fidget and do not listen. They appear distracted by every little thing and do not seem to learn from their mistakes. These children disregard rules, even when they are punished repeatedly. Many people see such kids and conclude that their parents must not know how to control them. However, the truth is that attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (ADHD) is misunderstood. In fact, ADHD is a growing problem that requires more research to understand, better intervention programs to help afflicted children, and improved training and support programs to help parents and educators.

use a shocking statement or statistic use a quote
Use a shocking statement or statistic, use a quote

McDonald’s has sold over 100 billion burgers. One hundred billion burgers with bun, stacked on top of one another would extend over 2.9 million miles into space--twelve times as far as the moon (Grimes, 2007). What is the secret of McDonald’s incredible success? To use the words of Ray Kroc, McDonald’s founder, the secret to McDonald’s success is that the fast-food giant produces “consistently mediocre food” (Thomas, 2001). The McDonald’s corporation has become a model of success due to its understanding of its market niche, its ability to redefine its image over time, and its ability to remain stable and produce a profit even in difficult economic times.

other approaches
Other approaches
  • Use extended example or series of examples
  • Define an essential term (one the reader may not be familiar with or that you need to reframe for the reader)
  • Dramatize a scene
conclusions what should they do
Conclusions: What should they do?
  • Bring the essay to a logical close
  • Reinforce the main idea in an engaging manner (without just repeating the thesis and introduction)
  • Leave readers with something to think about
example audience appeal
Example (audience appeal)

The current political culture allows for staggering sums of money to be spent on campaigns. The basic idea is not so much about content as it is about getting the word out and creating a buzz. The more one hears about a candidate, the greater the buzz. And, of course, creating a buzz costs money, but, as advertisers have known for a long time, it is money well spent. Getting elected is a lot like selling laundry detergent, and until If American citizens do not let their government know that they’ve had enough, that spending millions of dollars – even if it’s a candidate’s own money – to hold an office is ludicrous, then they have no one but themselves to blame.

revising your writing to make it stronger
Revising your writing to make it stronger

What is revision and how does it differ from editing?

why create a post draft outline
Why create a post-draft outline?
  • Allows writer to “see” whether the draft works
  • Pinpoints areas of weakness
  • Builds writer’s ability to evaluate work objectively
the post draft outline
The post-draft outline
  • Re-read your draft.
  • Number each paragraph in your draft.
  • On a separate sheet of paper, write a corresponding number (1, 2, 3, 4…).
  • Read the first paragraph again and next to the corresponding number, summarize that entire paragraph in one sentence.
  • Continue to do this for each paragraph in your draft.
  • Use your outline to help you objectively analyze your draft and locate areas that need revision.
next ask yourself
Next, ask yourself:
  • Can you follow the logic of your paper from beginning to end?
  • Do you see places where the connection between paragraphs seems hard to follow or hard to state?
  • Might you need to move a paragraph elsewhere in the paper?
  • Can you find places where you need to create a bridge between paragraphs or major ideas in your paper?
  • Are there places where you feel more needs to be said?
  • Are there paragraphs or passages that seem to repeat what has already been established earlier in the paper? 
  • Was there a paragraph that was particularly difficult to summarize and might need to be divided in two?
workshop creating a post draft outline
Workshop: Creating a post-draft outline
  • Read an essay entitled “Curbing Parental Sports Rage” (in Doc Sharing and on the following slides)
  • Create one sentence summarizing each of the 8 paragraphs.
  • Offer recommendations to the writer for revising the draft and making it more effective.
curbing parental sports rage 1
Curbing Parental Sports Rage, ¶1

A child’s world is full of violence. It appears in video games, films, and TV programs, and many parents in the hope of removing their children from some of this violence are encouraging and sometimes pushing their children into participating in organized sports. Unfortunately, this same violence is creeping into Little League, Pee Wee football, soccer, basketball, and hockey, in the form of the parents’ and coaches’ poor conduct and rage. This violent behavior on the part of parents and coaches must be curbed and we must bring back into the game the learning of the rules and skills of the sport and a sense of good sportsmanship and values.

curbing parental sports rage 2
Curbing Parental Sports Rage, ¶2

Some parents are losing sight of why these children are playing--and that to the children is what they are doing: “playing.” Many parents come to their child’s practice or game with their own agenda of win, win, win at all costs. The team winning, the points scored, who is the big scorer: these are the issues that have replaced fun and sportsmanship in the eyes of these parents. These unreasonable expectations of winning, not messing up, being the star player, and making mom and/or dad proud are everything. “These parents expect perfection from their children, the coaches and the referees” (Sachs, 2000, p.62). It no longer is for the kids. Maybe Mom or Dad were promising athletes in their youth and for one reason or another were robbed of their hopes and are pinning all of their own wants, needs, wishes, and “what ifs” on their child or children (Kehe, 2000). The major problem seems to be that these parents are not considering what the children want. According to a “Kidthink” survey conducted by Jerry Kirshenbaum (1993) for Sports Illustrated, the kids want things like “unlimited free throws until they miss in basketball, everyone having a turn to play, less violence in hockey, using their hands in soccer, and to have fun” (p.12). Perhaps the parents should listen to the children on this issue.

curbing parental sports rage 3
Curbing Parental Sports Rage, ¶3

Originally, the purpose of organized sports for young children was to teach them the basics of the game and skills needed to play, to practice good sportsmanship, and to have fun. If we look back to the beginnings of organized sports over 100 years ago, the purpose then was to get the growing numbers of rowdy children off the streets and to teach them values (Nack & Munson, 2000). Joe Fish, director of the Center for Sports Psychology in Philadelphia adds to this stating, “The main purpose of youth sports is to emphasize effort, participation and skill development” (as cited in Nack & Munson, 2000, p. 6). According to Fish, parents and coaches are too worried about the outcome of the game and are getting away from the initial purpose. In addition, Thomas Tutko, Professor Emeritus of sports psychology at San Jose State University and a member of the National Alliance for Youth Sports (NAYS) board says, “Kids rank winning about seventh or eighth down on the list. […] Children’s sports are supposed to teach skills and values – such as fair play, working with others and dealing well with adversity- that kids can draw upon throughout their lives” (as cited in Nack & Munson, 2000, p. 6). What has gone wrong with that purpose? Where has this sense of sportsmanship, learning, and fun gone?

curbing parental sports rage 4
Curbing Parental Sports Rage, ¶4

The incidence of violent behavior (sports rage) among sports parents is increasing throughout the United States and Canada and it needs to be curtailed. The epidemic of verbal harassment and physical violence by parents at youth sports events is increasing PAGE 4 begins: far too rapidly. These incidents range from a heated and profane 15-minute argument, to brawls involving two, ten, even fifty or a hundred parents, to striking and beating up coaches and referees, and even to murder (Nack & Munson, 2000). The age range of the children observing these incidents is 6 to 12 year olds, and some as young as 4 and 5 see these outbursts. Where is the role modeling and focus of assisting children to develop:

[…] an enjoyment of sports and fitness that will last a lifetime; physical fitness, basic motor skills, a positive self-image, a balanced perspective on sports in relation to the child’s school and community life, and a commitment to the values of teamwork, fair play, and sportsmanship. (Organized Athletics for Preadolescent Children, 2001, p. 583)

curbing parental sports rage 5
Curbing Parental Sports Rage, ¶5

Athletic associations and organizers of youth sports, Fred Engh, President of NAYS, and the organization’s 2,200 chapters in the United States are attempting to educate parents and coaches on the needs of young athletes, but this effort needs to be expanded to all organized youth sports (Nack & Muson, 2000; Gardner, 1999; Axtman, 2000; Reilly, 2000). Engh and his cohorts Jim Thompson, director of Positive Coaching Alliance at Stanford, The Cedar Rapids Recreation Department, Jupiter Florida Athletic Association, Port St Lucie Youth Soccer Association, and many other organized athletic associations are now requiring parents to attend sportsmanship classes, adhere to parental conduct handbooks, sign codes of conduct, and observe Silent Saturdays. Parents who refuse to attend class, adhere to the handbook, or do not comply with the code of conduct are ejected from the sporting event and their child is removed from the team. In order to reduce this parental “sports rage,” all organized youth sports associations across the United States need to adopt these stricter policies and return youth sports to the original focus and goal - youth having fun while learning all aspects of a sport.

curbing parental sports rage 6
Curbing Parental Sports Rage, ¶6

Many groups are working to return youth sports to a time of teaching fundamental skills, developing fitness and promoting the development of positive attitudes, values, and self-esteem. The American Academy of Pediatrics, Committee on Sports Medicine and Committee on School Health (2001) are concerned for the preadolescent children who participate in sports and have outlined “[…] important objectives for parents, coaches and officials” (p. 583). They are “[...] to enhance the child’s self-image, mastery of the sport with emphasis on performance, setting realistic goals, effort should be met with praise and mistakes met with encouragement and corrective instruction” (p. 583). In addition, they recommend that parents show that the child’s worth is unrelated to the outcome of the game and give unconditional approval for participating and having fun.

curbing parental sports rage 7
Curbing Parental Sports Rage, ¶7

Even Peggy Post (2004) of Modern Manners in Good Housekeeping had a “Good Sport Guide for Parents.” Post had five simple rules for parents:

1. Leave refereeing to the referee. No yelling, rehashing, or insulting when you don’t agree with the call.

2. Be considerate of parents and players, even those affiliated with the other team.

3. Show your kid how to be respectful: Winners don’t gloat; losers don’t sulk.

4. Value integrity above victory and teach your child to do the same. That means expecting him or her to follow the rules and not to cheat.

5. Take a pledge. Many teams have children and parents sign a code of conduct that applies on and off the field. (Post, 2004, p. 32).

curbing parental sports rage 8
Curbing Parental Sports Rage, ¶8

Parents across the United States and into Canada need to let go of their own agendas, and athletic associations need to enforce parental and coaching codes of conduct through classes and training. As a result, the world of youth sports can be returned to the children where they can all learn to enjoy a sport, learn the skills of a sport, play, and most of all have fun.

guidelines for responses this week
Guidelines for responses this week
  • Make sure your first response is to a classmate who has not yet gotten one
  • Review ch. 16 of The Kaplan Guide to Successful Writing and the tips we covered in unit 7
  • Do not focus on grammar, punctuation, spelling, or formatting concerns
what to address
What to address
  • Review Invention Lab instructions for ideas about what to address in the responses
  • Offer concrete suggestions for revising and improving the draft
  • Review the attached draft so you can make judgments about the post-draft outline and the revised introduction and conclusion.
helpful feedback
Helpful feedback
  • Your thesis statement clearly describes your position, but you have main points that are not clearly connected to the thesis statement. How about revising the thesis so that it lets the reader know what to expect?
  • You might include a statistic in the introduction to let the reader know how big of a problem this is. I read this great article in the Washington Post this week that would give you some good numbers; here is the link. . .
  • I have had a really hard time revising my introduction to give it a good “hook,” too. I found this helpful website at the University of North Carolina’s writing center that you might review: A couple of suggestions they had were opening with a thought-provoking question or a surprising anecdote related to your topic.
  • Top ten things not to do in your introduction (Power Point presentation created by Kaplan faculty member)
  • Clements, K. (2010). Essay development. In Martinez, D., Carlson, S., & VanDam, K. (Eds), The Kaplan guide to successful writing (pp. 159-204). New York: Kaplan Publishing.