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Chapter 5 Friendship, Love, and Commitment
Chapter Outline • The Importance of Love • Love and American Families • Friendship, Love, and Commitment • The Development of Love: the Wheel Theory
Chapter Outline • How Do I Love Thee? Approaches to the Study of Love • Unrequited Love • Jealousy: the Green-eyed Monster • The Transformation of Love: From Passion to Intimacy
Research Findings: Differences Between Love and Friendship • Best friends were similar to spouse/lover relationships in levels of acceptance and confiding, trust, respect, understanding, spontaneity,and mutual acceptance. • Lovers had much more fascination and a sense of exclusiveness with their partners than did friends.
Research Findings: Differences Between Love and Friendship • Love had greater potential for distress, conflict, and mutual criticism, but it ran deeper and stronger than friendship. • Friendship appears to be the foundation for a strong love relationship.
Research Findings: Differences Between Love and Friendship • Shared interests and values, acceptance, trust, understanding, and enjoyment are at the root of friendship and form a basis for love. • Adding passion and emotional intimacy alters the nature of the friendship.
Loyalty Commitment Acceptance of the other Supportiveness Wanting to be with the other Interest in the other Central Attributes of Love • Trust • Caring • Honesty • Friendship • Respect • Concern for the other’s well-being
Devotion Reliability Giving your best effort Supportiveness Perseverance Concern about the other’s well-being Central Attributes of Commitment • Loyalty • Responsibility • Living up to your word • Faithfulness • Trust • Being there for the other in good and bad times
Feelings Identifying Love Four feelings identifying love: • Caring for the other. Wanting to help. • Needing the other. Having a strong desire to be in the other’s presence. • Trusting the other; mutually exchanging confidences. • Tolerating the other; accepting faults.
Important Factors in Commitment • Balance of costs to benefits: “What am I getting out of this relationship?” • Normative inputs: Values about love, relationships, marriage, and family. • Structural constraints: Depending on the type of relationship different roles and expectations are structured in.
Wheel Theory of Love Love develops and is maintained through four processes: • Rapport • Self-revelation • Mutual dependency • Fulfillment of intimacy needs
Six Basic Styles of Love • Eros: love of beauty • Ludus: playful love • Storge: companionate love • Mania: obsessive love • Agape: altruistic love • Pragma: practical love
Triangular theory of love • Views love as consisting of three components: • Intimacy • Passion • Decision/commitment
Ten Signs of Intimacy • Wanting to promote your partner’s welfare. • Feeling happiness with your partner. • Holding your partner in high regard. • Being able to count on your partner in time of need. • Being able to understand each other.
Ten Signs of Intimacy • Sharing yourself and your possessions with your partner. • Receiving emotional support from your partner. • Giving emotional support to your partner. • Being able to communicate with your partner about intimate things. • Valuing your partner’s presence in your life.
Attachment Theory of Love • Views love as being similar in nature to attachments we form as infants. • The attachment (love) styles of both infants and adults are: • Secure • Anxious/ambivalent • Avoidant
Styles of Unrequited Love • Cyrano style: Desire for a relationship regardless of how hopeless. • Giselle style: Misperception that a relationship is likely to develop. • Don Quixote style: Desire to be in love. • Anxious/ambivalent adults are most likely to be Cyranos, avoidant adults to be Don Quixotes and secure adults to be Giselles.
Jealousy • Occurs because of a partner’s real, imagined, or likely involvement with a third person. • Most likely in committed relationships because of the presumed “specialness” of the relationship. • Fear of loss, coupled with insecurity, increases the likelihood of jealousy.
Time and Romance • Time affects romantic relationships. • The rapid growth of intimacy tends to level off, and we become habituated to passion. • Commitment tends to increase, provided that the relationship is judged to be rewarding.
Romantic love • Romantic love may either end or be replaced by intimate love. • Many individuals experience the disappearance of romantic love as a crisis. • Romantic love seems to be most prominent in adolescence and in early and later stages of marriage.