THE PAMPERED CHILD SYNDROME

1. THE PAMPERED CHILD SYNDROME Maggie Mamen, Ph.D. Psychologist

2. REQUIREMENTS FOR PHYSICAL AND MENTAL HEALTH Sleep Good nutrition Exercise/fresh air Attachment/nurturing Safety and security

3. PARENTAL RESPONSES • But we can’t get her to go to bed … • But he’s a very picky eater … • But she doesn’t like sports … • But he just won’t switch off the TV/video games/ computer/MSN … • But we don’t like to say “no,” because she gets SO upset … • But if he doesn’t get what he wants, he hits me …

4. PARENTAL GOALS …to raise children who • are comfortable and happy • are stimulated and enriched • have fun • can make their own choices and be independent • are included in family decisions • are given reasons for what they are asked to do • are treated equally and fairly • can express their feelings and be heard • feel loved and appreciated • have positive self-esteem

5. MESSAGES RECEIVED … • I should never be unhappy • I should never be bored • If it’s not fun, I won’t do it • No one can tell me what to do • Adults should always consult me • I won’t do anything unless there’s a good reason • I should be treated the same as adults • I should only do things I feel like doing • If I want it, I should have it, and if you love me, you should give it to me • I should always feel good about myself

6. WHY WE PAMPER … • Backlash from authoritarian parenting, parent “blaming” • Political events in 60s and 70s • “Love is enough” • Children’s rights • Legacy of “abuse”; focus on self-esteem • Child-centred parenting/teaching philosophies • “It takes a village …”; parenting “experts” • Marketing, advertising, “nag” factor

8. HOW WE PAMPER . . . • spend money, give material goods • do everything for our children • try to compensate with extra attention • make excuses for poor behaviour and protect them from the consequences of their choices • give in; say “no” but do “yes” • try to be their friend

9. PAMPERED CHILD SYNDROME • Exaggerated sense of entitlement • Self-focussed; demanding of adult attention • No recognition of authority, boundaries • Difficulty with impulse control • Lack of self-discipline • Low threshold for discomfort • No resources for dealing with disappointment, failure, loss • Little guilt, remorse, empathy • Signs/symptoms of major psychiatric or psychological disorder

10. “DIFFERENTIAL DIAGNOSES” • Behaviour Disorders • Oppositional Defiant Disorder • Conduct Disorder • Attention Deficit Disorder • Depression/Bipolar Disorder • Anxiety Disorder, School Refusal • Childhood Obesity • Learning Disabilities

11. BALANCING THE MESSAGES … • Short-term pain for long-term gain • “Out of boredom comes creativity” • Some issues are not negotiable; sometimes there is no choice • There are times when children should be seen and not heard • Rights, privileges … and responsibilities • Life is not a democracy • Who said life is fair? • “Because I said so” means “You can trust me”

12. WHAT ELSE WE CAN DO … • Be careful not to judge; there but for fortune … • DARE TO PARENT! Take back our families • Decide what our values are and teach them • strive for fairness, not necessarily equality • teach altruism, empathy and compassion - yes, you can! • remember that saying “no” will not damage self-worth • Set boundaries so that children are safe • say what we mean, mean what we say – builds trust • allow chosen and promised consequences to happen

13. Be on the same team – parents, teachers, caregivers, professionals; UNITE THE “RIGHT”! • Stop being afraid of our children • even if we are, we pretend we are not • trust children to handle their negative feelings • Be a parent, not a friend; parenting is a vocation, not a popularity contest

14. So that our children can … “Know their faculties” “Test their strengths” “Train for real life” Alfred Adler

15. AND REMEMBER ... when it comes to making a difference whether you think you can or whether you think you can’t YOU’RE RIGHT!