Couples Therapy

1. Couples Therapy The relationship as the client

2. Post WW-II history of marriage • Economics • Shift in type of work due to industrialization • Necessity of dual incomes • Technology • Industrialization • Transportation • Birth control • Social Norms (next slide)

3. The change in social norms • Shift from external, role-oriented criteria (e.g., good worker, provider, mother, wife) to internal criteria of personal satisfaction. • Studies of changing themes in popular magazine articles about marriage since the '50s document increased emphasis on self-development, flexible and negotiable roles, and open communication about problems. Surveys show similarly dramatic changes in criteria for "marital satisfaction". • These changes reflect increases in individualism and our standard of living, as well as improved contraceptive methods and greater availability of abortions. • Could you conceive of staying in a marriage unless you're happy?

4. Current statistics • The American divorce rate has increased dramatically since the mid 19th century (peak in early '80s). • Between 50-67% of first marriages end in divorce -- and the failure rate for second marriages is 10% higher. Median duration is 7.2 years. • More marriages now end in divorce than death (true since 1974). • Couple therapy is a growing industry: From 1,000 licensed marital therapists in 1972 to over 50,000 today. • Barely half of couples report significant improvement from therapy (compared to over 75% in individual therapy) -- and a third of those who improve have problems later on (Bray & Jouriles).

5. Characteristics of “happy” couples Tolstoy’s adage: “All happy families are alike, but unhappy marriages are unhappy in their own way.” • Characteristics (John Gottman) • foundation of affection and friendship • "validation sequences“ • ability to resolve disagreements • “positive sentiment override” • a 5 to 1(or better) compliment-criticism ratio is optimal • as the ratio decreases, marriage satisfaction decreases • Amount of conflict relatively unimportant (all relationships have conflict)

6. Distressed couples (Gottman cont.) • Engage in a wide range of destructive fighting techniques • Personal attacks (name calling) • Dredging up the past • Losing focus (…and the “kitchen sink”) • Tend to resort to the "four horsemen of the apocalypse“ [video] • Criticism (more common in women) • Defensiveness • Withdrawal/stonewalling (more common in men) • Contempt

7. Couples’ interaction styles (Gottman cont.) • Three ways of understanding couples’ interaction styles: • Validating (optimal) • the 5 to 1 ratio (optimal) • respect partner's opinions and emotions • compromise often • resolve problems to mutual satisfaction • Volatile • arguments, conflict may or may not be resolved • Vacillate between heated arguments and passionate reconciliation • Avoiding – do not deal with problems (agree to disagree) • Compatibility of interaction styles sometimes more predictive of relationship success than the style itself

8. Differences between couple work and individual work • People in the room • Trust • Confidentiality • Pace

9. Assessment • Three main parts • Couple history • Individual history • Behavioral sample

10. Goals of therapy • The most-studied form of couple therapy -- CBT Marital Therapy • Help partners negotiate behavior change • Teach more effective communication skills (e.g., active listening, how to argue) • Examine specific conflict themes and the associated stories/beliefs • Gottman (microskills) • Avoid the 4 horsemen and other forms of destructive fighting • Focus on and encourage “positive sentiment override” • Latest research findings • Improving "communication skills" may not be the key to resolving many couple problems (Baucom; Burleson & Denton). • Good will between partners may be more important than good communication skills • Good language and communication skills can even make bad marriages worse (e.g., keeps problem salient) • Several promising new approaches • Acceptance therapy (aims to interrupt partners' attempts to change each other) • Solution-focused therapy (aims to identify exceptions to the problem and reinforce strengths in the couple's relationship)

11. Therapeutic techniques • Maintain balanced approach (don’t show favoritism) • Have members of the couple talk to each other, not the therapist • Anticipate backsliding (habits are hard to change)

12. NVC Model Evaluations Strategies Feelings Needs

13. NVC MODEL APPLIED TO SCENARIO 1 Evaluations Disorganized Strategies Doesn’t care Frown Feelings Untimely Make promise to self Needs Disappointed Use sarcasm Incompetent Anxious Untrustworthy Trust, Respect Productivity Demand apology Annoyed Jerk Angry Threaten Frustrated Express feelings Avoid Selfish Rude Speak in clipped tones Clueless

14. NVC MODEL Evaluations Disorganized Strategies Doesn’t care Frown Feelings Untimely Make promise to self Needs Disappointed Use sarcasm Incompetent Anxious Trust, Respect Productivity Demand apology Annoyed Jerk Angry Threaten Frustrated Express feelings Avoid Selfish Rude Speak in clipped tones Clueless

15. The goal of Nonviolent Communication is to: • - listen beyond Strategies and Evaluations to the Needs underneath • - speak to the Needs of those involved • - create strategies that meet everyone’s needs (no compromise) Evaluations Strategies Feelings Needs

17. NVC Intimate Communication Makeover Observations Needs-based empathy Needs-based honesty Needs-based self-reflection Regret, Mourning Self Acceptance Needs-based requests Evaluations Criticisms Judgments Self-blame Guilt Shame Demands Coercion Threats

18. NVC Makeover Components (some definitions) Observations: Describing a behavior or event without evaluation words, just as a video-camera would show it. E: “I notice your car is in the middle of the driveway” Needs Based Empathy: Connecting to and being present with the needs of the other (their hopes, wants, what might be important to them). E: “Were you hoping to make your life a little easier by not having to deal with bushes?” M: “Are you feeling frustrated b/c we talked about this last time and it happened again?” Needs Based Honesty: Sharing your own needs without blame or expectation - when the other person is truly ready to hear you. E: “It’s important to me that I can count on you following through with agreements so that I can trust you and count on you.” Needs-based Self-Reflection: Connecting to and being present with your immediate, as well as “larger” needs (hopes, wants, what is important to you). M [internal dialogue]: I’m feeling annoyed because I want the trust between us to be strong enough to resist small failures to follow through. Needs-based Requests: Clear communication about a strategy that would help meet a need of yours (different from a demand) What might a request look like?

19. Role play with RosenbergClass Demonstration?

20. Further Resources Center for Nonviolent Communication www.cnvc.org(includes workshop schedule, trainer info, and complete list of books and videos) Conflict Hotline (live role plays with NVC coach) www.youtube.com (type in “conflict hotline”) NVC Academy (telecourses, audio-courses, and free materials) www.nvctraining.com