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ACT for Couples: Enhancing Relationships with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

Join Dr. Russ Harris for an insightful workshop focusing on using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy to address relationship issues. Learn how to apply ACT interventions, explore values, and tackle barriers to change. Discover how to communicate effectively, manage conflict, and make decisions to improve your relationship. Gain practical tools to enhance connection, overcome fear, and align behavior with values in your relationship journey.

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ACT for Couples: Enhancing Relationships with Acceptance and Commitment Therapy

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  1. Acceptance & Commitment TherapyWith Couples Dr Russ Harris, M.B.B.S., M.A.C.Psych.Med. Medical Practitioner, Psychotherapist russharris@actmindfully.com.au www.actmindfully.com.au

  2. Aims of the Workshop • ACT conceptualisation of relationship issues • ACT interventions for relationship issues • Interspersed with experiential exercises

  3. ACT Case Conceptualisation • 2 simple questions: • 1. What sort of relationship do(es) the client(s) want to build? • 2. What stands in their way? • - 2a) What are they fused with? • - 2b) What are they avoiding? • - 2c) What ineffective actions are they taking?

  4. Taking A History • What’s the problem? • -Can you tell me about a recent event that represents the main issue(s)? • -What have you tried so far to fix this? How did it work? What has it cost? • -What have you done that has contributed to this issue, or made it worse?

  5. Taking A History • Relationship history: how did you meet, what attracted you, wedding day etc. • What do you value in your relationship & your partner, currently? • (What did you value in your relationship & your partner back then?)

  6. Taking A History • On a scale of 1-10, how sure are you about staying in this relationship? • On a scale of 1-10, how much work are you willing to do to improve the relationship?

  7. Stay or leave? • Assess pros & cons of each • Have you given it your best shot? • Whichever option you choose, you’ll need to make room for anxiety, doubt, worry etc • Sitting on the fence metaphor • Live by your values, whether you stay or leave

  8. Taking A History • What sort of partner do you want to be? • What sort of relationship do you want to build? • Magic wand • Visualise: self as ideal partner vs self as reactive partner – reflect & share • 80th birthday – partner gives a speech • Valued living questionnaire • Share values

  9. Typical Core Values • Connection • Caring • Contribution

  10. Values to Goals • What’s a small step you can take? • What’s a little thing you could do?

  11. Values to Goals • If your partner actually does that, what difference would it make to you? • How will you let them know that?

  12. Values to Goals • If client makes positive changes: • What was that like for you? • What happened to your relationship as a result? • What’s another little step you can take?

  13. Values to Goals • If client doesn’t make positive changes: • What was that like for you? • What happened to your relationship as a result? • What got in the way?

  14. The Barriers to change: F.E.A.R. • Official ACT version: • Fusion • Evaluation • Avoidance • Reason-giving

  15. The Barriers to change: F.E.A.R. • Alternative version: • Fusion • Excessive expectations • Avoidance • Remoteness from values

  16. The Antidote to FEAR is DARE • Defusion • Acceptance • Realistic expectations • Embrace values

  17. Key Issues • 4 approaches to any problem situation • 1. Leave • 2. Stay & Change what can be changed & live by your values • 3. Stay & Accept what can’t be changed & live by your values • 4. Stay & Give up & increase your suffering through self-defeating behaviours

  18. Key Issues • Behaviour change 101: • What’s in your control, and what’s not? • Carrot versus stick

  19. Key Issues • Communication 101: • Ask clearly for what you want, (and explain why) • Express clearly what you don’t want, (and why) • As you do this, be the partner you want to be! • Boundaries & consequences

  20. Key Issues • When you’re upset: • Breathe out • I notice I’m feeling x • I’m having the thought that .. • Get present; ground yourself • If necessary leave the situation • If you do leave, practise mindfulness & acceptance (practise letting go of unhelpful stories)

  21. Key Issues • Once grounded, ask yourself • What sort of partner do I want to be? What are my values here? • If I could be that ideal partner, I would respond by doing … • Then take action, guided by those values • Visualise/write/rehearse those responses

  22. Key Issues • In other words: ACT • Accept your thoughts and feelings • Connect with your values • Take effective action • Or more simply: • Be present & do what matters!

  23. Key Issues • CONFLICT • Stop arguments in session • Do mindfulness then and there • What’s your body doing? Breathe into it. • What’s your mind saying? Name it.

  24. Key Issues CONFLICT • What judgments does your mind make about him/her? • What happens if you buy those judgments? • I’m making the judgment that ..

  25. Key Issues CONFLICT • Being right versus being loving • I’m right; you’re wrong

  26. Key Issues CONFLICT • Rigid rules • What are your rules? • What are your partner’s rules? • Where did these rules come from? • What happens when you fuse with them?

  27. Key Issues CONFLICT : Defusion of Rigid rules • Expect them • Notice them • Name them

  28. Key Issues • CONFLICT • Discuss inevitability • Increase awareness of triggers • Increase acceptance • ‘Pet arguments’ • Name your stories • Being right versus being loving • ‘But’ vs ‘And’ • Anger management if necessary

  29. Key Issues • CONFLICT • Repair attempts • What’s the tiniest step you could take that might repair some of the damage? • Acknowledge & accept repair attempts • John Gottman: 7 Principles of Making Marriage Work

  30. Key Issues • REFRAMING PROBLEMS • How can I grow from this? • What can I learn from this? • What ACT skills will this enable me to improve? • Imagine your partner is a teacher: what is the lesson?

  31. Key Issues • THE PERFECT PARTNER • Do they exist? • Do you always act the way you expect yourself to act? • Acceptance exercise: if I could give you a choice - a) no painful feelings, but no capacity to love or care; b) you get to love and care, and that means that at times you have these painful feelings – which would you choose?

  32. Key Issues • CHANGING BEHAVIOUR • Willingness to change, versus wanting to change • Facilitate willingness through values • Distinguish values-driven change from: resentful change/ guilt-induced change/ trying to ‘keep her happy’/ trying to ‘put up with him’

  33. Key Issues • CHANGING BEHAVIOUR • Identify barriers: FEAR • N.B. reason-giving • Discuss ‘relapse’ • When your partner stuffs up, how will you respond?

  34. Key Issues • LOVE • Distinguish the action of love from the feeling of love • Magic wand

  35. Key Issues • INTIMACY • Be present • Share valued activities • Practise connection • ‘Eyes on’

  36. Key Issues • COMPASSION • Kindness • Commonality • Mindfulness

  37. Key Issues • FORGIVENESS • Give yourself what was there before • Doit for yourself • Anger & resentment – costs • Handle it with mindfulness; let it come & go

  38. Key Issues • FORGIVENESS RITUAL • Each partner writes:- • The thoughts, feelings memories I’ve been holding on to are … • How holding on has hurt me & our relationship: • Commitment to letting all this old stuff come and go without holding on to it • Choose a special place, read it out, do something symbolic (eg burn it & scatter the ashes) then do something to connect lovingly

  39. Key Issues • TRUST • Distinguish the action of trust from the ‘feeling’ of trust (not really a feeling; more a ‘sense’ – strong cognitive component) • No control over ‘feelings’ of trust – only over the actions. • Balance values around trust with values around self-protection

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