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1. THE ULTIMATE GUIDE TO ONLINE DATING: Tips, tricks, and manipulations to Browse the pains and pitfalls I looked at her and then looked at the dinner bill. She looked me straight in the eyes and smiled. Again, I looked at her and then looked at the bill. Still, no response. It definitely was not my best moment, but it wasn't hers either. Apparently, as I discovered later, I had fallen into a trap known as"the meal plan." The meal plan, if you're not familiar with it, is when girls go on dates with guys just to get a free meal. It was obviously quite popular with attractive college girls, a classification she definitely fell into. When I first heard about the"meal plan," I did a mental rewind as I scrolled back through all the dates I had gone until there: all 37 dates to be precise. Of course at first I was outraged. How could women take advantage of me like this? As I matured in my internet relationship, however, I realized that this was really a reaction for what men do to women. There are 3 major levers in our lives that, if we pull on them correctly, can change everything. Our career, our health, and our relationships can be the difference between depression and elation. I learned this firsthand because in the past five years I went through the excruciatingly painful and draining process of pulling all three levers at the same time. I quit the career I had been building for more than 7 years and I left my 10-year connection with my girlfriend that I believed I was going to marry. All of a sudden I was a career and relationship newcomer. I was depressed. I was scarred. After 9 months of misery and frustration I was about to give up on online dating all together. One day, I was sitting in the shower feeling sorry for myself for over an hour. And then, for some unknown reason, my ambitious gene triggered and a little voice in my head said,"you're going to give up? No, no you're not. You are going to kick on online dating's ass!" I started to channel my misery into anger, and my anger into determination. I started to approach online dating like one big experiment. I started creating what I predicted,"The Process." In this blog post I will take you through the entire process I took to master online dating. From optimizing your profile, A/B analyzing your descriptions, beginning meaningful conversations, and even crafting interesting dates. We'll go over how to streamline the online dating process so that you can not only get dates, but possibly find the love of your life (with minimal stress).

2. Now, before I get into it, I should preface that depending on your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your process might need to be different than the below. But, the important takeaway here is to pull back the feelings that come from relationship and treat it like an experiment. If you approach it with the mindset of,"I'm going to go meet interesting people and do interesting things," you'll be more inclined to enjoy the procedure. And, if you're diligent, you might end up finding that special person. UPDATE: As of 2019 I've been with my new girlfriend, who I met on OkCupid, for 4 years and we have moved in together. So maybe these strategies aren't all that crazy, but maybe they are, I will leave it for you to judge. Listen to the Modern Dating Show Podcast for more tips, tricks, and embarrassingly real stories. Notice: You can also listen to the Modern Dating Show podcast, where my friend Trevor and I cover a whole lot of these strategies as we browse the present struggles and embarrassments of his own relationship trip (and answer listener questions). The complete most common mistake I see both guys and gals making when it comes to online dating is that they don't define their goal obviously. Deep down inside, most of us know whether we are looking for a serious relationship or just to have fun. The more common scenario I've found is that both men and women who are looking for a meaningful relationship are optimizing their dating for fun instead. I remember how one day when my coworker, Maddy, heard about my success with online dating, she asked me to help her with her OKCupid profile. She is a remarkably smart and capable woman and she's' really beautiful, a true 10 out of 10, so I was confused why she would need my help. In less than 5 seconds I saw the problem. Basically, so as to maximize for getting dates, Maddy had chosen to only include her most provocative photos. Now I want to be clear, there is nothing wrong with women having"promiscuous" photos online. The issue, in the case of dating, is the format of a relationship and what you contribute with. Our brains have evolved over centuries to intuitively pick up on visual cues much faster than written hints. In actuality, they've found that men that are even walking with their girlfriend, will reflexively look if an attractive woman walks by without even activating their conscious brain. Because dating profiles hide most information aside from the profile photograph before a user clicks, leading with provocative photographs sets a poor first impression. So, while it is totally fine to have sexy photos up in your instagram, leading together in your online dating profile is sending signals that may be attracting the wrong type of guy. There are also plenty of classy ways to possess intriguing pictures that speak to more than just the subconscious mind.

3. Online dating pictures can be both classy and intriguing So, although Maddy was attempting to locate a relationship, her photographs were sending signals that she's looking for"fun." Understandably, she had a line of douchebag men filling up her inbox. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 4 Every guy who has done online dating will testify to the battle of getting a girl to swipe right in their profile, let alone to get them to engage in a conversation. Men, this is completely your fault. I have seen men spend hours talking about the numbers of their favourite sports team, which player has what stats, who's health is suffering, as well as how financial reports will influence the team's chances. But, when it comes to online dating, guys have a tendency to slap a few pictures on their profile and then begin swiping like orangutans till their fingers develop calluses. Men, stop. Before you start creating or re-creating your dating profile, stop and think about what you're trying to attain. Are you trying to date a great deal of people? Or are you trying to find a meaningful relationship? And"both" is not an answer. "If you try to appeal to everyone, you will appeal to no one." The techniques I will outline below work for desired result, but the choices you make will vastly affect your"conversion" rate. By way of instance, the first time I mastered everything in this procedure, I started going on a lot of dates (3--4 per week, every week), but I still felt incredibly unfulfilled. I only realized months after that, while it is good to go on a great deal of dates and get practice dating (recall I was off the dating scene for 10 years), it was even more important to make sure I had been dating the right people.

4. Fortunately I realized this before I was the victim of any more"meal programs ." STEP 2 -- A/B Test your online dating profile pictures and descriptions First impressions matter. According to a study from Princeton, it's estimated that in any relationship, whether its social or work, we make our mind up about if we like the person in less than 1 second. The single biggest flaw in online dating is that the first impression you make is based solely on your profile image. They do not get to hear you talk. They don't get to shake your hand. They do not get to smell you (it's a thing). All you get is one picture and there's a 99% chance it's the wrong one. If one is coming online dating as an experiment, naturally the first thing to test is your profile picture. I first started this process in a very unscientific way... One hundred, and I mean 100% of these said that my first image wasn't my best. It was interesting feedback, but I was not sure how I could test multiple pictures considering that I could only put one as the default option. The answer: testing across apps. I created profiles on Hinge, OKCupid, CoffeeMeetsBagel, and the dreaded Tindr. I kept my profile description the exact same on each profile, but I set up a different profile image on each. I rotated the images across profiles before I could find a big enough sample size and make sure that the platform wasn't effecting results. Four of my real dating profile pictures Sure enough, the profile picture which I thought was my best was always the one with the least matches. Interestingly enough, a picture I didn't read into, pic B, was really a massive turn off for pretty much 100 percent of women. When I asked them why, without skipping a beat they replied,"it makes you look like a player." I was shocked when I found this out, because the two girls in that photo are actually good friends of mine, so I never would have made that connection. Sometimes your photos can be your greatest blind spot. To totally test out this idea, I actually enrolled a couple of friends (both men and women) into the experiment and had them change out their profile pictures. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 2 This is a super simple optimization that can seem to be a pain today, but it will save you from dozens, if not hundreds, of missed matches.

5. This is the 20% of work that will get you that 80% improvement in results, so please rotate your photos and rotate them often. Top Tip: If you would like to speed this process up, you can actually ask your matches exactly what they think of your own pictures. If a conversation with a match wasn't going well, I decided to at least get some"user comments" by asking her why she swiped right and which of my photos she thought was best. (I also used this technique to ask recruiters why I was not getting jobs.) In highschool I had a history teacher, Mr. Hernandez, who gave me perhaps the worst piece of advice I've ever received:"just be yourself." Now, a part of the error may be my fault, because I took his advice very literally. I began to speak my thoughts, dress how I wanted to dress, and behave how I wished to act. This turned out to be a very bad idea. Without any filter or thought behind my actions, I rubbed more than a few people the wrong way. Now that I have matured a bit, I have come to realize that there is a difference between being your overall self and being yourself. Whether we like to admit it or not, we are never our complete selves except when we're by ourselves. Seth Godin has a great podcast on"signals," that you can listen to here. In the podcast, he explains that we actively choose which signs to give to other men and women. A guy wearing a button up top, as an example, is not always wealthy, but the button up top is putting out the sign that he's wealthy. Much like a person who wears all black and an anarchy necklace is signaling she doesn't want to follow society's rules, the man in the button up shirt is signaling that he's okay with subsequent convention. In college I met a woman at a party who immediately caught my attention. I approached her and we immediately hit off. We spent the entire party dancing and flirting. We made plans to have a lunch date at the college cafeteria later that week. I got to the cafeteria early and decided to save us a booth seat. As I was waiting, a woman walked up to me and smiled. I looked up and saw a cute girl dressed all in black, wearing black eyeshadow and an anarchy necklace around her neck. Initially I didn't even recognize her, but after a few baffled blinks with my eyes I realized it was my date. She sat down and we started talking. I was that man. I didn't really care what she dressed like, but as we picked up our conversation we soon realized we had practically nothing in common. The outfit she had used as a sign at the party did not match her personality at all. We finished the date cordially and proceeded on. Signals matter.

6. Choosing your signs is great, but picking false signals not so much. The same goes for your online dating profile description. You don't want to lie, but you also don't want to be your total self. You need to tell them about how you collect vintage records, you don't want to let them know about how you cry every time a U2 tune comes on. You want to tell them about the way you volunteer at the animal shelter, you don't want to tell them about how you ran over your cat. First impressions matter. Crafting a good description is perhaps the most difficult and personal piece of improving your online dating profile. There's no right answer, but there are definitely some wrong answers. The first step to getting a good dating profile description is using a clear structure. I break down a relationship profile description into 3 components: Headline: A brief sentence somebody can read quickly. Intro Paragraph: A little longer description that gives some colour to your interests and character. Call to Action: A desired action you want them to take. Online dating is inherently awkward, so help the other person by letting them know something you two can talk about. Ladies this is especially true for you. If you do not want guys messaging you"hello" or"wanna f*ck?" Then give them some fuel to start the conversation with. The Headline Unfortunately, people tend to surf online dating apps the way they surf social networking sites: fast and without much thought. It could be, in fact, that mobile devices have trained us to surf everything in a similar manner. Due to this, I think the headline is possibly the most important bit of your description and you should try different variations until you find one that works for you. After a lot of testing I discovered that this one worked best for me: The goal of the headline is to provide a quick snapshot of what is unique about you. Having a headline that is authentic, interesting, and short acts like a stop sign for the person who's scrolling through the dozens of profiles on their cell phone. It is likely that they'll laugh at the question. As any good content marketer knows, great content is all about respecting the medium that you're creating the content for. For instance, if I went into a woman in a bar and said,"Outdoorsy, curious, ambitious, active," she will definitely get up and leave. The opposite is true for online relationship, however. You need your headline to be fluff free. Keep it to a 3--6 words, or one sentence, and make sure it is quintessentially you. The Intro Paragraph After that initial curiosity is peaked, you can begin paving a path towards them getting to know you a little bit

7. more. This isn't the time to compose a novel about yourself. After all, this is only your 3rd touch point with this person, your headline and picture being the first two. The intro paragraph provides a little bit of color and perhaps some talking points that you two can talk about in chat (again, ladies, this is extremely important to include if you want to have more meaningful conversations). The intro paragraph which worked best for me was: "I love being outdoors as much as possible! Some of my favourite things are surfing, climbing, and playing volleyball. I am a creative at heart but I love learning about new and businesses ideas. I'm into photography, design, and Tim Ferriss. My ideal Saturday is playing volleyball at the beach with friends. My perfect Sunday is reading a good book at Promenade cafe." This paragraph outlines a couple of basic activities and hobbies I like as well as some non-standard things like business, design, and Tim Ferriss that might peak curiosity. The main thing to remember about this section is to avoid the generic actions that could apply to pretty much anyone. "I like hanging out with friends, watching films, binging on Netflix, and going on hikes." While I'm positive that there are people in the world who don't enjoy watching movies or hanging out with friends, probably 95% or more of the people in your area enjoy both those things too. Rather than trying to fit in, try to stand out. Try to balance your description between things most people like, so it's possible to discover common ground, but also things that are uniquely you. For instance in my description above: -- Most people like being outside and photography. -- Some people like surfing, climbing, and volleyball. -- But very few people like learning about companies or Tim Ferriss. This is optional, although it certainly helps. In marketing, a call to action (CTA) is the action that you want the user to take after they've viewed your content. In relationship, you essentially need the individual to message you. This seems like a no brainer, but I have found that a lot of people, both guys and girls, have been rejected so many times that they eventually become discouraged from making initial contact. I have heard countless stories of girls who have matched with a man who they really like, but the guy never messages them. When I ask them why they do not message first, it is said that they don't know what to say or they don't want to appear desperate.

8. The call to action helps alleviate this problem by making it clear that you want them to message you. Butobviously you don't want everyone to message you, so make your call to action specific. On OkCupid they have an individual section that states: "You should message me if..." ← This is OkCupid's sub-heading but you can just manually add it on other internet dating apps too. My CTA goes as follows: "You should message me if you are an interesting person who likes to play outdoors." Again, as with this information, when in doubt just check it out. Try using a call to action and see if your conversations improve. If they don't, just delete it. The attractiveness of dating programs is that rather than having 1--5 opportunities to make a connection, as you would if you went to a bar for instance, you have tens of thousands of chances and"do-overs" to play with. STEP 3 -- Making first contact and chatting The place where online dating falls flat on its face compared to"in real life" dating is when it comes to the conversation. Having to talk online as your initial conversation is a massive limitation when you're trying to start a new relationship. For one thing, it's a really unnatural way of communicating, because it's been proven that we receive 55% of our communication from non-verbal (or in this case non-typed) communication. It is logical then that when you take millions of people and set them in a supernatural communication environment you get some pretty unnatural conversations. While it might be fun to play around with bizarre conversation openers, if you're serious about finding a good relationship through online relationship, then it is a fantastic idea to study your results a little bit. As I got better at optimizing my profile, I started matching with more and more people. This gave me the opportunity to begin testing different conversation openers and see patterns that I just wouldn't have been able to see if I didn't have a high match rate. Listen to The Modern Dating Show Episode 6 I'll spare you some of the terrible thoughts I had, but in the spirit of good fun, let us examine how well you can judge a good opener from a poor one. What is it going?" B) "Hey! How was your weekend?" C) "Question: Batman or Superman?" (or any other variation of this type of question).

9. D) "Hey! (based on a book they listed in their profile) I'll allow you to think about it for a second. (I'll add some distance before the reply below. Scroll once you're ready.) Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the response Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer Scroll for the answer And the answer is... If you guessed D, then you picked the best answer! (If you guessed C, you chose the worst answer.) In order of best to worst, the replies are B, D, A, C (D being best). There are pluses and minuses to any conversation starter. While I found that the absolute best conversations resulting from"Hey! How did you like X book," that clearly depends if they have put a book in their profile. You can modify this to ask about some other part of the profile, like a picture or a location in their own pictures. The reason why I suspect that the book one works best though is because a) it shows you really read their profile and b) it indicates that you read. If I may use the book opener to initiate a conversation I usually also extend it to,"Hey! How did you like x book? I'm now reading'Losing my Virginity' by Richard Branson and highly recommend it!" (This is the way I opened the dialogue with my now-long-term girlfriend). Pretty much every conversation I began with this opener felt much more natural and went past a few messages. The second best option,"Hey! How was your weekend?" Works almost as well, but it's obviously limited to Sundays, Mondays, or Tuesdays. (It would be odd if you used this on a Friday). This worked pretty well, but not nearly too. I suspect it's because it sounds too much like I'm about to ask her on a date or it puts her on the spot to think about something interesting. The Do's & Don'ts of Online Conversation Now that you've made contact and another person has responded, it is time to have a conversation. Every dialog changes, but there are some guidelines that I'll put in here as hints. First, some online dating tips for guys:

10. DON'T attempt to be interesting by being obnoxiously weird. I can not tell you how many messages my female friends have shown me that noise objectively psychotic. The sad thing is that I know that the man is just nervous and trying to think of something interesting to say. Just have a normal conversation just like you want a friend. DO try to talk about things she's interested in but also add your own thoughts. Among the most common complaints I've heard from female friends is that they feel like they're being interviewed. Be certain that you ask questions, but that you also discuss things about yourself in equal measure. DON'T make comments about her appearance or body. Regardless of how well intentioned you are, it'll be perceived in the wrong way. Saying things like,"you are so beautiful! You have a cute smile! You are..." will only result in a polite"thank you" and will not create meaningful conversation. Now, a few online dating suggestions for girls: DO be nice and help direct the conversation. Even when I have tried to be friendly and nice, I have still received quite curt or standoff-ish answers. No matter how much men pretend they don't care about the conversation, they do. And they usually don't have any clue what they're doing, so offer them some help and direct the conversation in a positive direction. DON'T answer questions without asking some of your own. If you are tired of conversations feeling like interviews, then be certain to ask the guy about things he's interested in also. It takes two to tango. DON'T make conclusions too soon. In my experience women have a tendency to place a good deal more thought in their text messages than men do. If a guy says something jak zagadać do chłopaka na tinderze that seems weird or odd, give him the benefit of the doubt and do not read too much into it, chances are he did not either. Now a proposal for both parties: Attempt to move the conversation from online to in real life relatively quickly. Online dating is a great tool to meet someone, but it's just that. It's a tool, it isn't actual dating. My overall recommendation for moving from online to in real life is either one long conversation or two brief conversations. It should never take more than a week to set up a date. So, if you match with each other on a Monday, you should definitely have started talking about using a date by Wednesday. So yes, use the programs, but also get them off quickly. In real life is a good deal more fun too in case you know how to set up great dates... Step 4 -- Making a date sequence that will make you smile more and sweat less After I had mastered the online portion of dating, I soon realized that securing the date is just half the battle. The second half of this battle, how well the date goes, is largely determined before you've even set out from your

11. house. In which you have your date determines about 50--70 percent of the results of the date. But first a question... Where is the worst place to have a date? As it happens, it is actually at the most commonly selected dating location: A sit-down restaurant. At first I was taking all of my dates to restaurants for dinner. But remember, I was totally new to relationship so I was just following what I had seen in movies. Many of them didn't go well, but I wasn't sure why. After a dozen or so embarrassing (and pricey ) dates, I determined that I should experiment with several other locations. What happened next was absolutely mind blowing. Almost like flipping a light switch, my dates improved tremendously. It wasn't that I was doing anything differently or that I was picking better girls to go on dates with, it was simply a matter of context. Here's why I think dinner dates don't work, it goes something like this: You meet a complete stranger out a restaurant. You sit down at a table. You start talking, then the waiter interrupts asking about drinks. You choose beverages. You continue to talking. The waiter interrupts again for your food order. You are not ready to order because you have been talking. The waiter gives you"another minute." You examine the menu making comments about the choices. The server comes back ten minutes later. You continue talking. Then you run out of things to talk about. What should you do next? There are no exits, nothing around to comment on, nothing to see or do. You need to keep talking. Talk... Talk... Talk! A dinner date provides no choices. It's a singular task that depends on you connecting with a complete stranger almost immediately. This problem is exacerbated by the fact that most of us are getting worse at having in-person discussions. Spending so much time online has improved our written communication skills, but it has also atrophied our in- house communication abilities. So, if we're getting worse at getting in-person conversations, why would you bet your whole love life on the fact you will be able to have an remarkable in-person conversation with a complete stranger? I was holding on to a small ledge, about the size of a golf-ball, while the rest of my body dangled 30-feet above the ground like a giant cat toy. My fingers began to sweat and I knew that I couldn't hold on to the ledge much longer. "O well," I thought,"this will be a good bonding experience." As I let my fingers slip off the ledge I expected the sharp shock of the rope in my climbing harness. However, there was no jolt. I started falling for what felt like eternity. As it turns out, my climbing partner had let go of the rope as I'd slipped off the ledge. She panicked and did not

12. grab the rope until I had dropped 15 ft to what I was certain was my forthcoming death. Eventually the rope finally stopped and I felt a huge jolt, both emotionally and physically. "Okay this date may be a little too exciting," I thought. My whole dating career made a 180-degree turn when I began taking my dates on fun activities rather than dinners. I'd take them to play tennis, rock climb, festivals, picnics at the beach, music shows, and everything in between. Some of these activities worked better than others. But I found out that the most essential elements to a great date place could be distilled into three classes: Walkability -- Do we need to sit together or can we walk around? When you're walking, your scenery is shifting so you can grab new conversation topics as you go. "O look at that naked guy on rollerblades!" Action -- Can we do the activity reasonably well? I've seen guys get this one pretty wrong. It's fun to teach someone something that you're passionate about, but be sure it's not too hard. Taking a woman rock climbing? Make sure she isn't afraid of heights first. Scalability -- Can the date grow or shrink in scale as needed? Having a terrific time? Great! Let's go get dessert! No chemistry? No problem, how can we end the date sooner? With these three criteria, I crafted a 3 date sequence that nearly doubled the amount of successful dates I went on. I know what you're thinking,"This guy took women out to the same areas like it was some kind of regimented assembly line?" No. This was my go-to order, but, based on interests, I'd substitute unique activities to keep the dates interesting. This was merely a template that simplified my decisions and reduced the cognitive load I was putting in my brain. So here is my perfect dating sequence: Date #1 -- Off the Grid: Off the Grid is a gathering of food trucks each Friday from the San Francisco bay. Why I like it: One of the problems of inviting someone out to dinner is that everyone has different food preferences. Then (if you're a man ) you've got to account for cost of food. Off the grid solves this since there are over 20 distinct types of (affordable) cuisine. It also lets you walk around, people watch, and get drinks. You can extend the date by getting dessert or listening to the live bands. Feel like going all out?

13. Date #2 -- Variable: This date could vary based on interests but I had a few go-tos, specifically: Little Italy, rock climbing, tennis, picnic on the beach. Why I like it: These activities had in common were the 3 factors: walkability, activity, scalability. We could walk around Little Italy, catch cannolis, stay for drinks at Jack Karouac's favourite bar, or abort early. With both rock climbing and tennis we could alternate between talking and activity. If we did a picnic on the beach, we could go for romantic walks or huddle around a fire pit on Ocean Beach. Date #3 -- Cal Academy Adult Night: An adult-only night in the Cal Academy of Sciences where you can grab drinks and look at exhibits. Why I like it: This date was particularly important because if a girl had made it #3, it meant I really liked her. Additionally, it meant we might take the relationship to the bedroom. The Cal Academy night fulfilled all requirements, also it was a semi-formal occasion so we can both dress well for that particular night. This was also my secret evaluation because if a girl did not like science and facts it likely wouldn't work out between us anyway. Listen to all the episodes of The Modern Dating Show These are just three examples of how to take online dating offline and make a reasonably successful dating sequence. Here are a few tips on what to search for on every date as you attempt to make your own dating sequence: Date #1: Search for a casual environment that isn't intimidating. Dark bars or loud places do not make for great conversation. Make certain that you can reliably visit this place, so avoid places with long waits or where you will need to make reservations. Make sure you are able to schedule the date for a weeknight (try to not book someone's weekend for a first date). Date #2: You have broken the ice and you've both agreed to another date, so have fun with this one! Choose an activity you will both like that isn't too difficult. Ideally choose an activity which has a cadence in which you alternate between doing something and talking. Going on a 10 mile run is fantastic for exercise, but it doesn't allow for conversation. Seeing a movie at a movie theater has similar limitations. Date #3: You confirmed you like each other, it's time to take it to another level. Try to make this date a bit more special than the first two. It should be romantic, it should test how compatible you both really are, and it should confirm whether you want to keep on seeing each other long term. After the excitement of dates and two, there can be a lull in date 3, so make sure whatever you select gives new intimacy to the connection. By way of instance, if I didn't visit the Cal Academy I would go dancing instead. STEP 5 -- Getting your Timing Right maybe among the most important pieces of the internet dating mystery that I see men screw up again and again is timing. Assuming the guy is the one forcing the dating sequence (which is not necessarily the case) there are some questions you will need to ask: When should you ask her to go on a date? When should you go for the kiss? Here I'll share my answers to these questions that I've found most useful. But again, depending upon your context, your culture, and your own comfort your answers may vary. I will share my experience (as a heterosexual male living in San Francisco) and you can make whatever adjustments you deem appropriate. The important thing is to actually consider timing, as opposed to leaving it up to"feeling." Going from Online to Offline

14. It is quite easy to let a great online dialog die out. You message her, she messages you, back and forth, forth and back. In order to make sure I do not waste all my time with online conversations I found it was best to ask a woman to go on a date after about 2 days of messaging or about 20 minutes of continuous conversation. Again, try not to linger at the safe-space of the digital world too long. It might feel like it's necessary, but it is very easy to waste plenty of time and momentum in the chat room. Going from Date 1 to Date 2 When I was 25, functioning as"the new man" at a tech startup, my desk was placed right behind the sales staff. One thing I noticed is that each and every time they were ending a call they would ask,"okay so what does your calendar look like for next week? Busy? Okay how about the week then? O that's no great too. Okay how about the week then?" No matter what the prospect said, the salesperson would always insist on at least"penciling" the next meeting to the calendar with the choice of cancelling if desired. When I took this technique and applied it to dating, it led to some pretty incredible results. This rule is a bit contrarian, but it has worked really well: Always request the second date on the first date. One of the worst things about dating is that you are putting yourself out there. You're opening yourself up to strangers and in return you are getting plenty of uncertainty. Nobody likes uncertainty. No one likes to look at their phone every hour to determine if you've texted them or not. No one likes to wonder if you like them or not. Surprisingly, most individuals don't mind if you do not like them, they only want to know. So my suggestion would be to stop playing games, both with another person and with yourself. If you like them, tell them you like them. If you do not, have the respect to let them know you don't. (A gentle way to do this is by telling them you aren't prepared to date at this time. I had a girl tell me this and it was the simplest let down I have ever experienced and used it later myself too). I must pause here for a single caveat: Yes, you should tell them you like them, but not always. Nobody likes to be smothered or chased constantly. I see this a lot with both guys and girls who get very excited by the person they have just met and then they proceed to text them, call them, and see them day after day after day. Stop Chasing Shadows once I was thirteen years old, my grandfather gave me some advice that I still use to this day. He explained,"Women are like shadows, the more you pursue them, the longer they run away. The more you run away, the longer they chase you." If you discover someone who you want to be with really poorly, don't frighten them away by being obsessive. If they like you too, there is no need to chase them. Yes, you should consciously attempt to set up a date, but there

15. is no reason to go on dates every single night of the week. Permit the relationship to have some breathing room. A good way to judge if a relationship is going well is if you end up missing the other person and vice versa. There's a great deal of truth in the saying,"absence makes the heart grow fonder," and now there's even scientific evidence for it also. In several studies, anthropologists have found that many primates invest more effort into a relationships if the individuals in that relationship have been forced apart. What is interesting is that researchers at the Aalto University in Finland have recently confirmed that the same holds true in humans. By data mining cell phone records and comparing call patterns and duration, the researchers at the university found that people may also invest more effort into relationships when there is a risk of that connection weakening. I tried applying this research to dating in a relatively straightforward way and, to my surprise, it worked nicely. It turns out that by simply allowing for some time to elapse in between dates, paradoxically, makes the connection strengthen rather than weaken. My cadence for relationship I found worked pretty well was the following: Date 1 -- Day 0 Date 2 -- 7 days after Date 1 Date 3 -- 14 days after Date 2 Date 4 -- factor This sequence meant that I'd spread out the first 3 dates across a 1 month period. This allowed for sufficient time for the relationship to grow and helped me make sure I did not suffocate my dates, which was especially helpful when I was really into them. Takeaways and Next Steps As I mentioned at the start of the post, these dating strategies helped me tremendously, but based upon your context, your culture, and your own comfort, your procedure might need to be different than the one above. In fact, because dating is such an emotional activity (like job hunting), it is imperative to have a system in place that will assist you navigate the ups and downs. By engaging in online dating you're getting on a rollercoaster of emotions and, like on a real rollercoaster, it would be foolish to just hop on and hold on. Making sure you have that lap belt secured and that you've been on a few less extreme rides will help you enjoy the ride a whole lot more. As we frequently discuss about the podcast, when you let go of expectations and just create your target just having fun with other human beings, online dating becomes something to look forward to rather than something to dread. Similar to the advice of world-class investors, you need to diversify your portfolio and minimize your risk of catastrophic failure. A way of doing this is by going on dates which are not just sit-down dinners, so that regardless of how your relationship partner behaves, at least you'll have a good time doing something fun.

16. And, to decrease the risk, you need to build both an outreach and relationship sequence so you reduce the cognitive load of having to think of new dates constantly. Find a few activities you enjoy doing and then fit the dates into these activities. This is also a wonderful way to filter out people who aren't compatible with you in the first place, which will save you time and money in the long run. Naturally, regardless of how well I did all the above things, I still had my share of terrible dates. The girl who used me as a meal program being just one of several. But remember, once you're feeling down and like giving up on love altogether: "You are not as bad as they say you are, you're also not as good as you think you are." Take every date as an opportunity to improve yourself. If you work on yourself, improving your conversations, your dates, and your connection with others, that investment will pay off far beyond online dating. If you enjoyed this post, I would super love if you hit the green hand clap button below so that more people can find it. And, if you've any more questions about dating, hear our podcast where you can submit your own dating questions and we'll answer them on the show.