Foundations of Positive Parenting

1. Foundations of Positive Parenting By Michele D. Aluoch,LPCC

2. Top Ten Family Stresses • 1. Economic/finances/budgeting • 2. Children’s behavior/discipline/sibling fighting • 3. Not enough couple time • 4. Lack of shared responsibility in the family • 5. Communicating with children

3. Top Ten Family Stresses • 6. Not enough “me” time • 7. Guilt for not getting enough done • 8. Spousal relationship/communication friendship/sex • 9. Not enough family playtime • 10. Overscheduled family calendar.

4. Stress Management What keeps you and your family “stressed out?” _______________________________________ _______________________________________ _______________________________________

5. Characteristics of Healthy Families • View stress as a normal part of family life • Share feelings as well as words • Develop conflict resolution and creative coping skills • Have a strong support system • Are flexible • Talk about money • Do not link self esteem with amt of $ earned • Develop money management skills • Teach kids about money • Set aside family communication time • Focus less on talking and more on listening • Don’t assume what others will say or do • Admit weaknesses and problems • Develop an appropriate timetable for dealing with stress (e.g. “when cooled down”)

6. Characteristics of Healthy Families • Take into account both verbal and nonverbal behavior • Being in relationship is more important than behavior being prefect, precise, and exact • Children are respected for their uniqueness • Children feel loved and attended to • Children feel acknowledged and heard • Appropriate/desirable behavior is not only said; it also modeled • Clear but flexible rules • Limit amount of work taken home • Make sure job does not interfere w/family time

7. Characteristics of Healthy Families • Try not to work over 40 hours/week • Spend time with friends • Nurture their spiritual life • Balance couple and personal time • Dignity/respect as a person is valued over power/status as an individual • Cooperation is a family value • Decisions are made as a family unit because of what each of us does affects • others around us • Home responsibilities are shared • Lowered housekeeping standards • Optimism and hope for the future

8. Key Problem Areas in Parenting Issues: 1. Too Little Control 2. Too Much Control <-----------------------------------------------------------------------> Permissive Speaking the Truth Overprotective In Love

9. Too Little Control • Permissive, “just a kid” • Parent does the work and takes the child’s responsibility • May be manipulative but little follow up later • Bribery • Politeness • Questions • Conflicting messages • Battles of will • Fear of “hurting” the child’s feelings • Consequences: unruly, rude, insensitive, behavior disordered, irresponsible, selfish, spoiled, suffer in the “real” world

10. Too Much Control • Overly strict • Children are a reflection of the parent • Smothering child • Perfectionist standards • Emphasis on “rightness”, little room for mercy or forgiveness • Consequences: insecure, perfectionist or “I don’t care” attitude, inadequacy, boys = particularly effeminate if mom was overbearing and look to woman to replace mom, inflexible and unable to cope with “real life” situations that require adaptability

11. What is the goal? • Stop immediate behavior because you feel annoyed as a parent • Teach long term lessons

12. Therapeutic Approaches for Children’s Issues • Individual psychotherapy-counseling with the child one-on-one to build skills sets that are missing, especially cognitive-behavioral therapy which addresses faulty thoughts/beliefs and behavior patterns and establishes new ones • Social Learning Family Theory (SLFT)- Problem behavior is the result of and maintained by maladaptive family home interactions. Family systems in which there tend to be children with behavior problems promote aggression and suppress prosocial behavior. In these family systems inappropriate behavior (e.g. temper tantrums, lack of following parental rules, bad attitudes) are reinforced by parental reactions. Counseling treatment focuses on addressing dysfunctional interchanges, building parenting skills sets in more positive areas, use of milder discipline, and facilitating compromises.

13. Therapeutic Approaches for Children’s Issues • Structural Family therapy (SFT)- The family is viewed as disorganized and malfunctioning. Therapy “counsels” the entire family as the identified clients with the goal being re-organization • Multitarget Ecological Treatment (MET)- There are multiples etiologies which all combine to contribute to behavioral issues in children, parenting and family concerns, etc. Therapy should simultaneously address these various aspects. • IRS Method- Therapist increases parental awareness of, isolates, and debates toxic parenting assumptions which lead to unhealthy parenting.

14. Therapeutic Approaches for Children’s Issues • Parent-Professional Team Approach- Assumption (supported by some research) that downfalls of therapist only led parenting groups or parent facilitated groups can be midigated by the two working in unison with some advanced training and contract ahead of time. • Strengths-Based/Solution-Focused Therapy - Looks at ways of building on child strengths rather than weaknesses and deficits. Involves reframing even deficits as strengths.

15. Basic Behavior Modification Principles • Behaviors are governed by antecedents and consequences • For a specific person • About a specific behavior that is: • Identifiable • Measurable • Modifiable • Achievable • Centered around certain conditions (where, when, who, etc.) • Behaviors are designed to meet needs (attention seeking, escape or avoidance, control, self-expression)

16. PART ONE Building Prosocial Appropriate Behavior

17. Keys Across Literature of Things Important to Good Behavior • Family time • Likes to read • Minimal TV, game, technology time • Behavior concerns addressed

18. Step One: Attending • I. The Problem of Attention-Seeking Today • II. The Problem of Multiple Roles of Parents • III. How Overscheduling and Time Mgmt. Contribute to Attending Problems • IV. Environmental Influences

19. How To Attend • Full Attention • Newsreporter style • Naming, describing (avoid questions, discussions debates) • Remark about changes/differences • Prefer quality over quantity • Consistency

20. Exercise: Case Scenarios • John is fascinated by different types of toy cars. He has quite the collection of cars. One day during mommy-John time she notices Johns play with his cars. He races the fast sports cars. Then he puts others cars in a line and ha some of them crash. He brings the emergency vehicles over and the road crew. • When the phone rings mom stops to answer the phone and Johnny throws his cars around the room.

21. Exercise: Case Scenarios • Mary Ellen enjoys coloring. She especially loves to makes pictures of flowers. In today’s drawing she chooses pink and purple shades for the petals f the flowers. When drawing the petals though she cannot find the “regular” green. There is only a yellowish green or a deep forst green. She comments, “this is isn’t right! The flowers aren’t supposed to look like this.” • She starts ripping her paper and crumbling it up because she thinks it did not turn out the way she planned with the certain green color.

22. Exercise: Case Scenarios • Lou likes watching his dad mow the lawn and work in the yard. He uses his toy lawn mower and plastic tools in the yard too. He walks in a line up and down the grass to mow evenly just like his dad- up and down, up and down. That is until the wheel gets stuck on a branch and some leaves. He can’t push the plastic mower in a nice line like dad anymore. “This is stupid! Its messing up everything now!” Lou screams.

23. Exercise: Case Scenarios • Cara is getting dressed to hang out this evening with her teen friends. She had picked out the “prefect” outfit but when she put it on just before heading out the door the jacket ripped. She definitely can’t wear it now! The only other jacket at all like it is in her closet is two years old!!! Her friends and the other teens would certainly see that it’s not the current style!!! She stomps around pulling frantically at the clothes in her closet.

24. Application Practicing Attending with Partner

25. Dealing With Common Problems Faced During Attending Time • Inappropriate behavior during attending time • Kids noticing attending differences in parents • Other participant questions

26. Empathy: Advanced Attending • Empathize; don’t sympathize Five key ingredients: • 1. Give your child full attention. • 2. Acknowledge the child’s feelings with a word. • 3. Name the child’s feeling. • 4. Meet the child where he/she is at. • 5. Give the child wishes in fantasy. • 6. Don’t solve the child’s problem for him or her.

27. Hindrances to Advanced Attention/Empathy 1. Blame/Accusation • “How can you do that? • “What’s the matter with you?” • “How many times do I have to repeat myself?” • “You never _____.” • “You always _____.” As a child I’d feel __________ .

28. Hindrances to Advanced Attention/Empathy 2. Name Calling • “That was (stupid dumb, etc.).” • “You are such a (bad by/girl, idiot, irresponsible person, etc). As a child I’d feel _______________ .

29. Hindrances to Advanced Attention/Empathy 3. Threatening • “If you don’t shut up and listen you will get the whipping of your life.” • “If you don’t get ready, I’m leaving you here alone.” • “Next time you take something that doesn’t belong to you, you’ll be spanked again so much that you will never want to touch another person’s stuff again.” • “You think you’re in trouble now! Just wait and see the punishment you’ll get next time. You’ll be grounded so long you’ll feel like you’ve forgotten what it look like outside this house.” As a child I’d feel __________ .

30. Hindrances to Advanced Attention/Empathy 4) Commanding • “Don’t look at me like that. You do your homework now!” • “Move it! You’ve already wasted enough time.” • “I told you to clean your room now!” As a child I’d feel ___________ .

31. Hindrances to Advanced Attention/Empathy 6. Sarcasm • “How smart. Forgetting your homework for the 5th time in one week- a new record.” • “You expect to go out looking like that. You’ll get noticed all right.” As a child I’d feel _____________

32. Hindrances to Advanced Attention/Empathy 7. Prophecy • “If you keep acting like that you’ll never have any friends.” • “I can just see you as a parent. You’ll let your kids do whatever they want.” As a child I’d feel _______________ .

33. I Messages I feel _______ because ________ and in the future I want _______.

34. I Messages You MessageI Message You are so hurtful and I feel disrespected when the mean to everyone. family rules are not followed. If they are not respected ___ will happen. You need to try harder. I am very proud of your efforts You could do so much when I see you putting time in better. your work even when it means having to wait to watch cartoons. You are the nicest person I am encouraged when you think I know. of how your choices affect others.

35. Developing Empathy Skills What the Research Says (Brems,C.& Sohl,M.A.-1995) • Empathy’s profound effect on interpersonal relationships established • Parenting empathy-“awareness of a child’s needs [that] entails the ability of the parent to understand the condition or state of mind of the child without actually experiencing the feelings of the child.” (Bavolek, 1984)

36. Developing Empathy Skills • Empathy versus stereotypes • Second only to “child behavior history” as a predictor of parenting outcomes • Less likely to endorse physical punishment and more likely to endorse passive-aggressive forms of discipline like ignoring the child whether good or bad

37. Listening to the Speaker • 1. Experiences- what is happening • 2. Behaviors- what he or she is doing or not doing • 3. Feelings/Emotions- expressed or implied • 4. Thoughts and Beliefs- internal cognitions and perceptions

38. Common Empathic Lead Ins • It sounds like… • I hear you saying… • It seems like… • It appears as though’’’ • From my perspective… • As I see it… • It looks like… • If I hear you right… • Correct me if I am wrong but… • Your feel… • I sense that… Is that correct?

39. Exercise: Empathisizing With The Child • “You always bug me right after school when Im with my friends. Don’t you have a life besides bothering me. Why are you so eager to mess up my friendships? I feel so embarrassed because my friend’s parenst don’t all call them right after school like you do and when they do talk with them its not like a million questions like when you and I talk.”

40. Exercise: Empathisizing With The Child • Let’s face it- people can tell were not from here. You tell me to try and be nice and fit in but the fact is I don’t fit in. We don’t fit in with our country ways and dad being a farmer and us wearing that stupid thrift store crap. Who are we fooling. We are not like them. I will never be like them. There’s no fitting in here ever.”

41. Exercise: Empathisizing With The Child • “How am I supposed to keep up with all that? You want me to just concentrate more and pay attention as if I’m not already doing that. When you don’t understand it paying attention more to what you don’t understand does not make you suddenly understand it! Why is the problem always me- like I don’t focus enough? I don’t think I’ll ever be as smart as you guys or as good at school as my brothers and sisters so you better get that in your head now. That just won’t be me no matter how hard I try.”

42. Exercise: Empathisizing With The Child • “Darn right I’m not happy. I had the life I wanted where we came from. Then we moved here. You guys got better jobs but I lost everything that was important to me. Things will never be the same again. I was perefectly fine and you ripped everything good, happy and fun out form under me. It’s all your fault!!!”

43. Communications Game Exercise Modeling and Practicing Communication Game • 1) Are you feeling ____? • 2) You feel this because _____? • 3) You wish ___ would happen? • Key= get three “Yes” answers before moving on to next family member

44. Praising • How praising works with attending Characteristics of praising: • 1. Describe things • 2. Summarize with a descriptive word • 3. Give child a new picture of self • 4. Store special moments

45. Praising Exercise: Modeling attending and praising

46. Praising • Eye contact • Physical contact: hug, high five • Letting child choose activity • Sparingly use nonsocial rewards

47. Exercise: Attending and Praising • John is fascinated by different types of toy cars. He has quite the collection of cars. One day during mommy-John time she notices Johns play with his cars. He races the fast sports cars. Then he puts others cars in a line and ha some of them crash. He brings the emergency vehicles over and the road crew. • When the phone rings mom stops to answer the phone and Johnny throws his cars around the room.

48. Exercise: Attending and Praising • Mary Ellen enjoys coloring. She especially loves to makes pictures of flowers. In today’s drawing she chooses pink and purple shades for the petals f the flowers. When drawing the petals though she cannot find the “regular” green. There is only a yellowish green or a deep forst green. She comments, “this is isn’t right! The flowers aren’t supposed to look like this.” • She starts ripping her paper and crumbling it up because she thinks it did not turn out the way she planned with the certain green color.

49. Exercise: Attending and Praising • Lou likes watching his dad mow the lawn and work in the yard. He uses his toy lawn mower and plastic tools in the yard too. He walks in a line up and down the grass to mow evenly just like his dad- up and down, up and down. That is until the wheel gets stuck on a branch and some leaves. He can’t push the plastic mower in a nice line like dad anymore. “This is stupid! Its messing up everything now!” Lou screams.

50. Exercise: Attending and Praising • “You always bug me right after school when Im with my friends. Don’t you have a life besides bothering me. Why are you so eager to mess up my friendships? I feel so embarrassed because my friend’s parenst don’t all call them right after school like you do and when they do talk with them its not like a million questions like when you and I talk.”