Causes of Family Conflict and Methods for Resolving it

2. Causes of Family Conflict and Methods for Resolving it Tricia Abrizenski April 06, 2011 Family Communications 1770-91 Sp11

3. con·flict  noun \ˈkän-ˌflikt\ 1: FIGHT, BATTLE, WAR <an armed conflict> 2a: competitive or opposing action of incompatibles :antagonistic state or action (as of divergent ideas, interests, or persons) b: mental struggle resulting from incompatible or opposing needs, drives, wishes, or external or internal demands.

4. What causes conflict? There is no denying that, under certain circumstances, just about anything can be a cause of family conflict; and one of the most important things you can learn about conflict is what the causes are. So what are some of the MAIN causes of conflict within families? • Finances • Jobs • Change in residence • Differences in disciplining • Separation or Divorce • Extended or blended families • Illness • Death These are only a few of the many causes for family conflict, but seem to be some of the root causes of it.

5. Some Causes of Conflict Within Families Finances: As nearly anyone and they will tell you that one of the main causes of conflict in their family relationships is finances (money). “Money is the root of all evil”, and when it comes to family conflict that is somewhat true. It’s not the root of ALL evil but a good portion of it. Jobs: We’re told beginning with our first job to leave work at work and home at home, or vice versa. It can be difficult at times to do either. The line between work and home can become blurred when one or both people work from home. In those instances leaving the office at the office can be challenging.

6. Change in Residence Moving, either because of finances, for a new job, or just because people move, can be a trying experience for all involved. Dealing with timelines, arranging schedules, buying supplies for the new home, combining residences and needing to downsize, taking the time for packing and cleaning etc. can all be very stressful and result in conflict especially when not everyone is on the same page. Children can have an especially hard time with moving if they have a number of friends in the area that they will be leaving or if it means transferring schools.

7. Differences in Disciplining and Child Rearing Some parents have very different parenting styles which will almost certainly lead to conflict between the parents, as well as conflicts between the parents and children. This can be especially true when one parenting style is considerably more lenient than the other. Drastically varying styles in parenting can begin to sow the seeds of obstinacy in the future and give children the impression that the parent attempting to exercise discipline really has no power or “say” in the matter.

8. Separation and Divorce While divorce and separation can be caused by a number of factors (some of which are listed in this presentation) it will also inevitably result in more conflict within the family. Some conflicts that may result in separation and/or divorce can be related to finances, addiction, differences in opinion regarding child rearing or disciplinary action, abuse, infidelity, etc. Conflicts that result from divorce (especially in the instance that children are involved) are feeling as though one must choose sides, alienation from the opposite side of the family or even siblings when multiple children are split between separating or divorcing parents.

9. Blended Families Blending families can be much like cooking an extravagant meal wherein there is a very delicate balance of different spices and components. If there is too much of one thing with nothing (or not enough) to balance it then it can cause conflict between the flavors. One or both parents may not feel it is there place to interject an opinion or reprimand the children of their partner or their partner may not feel that it is the place of the interjecting party to do so. Unequal standards and expectations can also result if one family is viewed as being fairly “ideal” and the other as substandard. A man or woman who divorces from a “working class” partner and “marries up” will most certainly become aware of differences in the way their children have been raised. The children from the “working class” partnership may, in some instances, be subject to different rules or standards than that of the “ideal” family. Let’s face it… even the Brady’s had conflict.

10. Illness An illness in the family can be more than just stressful but maddening and is another leading cause of conflict. Disagreements about how to handle the health, medical, and financial obligations of an ailing parent, child, or sibling can lead to extreme conflicts through differences of opinion due to the facts that, most often, people have the best interest of the ailing party in mind; yet at times some people have only themselves and what is convenient or beneficial to them in mind.

11. Death Funeral arrangements, financial obligations, estate divisions, etc. cause conflict in part due to the heightened emotions of those dealing with the grief of a loss. All of these various situations and circumstance can be the cause and/or result of conflict and there are a number of ways to address these conflicts and to help solve them.

12. Sometimes conflicts in the home are completely unintentional and unavoidable. In these instances communication is of the highest importance. Talking to one another openly, honestly, and respectfully is a step in the right direction. You also need to listen equally as well, with an open mind, while refraining from being judgmental or passing blame, in order to understand the other person’s perspective and ultimately to resolve the conflict at hand. In many cases people never really resolve their conflicts because of a number of reasons. You may not have been as open or honest as you should have been or held back some of the issues that needed to be addressed which were at the core of the problem needing to be resolved. Being an active communicator also means being an active listener and paying close attention to what the other person is trying to say to you. Methods for Resolving Conflict

13. Methods for Resolving Conflict Finances: Jobs: One solution that my boyfriend and I have found is that there is a certain amount of time allotted every month for working from home. As I am a student, during the time that we are spending “together” doing couples activities, there is a certain amount of time allotted every month for “working”. Conversely, he works and has the need to do some of that work from home outside of normal working hours. For these reasons we decided that we should have an allotted time outside of our normal working hours for work at home when we’re together. We both also understand that on rare occasion there may be circumstances or projects of great importance that will require us to use more than the allotted time that we have set aside and that’s fine… sometimes. As long as we both understand and agree and neither of us violates the agreement then all is well and no conflict should arise and this is one suggestion for working towards resolving work vs. home conflicts. In most cases couples share their money; therefore it is important to discuss the needs and wants of each person and to develop a plan of how to spend and save money. Once a plan has been developed, each person has an understanding of what is expected and disagreements are less likely. Sometimes family members will argue or attack each other because they don’t agree with the way money is being spent. Money is a personal matter that should not be made open for discussion. However, in the instance that you have a family member that is continually asking for loans from others, you may want to make alternative suggestions so as to curb that family member’s continued borrowing.

14. Methods for Resolving Conflict Change in residence : Discipline & Child Rearing: Parents may not always agree on how to raise their child, which is why compromise is important. Deciding which views a person is most passionate about and which they are willing to be flexible with is one step in the right direction. If parents are equally passionate about their beliefs then it may be necessary to incorporate both into the decision even if it isn’t ideally what each person wants. It’s also important that extended family members be mindful and respectful of the child rearing and disciplinary decisions made by the parents and set their own beliefs aside. To NOT do so crosses a boundary and will only be the cause of more conflict. Scheduling and compromise are key components to easing the strain and conflict that can arise from changing residences especially when combining households. My personal experience with moving has not been good. My personal feelings are that if you are moving from one place to another, togetherness is the key. It is far less stressful and less conflicting to have those who are moving working together to either agree how things should be organized and packed or to actually do the packing. Developing a plan in which all are in agreement or working together closely to do the actual work will help considerably in avoiding conflicts.

15. Methods for Resolving Conflict Separation or Divorce Extended & Blended Families Resolving conflict in blended families can be touchy. Remember to set realistic expectations for all children in the family and set rules that everyone is expected to abide. You may even go so far as to visibly post the rules to avoid confusion or accusations of unfair treatment. Be sure that your home is a place for open communication where everyone feels that their opinion matters and will be taken into consideration. And be patient… not pushy. In the initial stages, try presenting the new parent as a “counselor” as opposed to a disciplinarian. When experiencing a separation or divorce it is very important to try to minimize conflict if there are children involved. Because children learn, in part, by example, it’s especially important to show them that even though the marriage was unsuccessful people can work together despite their differences for the greater good. Badmouthing the ex or continually fighting without resolution only shows children that problems cannot be solved. It can be very difficult to parent children when two people have unresolved issues that exist between them. Keep in mind that it is for the greater good of the children that you speak respectfully to one another and work together to parent and resolve conflicts. Remember to stay focused on your children and THEIR needs.

16. There are many ways in which we can deal with conflict and when done properly, and constructively, conflict can actually be a GOOD thing! Conflict and conflict resolution helps us to build our character, learn more about our partners and the people we interact with regularly, and it also helps to build those relationships and in some cases make them even closer than before.

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