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Crucial Conversations. Tools for Talking When Stakes are High Presented by Adena Fritz June 9, 2009 NPMA Harbour Lights Chapter. About the Book. New York Times Best Seller Authors: Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzer Paperback, 230 pages $16.95 at Borders

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crucial conversations

Crucial Conversations

Tools for Talking When Stakes are High

Presented by Adena Fritz

June 9, 2009

NPMA Harbour Lights Chapter

about the book
About the Book
  • New York Times Best Seller
  • Authors: Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzer
  • Paperback, 230 pages
  • $16.95 at Borders
  • Information available online at www.crucialconversations.com
what is a crucial conversation
What is a Crucial Conversation?
  • A Crucial Conversation is a discussion between two or more people where:
    • Stakes are high,
    • Opinions vary, and
    • Emotions run strong.
some examples
Some Examples
  • Talking to a coworker who behaves offensively
  • Giving the boss feedback about his/her behavior
  • Critiquing a colleague’s work
  • Talking to a team member who is not keeping commitments
  • Giving an unfavorable performance review
  • Talking to a coworker about a personal hygiene problem
three options
Three Options
  • When faced with a Crucial Conversation you can do one of three things:
    • Avoid it
    • Face it and handle it poorly
    • Face it and handle it well
reasons we handle them poorly
Reasons We Handle Them Poorly
  • We are designed wrong
  • We are under pressure (with a barely functioning brain)
  • Caught off guard, we improvise
  • We act in self-defeating ways and make things worse!
reasons to learn to handle them well
Reasons to Learn to Handle Them Well
  • Improve your career
  • Improve your organization
  • Improve your relationships
  • Improve your personal health
  • Revitalize your community
tool stay in dialogue
Tool: Stay in Dialogue
  • What it is:
    • The free flow of meaning between two or more people
  • What it is not:
    • Debate or argument, trying to “win”
    • Hints, sarcasm, innuendo, verbal attacks, accusations
    • Giving the silent treatment, running away
    • Playing games

pool of

shared

meaning

how to stay in dialogue
How to Stay in Dialogue
  • “Start With the Heart” - begin with the right motives
  • Stay focused on your goal no matter what
  • If you fall out of dialogue ask:
    • What do I want for myself?
    • What do I want for others?
    • What do I want for the relationship?
    • How would I behave if I really wanted these things?
tool make it safe
Tool: Make it Safe
  • Establish and maintain mutual purpose and respect
      • Do others believe you care about their goals?
      • Do they trust your motives?
      • Do others believe you respect them?
when safety is at risk
When Safety is at Risk

When mutual purpose and or respect are at risk, it is no longer “safe” and you are no longer in dialogue!

  • Tools
    • Apologize (when appropriate and sincere)
    • Contrast to fix misunderstandings
tool use contrasting
Tool: Use Contrasting
  • A don’t/do statement that:
    • Addresses others’ concerns that you don’t respect them or that you have a malicious purpose
    • Confirms your respect or clarifies your real purpose
  • Is not apologizing
  • Provides context and proportion
  • Useful for prevention or first aid
contrasting role plays
Contrasting Role Plays
  • Given a scenario, respond with a contrasting statement that:
    • Addresses the other’s conclusion that you don’t respect them or that you have a malicious purpose (the don’t part)
    • Confirms your respect or clarifies your real purpose (the do part)
tool master your stories
Tool: Master Your Stories
  • Offensive claim Others don’t make you mad – YOU make you mad!!
  • How? In between a persons action and our reaction, we tell ourselves a story
  • Stories:
    • Our interpretation of the facts
    • Help us answer why and how and what
path to action
Path To Action

SEE / HEAR

TELL A STORY

FEEL

ACT

Silence

Cheap shots

Coworker meets privately with the boss to discuss a joint project.

He does not trust me. He thinks I’m weak. If I say anything I will look emotional.

Hurt

Worried

retrace your path

Have I fallen out of dialogue?

What emotions are making me react this way?

What factual evidence do I have that supports this story?

What story is creating these emotions?

Retrace Your Path

SEE / HEAR

TELL A STORY

FEEL

ACT

clever stories to watch for
Clever Stories To Watch For
  • Victim Stories
  • Villain Stories
  • Helpless Stories
tell the whole story
Tell the Whole Story
  • Turn victims into actors
    • Am I pretending not to notice my role in the problem?
  • Turn villains into humans
    • Why would a reasonable, rational and decent person do what this person is doing?
  • Turn the helpless into the able
    • What do I really want for me? For others? For the relationship? What would I do right now if I really wanted these results?
tool state your path
Tool: STATE Your Path
  • When you need to share controversial, touchy or unpopular views:
    • Share your facts
    • Tell your story
    • Ask for other’s paths
    • Talk Tentatively
    • Encourage Testing
tool s tate your path
Tool: STATE Your Path
  • Share your facts first
    • Non-controversial
    • Persuasive
    • Least insulting
tool s t ate your path
Tool: STATE Your Path
  • Tell your story
    • “Based on the facts, I am beginning to conclude…”
    • Be confident, but don’t pile on
    • Watch for safety problems
tool st a te your path
Tool: STATE Your Path
  • Ask for other’s paths
    • What are their facts?
    • What is their story?
tool sta t e your path
Tool: STATE Your Path
  • Talk Tentatively
    • I was wondering… Perhaps you were unaware… In my opinion…
    • Don’t be wimpy and do the message a disservice
tool stat e your path
Tool: STATE Your Path
  • Encourage Testing
    • Encourage others to challenge you
    • Invite opposing views
      • “Does anyone see it differently?”
      • “What am I missing here?”
    • Play Devil’s Advocate
      • “What if I’m wrong here…?”
state role plays
STATE Role Plays
  • Share your facts
  • Tell your story
  • Ask for other’s paths
  • Talk Tentatively
  • Encourage Testing

(what to do)

(how to do it)

in conclusion
In Conclusion
  • When stakes are high, opinions vary and emotions run strong:
    • Stay in Dialogue
    • Make it Safe
    • Use Contrasting
    • Tell the Whole Story
    • STATE your path
about the book27
About the Book
  • New York Times Best Seller
  • Authors: Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, Ron McMillan, and Al Switzer
  • Paperback, 230 pages
  • $16.95 at Borders
  • Information available online at www.crucialconversations.com