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Dear Jen … this is from your long-lost 72-year old Auntie Elsie from Newfoundland. Dear Jennifer:
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Yes, yes, I know ya got da Rock, dear, but remember, it’s not too late to change yer mind. Ya see, dear, I never trusted dat Dirk Walker. He’s got dem dere beady eyes, just like me fort husband, Rolly. And now dat Dirk’s got dat fancy black silver truck, well, yessireebob, he’s got ‘is nose in de air. And like I said before … ya should be lookin’ for six figures wit stock options. That’s what ya should be lookin’ for.
So this is justa note to make sure ya keep yer options open. Sure, dear, ya got da Rock, but dat don’t mean it’s cast in stone, yet.
As a little gift, since yer a nice girl, and yer not supposed to have pre-marital sex [open #1]. Now, justincase ya should happen to accidentally have sex before ya get married, you’ll be fully prepared. No glove no love, as I always say. No mitten no hittin’, as me sister Margie used to add. But remember, I only gave ya one of dese, so dat gives ya two choices. First, don’t have sex. Second, ya can have sex once.
If ya do have sex, ya need a little somethin’ to toast the occasion [open #2]. Ah, the all-important Newfie sharin’ bottle. You have a sip, he has a sip, and ya keep sippin’ til it’s all gone. Won't getcha drunk, just put a nice warm feelin’ in yer belly. Then ya can sleep better.
Den, for dat mornin’ after taste [open #3]. Ya don’t wanna wake up with dat morning’ breath. Now ya don’t drink dis. Ya just swish it around in yer mouth and spit it out. Ya don’t wanna get in da habit of drinkin’ dat mouthwash stuff or you’ll end up like my dear cousin Jimmy, god rest his soul. Dat old fart would drink anything dat looked like it might contain alcohol.
Next, always remember dat breakfast is dee most important meal of da day [open #4]. This is a little somethin’ to carry ya over to lunch. And maybe you can add a little cheese to give da crackers some flavour. And dis will be da big test for Dirk, dear. Does he kick you outta bed for eatin’ crackers? Hee, hee, jes thought I’d trow dat one in.
And lastbutnotleast, you’ll need somethin’ to wash down the crackers [open #5]. Don’t forget, dis is also a share ting. By the way, dear, I bet you didn’t know that Red Bull was invented by a Newf. Yessireebob, it was. He lived on the same side of da tracks as us. Name was Irvin ‘Red’ Rogers. He had bright red hair, and he wuz hung like a bull. To this day, makes me tingle just tinkin’ about dat package. Hee, Hee … he was very popular with the ladies, if you know what I mean. Lord tundrin’ Jesus, did he ever turn heads at da beach.
Well, that’s it, dear. And, despite my earlier comments ‘bout Dirk, if he’s da one ya want, go for it. Ya got my blessing, dear. And remember, if he gets outta line, just grab ‘im by da balls and squeeze … worked fer me in every one of my eight marriages.
Ta ta for now … Love always,
your Auntie Elsie