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DBA Failure Rules: How Not to Succeed in the DBA Profession

Learn how to avoid DBA success with humorous advice and practical tips on complicating tasks, ignoring technology updates, and alienating customers. Explore the ironic rules of failure and the Poopsmith's Hierarchy of Needs in this satirical guide to leaving the DBA profession behind.

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DBA Failure Rules: How Not to Succeed in the DBA Profession

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  1. How to Fail as a DBA Advice on how to leave the DBA profession behind

  2. Our Goal

  3. How Do We Get There? • Hard work? • Teamwork? • Self-Motivation? • Learn from Peers? • Keep up with new technology? No, that would be silly

  4. Failure Is An Option • Live in fear of making a mistake • Delegate “uncomfortable” work to co-workers • Avoid doing your own research • Tell customer it just can’t be done Ways to avoid doing any actual DBA work “The best thing about being a Poopsmith is there is no way to fail as a Poopsmith”

  5. Words of Wisdom Focus on complicating the simple tasks and ignoring the complicated tasks

  6. DBA Failure Rule #1 Always remember… COMPLEXITY = JOB SECURITY

  7. DBA Failure Rule #2 Always remember… VISIBILITY = OUTSOURCING

  8. DBA Failure Rule #3 Always remember… SURLINESS = INTELLIGENCE

  9. DBA Failure Rule #4 Always remember… SQL GOOD = ORACLE BAD OK, this one is true

  10. Rules to Fail By • Make maintenance plans as complex as possible and never, ever tell people what they actually do. • Make sure users are aware that upgrading SQL is a daunting task and should be avoided at any cost. • Always solve problems as slowly as possible and never, never, ever tell them what you did.

  11. Backups • thinks backups are a privilege • thinks verifying restores requires a daily supply of bagels • likes to check successful backups only when he has a hunch they’ve been failing

  12. Performance • thinks performance is a user’s problem • thinks tuning = reboot • thinks more hardware is always the solution • indexes EVERYTHING • loves shrinking databases (and hates kittens)

  13. Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs

  14. PoopSmith’s Hierarchy of Needs

  15. Finally • Always make fun of SQL Server presenters and give them low evaluations just for the heck of it. Thank You and Good Luck on Your New Career DISCLAIMER: Please, for the love of God and kittens, do not follow any of the advise in this presentation Special thanks to www.homestarrunner.com

  16. About Me www.dbaexperience.wordpress.com @shawsql

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