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Chapter 10 – DATING: Befriending and Romancing

Chapter 10 – DATING: Befriending and Romancing. Dating Calls On. Our confidence Our communication skills Our sense of values Our creativity in using leisure Us to enjoy another person Us to learn about ourselves. Not Always This Way. Dating in the “Olden Days”

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Chapter 10 – DATING: Befriending and Romancing

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  1. Chapter 10 – DATING: Befriending and Romancing

  2. Dating Calls On Our confidence Our communication skills Our sense of values Our creativity in using leisure Us to enjoy another person Us to learn about ourselves

  3. Not Always This Way • Dating in the “Olden Days” • Almost always in the company of others • A gentleman would come calling

  4. Not Always This Way • “Classical Era” of Dating • The arrival of the automobile changes the scene • Both women and men attending school longer • Two people now paired off to enjoy each other’s company • Marriage not the main motivation • Peer culture set the rules for dating • Couples would go “steady” • Men asked for the date and paid for everything

  5. Not Always This Way • Nowadays • The focus today is not on getting married • Equal male – female relationships where they get together informally in groups • Women can initiate dates • Each person can pay for themselves • One welcome change – close friendships/not always romantic • “Going out” rather than “going steady”

  6. Why Date? Reasons # 1 - 4 Sexual attraction – moves us to explore relationships Fun – for the fun of it! Ego boost – draw others’ attention and approval to ourselves Getting out of ourselves – stretch ourselves beyond our own concerns and interests

  7. Why Date? Reasons # 5 - 8 “The thing to do” – peer pressure Companionship – we seek someone with whom to share experiences. It counteracts loneliness. The joy of give-and-take – we may want to offer our talent, skills, and affection to others as well as receive the same from them Finding a marriage partner – as an individual reaches their late twenties and thirties the desire to find a lifelong partner takes on some urgency

  8. Friendship Between the Sexes • Relating as Friends • Men like women as friends / companionship • Helps them see things from a women’s point of view

  9. Friendship Between the Sexes • Friendly Guidelines • Human beings first, men & women second • View each other as equals • Go beyond stereotypes • Refrain from sexual relationships

  10. Pressure & Problems of Dating • The Pressure to Make It Perfect • High expectations – have hope in the opportunity not expectations of a certain outcome ( p. 194) • Concerns about being attractive – we relate our physical appearance to the success of the date perfect us = perfect date

  11. Pressure & Problems of Dating • What to Do, Where to Go? • What does the person like to do • Be open to new ideas (p. 195) • Consider mutual interests

  12. Pressures & Problems of Dating • Problems with Romance • Watch out for illusions of romance when you have “fallen hard” (p.196) • Infatuation – we see the other person through a distorted lens • Superficial - based in a person’s looks or other shallow things • Overpowering – powerful can overrule judgment • Fickle – “roller coaster” optimism/pessimism, not consistent • Short – lived – doesn’t last (worksheet)

  13. Pressures & Problems of Dating • Particular Hurdles for Regular Pairs • Certain contentment that they do not have to prove themselves to someone new • Realistic about each other’s good qualities and weaknesses • Must clear certain hurdles if this relationship is to be a true friendship: jealousy, dependency, and exclusivity

  14. Pressures & Problems of Dating • Particular Hurdles for Regular Pairs • Jealousy – when one person feels a “red flag” reaction when certain individuals approach their boyfriend/girlfriend Why so insecure? • Dependency – an unhealthy centering of one’s energy and meaning on one person • Exclusivity – couples block out other relationships to spend time exclusively with each other

  15. Dating and Sex: Decisions with Consequences • Premarital Sex: Why and Why Not? (p. 200) • Valid Reasons? • I may lose her if I don’t have sex with her • We just got carried away • I won’t be a man/woman until I have had sex • Once we start drinking forget about self control • If we’re in love, why isn’t it okay to have sex

  16. Dating and Sex: Decisions with Consequences • Premarital Sex: Why and Why Not? • Valid reasons? cont’d • What’s the biggest deal about putting on the brakes? Sex is what makes life interesting. • Most of the people I know do it. • She’ll think I’m gay if I don’t have sex with her. • Sex will prove whether we love each other • It’s okay to have sex because we’ll get married if I get pregnant

  17. Dating and Sex: Decisions with Consequences • Premarital Sex: Why and Why Not? • Long - Term Consequences • Pregnancy • It involves the two partners and their families. A child needs to be raised by a loving stable family. A teenage single parent is not well equipped to raise a child. • “Shotgun” marriages have a poor chance for success. Marrying under the pressure of pregnancy threatens the stability of the marriage. • Abortion as a solution to a premarital pregnancy carries other deeply harmful consequences .

  18. Dating and Sex: Decisions with Consequences • Premarital Sex: Why and Why Not? • Long-Term Consequences • Sexually Transmitted Diseases • Don’t be naïve about the long range affects of STD’s. • Indiscriminate sex can be deadly or at the l east it can insert fear into life (p. 202)

  19. Dating and Sex: Decisions with Consequences • Premarital Sex: Why and Why Not? • Long-term consequences • A diminished relationship • Couples who choose to have sex while dating often assume it will enhance and deepen their relationship/ but it could have the opposite effect • It can also obscure the young person’s judgment about their relationship. They may lose perspective.

  20. Dating and Sex: Decisions with Consequences • The Church’s Response • Sex is an expression of deep love between two people – it should not be taken lightly or seen as recreation • A firm, permanent commitment to each other means that the couple are pledged to share body, mind and heart.

  21. Dating and Sex: Decisions with Consequences Members of Christ’s Body – Christians who are dating are called to do only what will promote the total good of the other person

  22. Dating and Sex: Decisions with Consequences • A Life – giving context for children • The baby is the most obvious result of intercourse and should be received with love and joy. • Children deserve to be born into a family, with a mother and a father. Sex outside of marriage puts the child at risk.

  23. Letting Go of a Romantic Relationship • When Boundaries are Crossed • Make a break from someone who has violated your boundaries – it is imperative! • Say NO to the relationship and get out if you have been manipulated or used.

  24. Letting Go of a Romantic Relationship • When It’s Going Nowhere • Be upfront and honest during the relationship • Talk about your relationship, use “I” messages • When you think you should let go, talk to a trusted friend that knows the both of you

  25. Letting Go of a Romantic Relationship • When It’s Going Nowhere • How to break the news. Person to Person is best. • Let go as friends, but let go. Communicate what you need to say and don’t give any mixed signals

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