Love and Sexuality . Why LOVE and SEXUALITY. Love is one of the reasons why we establish intimate relationship/s with the OTHER. SEX is a manifestation, a symbol, a zenith of love. However, this should be within the context of marriage.
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Why LOVE and SEXUALITY • Love is one of the reasons why we establish intimate relationship/s with the OTHER. • SEX is a manifestation, a symbol, a zenith of love. However, this should be within the context of marriage. • Love is not a philosophical concept, it is also a sociological one, because it ignites relationships.
What is LOVE? • This is an abstract concept. • Is this a feeling? Is this an action? • Others would say love is not a feeling but an action.
Can This Be Love? • Can this be love I'm feeling right nowI know for certain I'm feeling right nowI don't recall ever feeling this wayTell me what does one sayTo one who makes me feel this wayCan this be love I'm feeling right nowI am not sure of this feeling somehowWhy do I tremble whenever you're nearI can't seem to say my words so you'll hearMore lyrics http://www.allthelyrics.com/lyrics/smokey_mountain/can_this_be_love-lyrics-458501.html#ixzz35boIOJc2
The Road Less Travelled • Love is not a feeling, it is an activity and an investment. • "The will to extend one's self for the purpose of nurturing one's own or another's spiritual growth" (Peck, 1992, p85). • Love is primarily actions towards nurturing the spiritual growth of another.
The Nature of Love • Eros • Philia • Agape
The Nature of Love • Eros- Intense, ardent desire, passion, refer to that part of love constituting a passionate, intense desire for something; it is often referred to as a sexual desire, hence the modern notion of “erotic” (Greek erotikos) • Physical attraction, to love an object is that LOVE in itself
The Nature of Love • Reciprocity is not necessary to Plato’s view of love, for the desire is for the object (of Beauty), than for, say, the company of another and shared values and pursuits. • If you are having sex and you don’t even put spirit in the act and in your partner, such sexual activity is not based on love.
The Nature of Love • Philia: Fondness and the appreciation of the other. • For the Greeks, the term is not only associated with friendship but with the community, family, profession, etc.
The Nature of Love • For Aristotle, to be able to love the self must love himself or herself first. • The friendship can be genuine if it transcends utility (business friendship, FwB).
The Nature of Love • Agape: Agape refers to the paternal love of God for man and of man for God but is extended to include a brotherly love for all humanity. • Love thy neighbor as thy self.
NATURE OF LOVE • How do we know when we are in love, how do we know when we are loved? • “Love itself… brings about the continuous emergence of ever-higher value in the object.”
NATURE OF LOVE • How do we know when we are in love, how do we know when we are loved? • “Love itself… brings about the continuous emergence of ever-higher value in the object–just as if it were streaming out from the object of its own accord, without any exertion (even of wishing) on the part of the lover.
Nature of Love • According to Steinberg (1998), love is a subjective experience. • Some people choose to love to be loved, while others choose to love without asking in return. • Love is what the lover defines it to be. • Is love lasting? (Some good things never last, will you still love me tomorrow, insert video)
What is this thing called LOVE? • Motherly Love • Sex Love • Brotherly/Sisterly Love • Married Love • Religious Love • Romantic Love
Relationships have evolved • Friends with Benefits (FWB, FUBU) • Living Apart Together (LAT) • FB Friends/Online Friends These new relationships challenge our idea of LOVE? (Insert Video, WST)
Simple Infatuation • Crush or puppy love • Commonly strikes in early teens or younger. • Object of infatuation: Older, highly idealized person (teacher, friend, etc.), actors, players • This does not last long. • This is not enough to end up in marriage.
Romantic Infatuation • This is the same as being “in love” of “falling in love.” • Strange mix of sex and emotion but not genuine love. • This does not necessarily result in marriage. • The feeling may be stronger but it will not last long. This may develop into love, but it takes time.
Real Love • This involves strong tender feelings for the other balanced by reason and deep respect. • You care for the other and there is a sense of fulfillment. • Judgment of the other person is objective and rationale. • Sharing of values, ideas, goals, and ideals.
Real Love • Perfect Combination: You are matched and mated. • Emotion must warm reason, but reason must rule emotion. • In real love, your reason is the throne, ruling your emotions.
Sex Interest • This should not be mistaken for love. • Biological drive that seeks erotic expression. • Some people may enjoy sex but may not have interest in the person other than sensual satisfaction. • Men can enjoy sex with no tender feelings.
How do they differ? • It is difficult to sort out the differences between infatuation and love. • They sometimes overlap.
Gender and Love Women tend to think love as a serious matter. (Kephart, 20 years ago) Males Females 1. I am sure I know what love is 25 36 2. I think I know what love is 59 54 3. I don’t think I know what love is 12 8 4. I am sure I don’t know what love is 4 2
Signs of Good Marriage • Your parents are happy in your marriage • You had a happy childhood. • There was a lack of conflict with your mother. • Your home discipline was firm but not harsh. • Strong attachment to mother. • Strong attachment to father. • Lack of conflict with father. • Parents were frank about sex. • Childhood punishment was infrequent and mild. • Positive attitude towards sex.
Elements of Real Love • Strong sex interest • Respect and admiration • Friendship and fellowship • Affection • Self-giving devotion
Clues of Real Love • CLUE 1. What is your major attraction? If the attraction is physical then it is not real love. If the attraction is his or her total personality (his or her whole person) then it is real love. • CLUE 2. How many factors attract? In infatuation the factors that attract you are few. If its real love, many or most qualities of the person---and the relationship attract you.
Clues of Real Love • CLUE 3. How did it start? Infatuation starts fast. “Eyes meet a crowded room.” –there is no such thing as love at first sight. Love starts slowly. Love is not definitely blind. • Clue 4. How consistent is your love interest? If its infatuation, a couple’s interest in each other comes and goes. In real love, the relationship tends to even out.
Question: What if you have loved and lost? • You may had a real love but did not result in marriage. • One or both of you did not recognize at the time that it was real love. • Other reasons
Clues of Real Love • CLUE 5. How does it affect your personality? Romantic infatuation has destructive effect on your personality. Real love will have an organizing and a constructive effect on your personality. You achieve self realization and expression. Students’ case: If you’re infatuated your grades will go down. If you’re in love, your grades will go up.
Clues of Real Love • Clue 6. How and when does it end? If its infatuation, it stops the same way it starts---fast. If its love, it stops slowly.
Clues of Real Love • Clue 7. What does distance do? If infatuation, absence makes the heart grow found—of somebody else. If its real, love survives separation. It may even grow. • Clue 7. How do quarrels affect the romance? If infatuation, quarrels will kill the relationship and they become frequent and more severe. If it is love, love leaves through quarrels and quarrels become less severe and frequent.
Clues of Real Love • Clue 8. How do you feel about and refer to your relationship? If infatuation, you use I, me, my, he, him, his. You will not hear we, us, or our. • Clue 9. Selfless or selfish? If infatuated, your ego response to the other person is selfish and restrictive. If it is love, it is selfless. You will care as much about what is good for the other as for yourself.
Some known facts about sex before marriage • High chance of breaking up before marriage • Scare off anyone who wants to marry a virgin • Be less happy in marriage • Get a divorce • Commit adultery • Spoil total sex due to sexual salivation • Have guilt feelings that may push you into a poor marriage
Sexual Health • Sex is an essential part of life, health, and happiness. • An ingredient in individual well being and in intimate relationships.
Sexual Health • Sexual Problems • Lack of interest in sex • Reaching climax to early • Unable to reach orgasm • Sex not pleasurable • Anxiety about performance • Pain during sex • Unable to keep an erection
Sexual Health • Ways to solve sexual dysfunction • Pills (e.g., Robust, Potensan) • Therapy (e.g., lingam) • Behavioral Exercises---You teach your partner to teach your partner to control orgasm or ejaculation (sensate focus, stop and go technique, squeeze technique)
Sexual Health • Sexual practices among American Men and Women (1994) in 12 months prior to the conduct of the survey • 90% of women surveyed had sex; 86% among men • 63% of men masturbated, 42% among women • 27% of men had oral sex, 19% among women • 23% of men bought X-Rated videos, 11% among women
Sexual Health • Marriage sex is very important for long term happiness. • Married couples have higher levels of sexual activity than divorced people and single people.
Sexual Health • For some people, sex is not the most important thing in life. • A nationwide survey in the US found out that 75% of 815 men survey believed that marriage is more important than sex, career, fame, or fortune. About 90% of these husbands treat their wives as best friends.
Sexual Health • Sex is not clearly everything but it is important to an intimate relationship. • Different people have different sexual intimacy needs.
Marital Styles and Sexual Behavior (McCarthy 2001,2003) 1. Complementary couples- Each partner has power in certain domains and moderate levels of intimacy. Sex becomes a low priority and often becomes routine, like watching the evening news. Usually the male is in charge of sexuality.
Marital Styles and Sexual Behavior (McCarthy 2001,2003) 2. Conflict-minimizing couples- Strong emotional expression is discouraged. The male initiates sex and decides on the sexual style. Sex is very predictable and rarely discussed.
Marital Styles and Sexual Behavior (McCarthy 2001,2003) 3. Best friend couples- This style values intimacy the most and considers friendship to be a strong foundation of their marriage. Sex is an integral part for the relationship to work well. Sex energizes the relationship and the marital bond is strong.
Marital Styles and Sexual Behavior (McCarthy 2001,2003) 4. Emotionally expressive couples- this style is full of feelings and can range from intense feelings of love and anger. Sex is often passionate, exciting, fun and playful. Sex occurs as a way of making up for conflict and fight.
Sexual Health Elements of sexual health 1. When couple are able to decide freely and consensually when to have sex and how often to do it. 2. Sticking to one marital partner and no extra marital affairs.
Sexual Health • This also pertains to the absence of disease or infirmity relating to your reproductive health system and its processes and functions. • Risky sexual practices may lead to sexual health problems---STDs, HIV, AIDS
Sexual Health • Risky Practices • Sharing drug needles and syringe • Anal sex with or without a condom • Vaginal or anal sex with someone who shoots drugs or engages in anal sex • Sex with someone you do not know well • Multiple sexual partnership • Unprotected sex
Sexual Health STDs • Syphilis • Gonorrhea • HIV/AIDS
Sexual Health • Gonorrhea is most common in young adults. • The bacteria can infect the genital tract, mouth, or anus. • This can be transmitted through vaginal, oral, or anal sex with an infected partner. • In men, gonorrhea can cause pain when urinating and discharge from the penis. If untreated, it can cause problems with the prostate and testicles. • In women, the early symptoms of gonorrhea often are mild. Later, it can cause bleeding between periods, pain when urinating, and increased discharge from the vagina. Source: National Institute of Allergy and Infectious Diseases